How Divorce Affects Children
As many of us know divorce can be a “touchy” subject, one that many of us don’t like to talk about. If you are reading this blog, then you are probably unfortunate enough to be a victim of divorce in some way whether that is as a child or a more grown adult. Statistics show that roughly 40–50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce potentially affecting the lives of children [1]. Additionally, divorce ultimately affects us all differently but we can all relate to the pain in some way. As a child, I was a victim of divorced parents at the age of 6 and it left me lost, broke, and confused. My goal in the blog is to hopefully give you all more of an understanding of how divorce can personally impact children growing up in our world today.
When I think of divorce I can’t help but think of my experience as a 6-year-old boy. I remember waking up one morning to a note from my father that read, “Son I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore… You can either stay there or come with me it is your choice but always remember that I love you”. To me, this has been something that has haunted and affected me over the years. Now I was put in a situation where I was to choose to live with mom or dad, to choose who I wanted to spend more time with, and choose who to live most my life with fewer amounts of involvement from. Now think with me for a second what it might be like for a 6-year-old boy to have to try to process this, to try to understand what was going on, and to try to wrestle through the confusion.
You can imagine the pain and hurt that a child (like the one shown to the right) must have gone through in a situation like this. A statistic I found stated, “teenagers in a single-parent family are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year” [1]. This statement couldn’t be any more accurate. If you are a victim of divorce then you already know the pain divorce can weigh on you and the people around you, specifically the children.
Personally, when my parents got divorced I was confused. I had felt like I did something and it was my fault my parents were getting a divorce. Along with that, I felt a sense of ownership. I felt like I was responsible for being the man in the house now and take care of my two other siblings living with me at the time. It always seemed like I was the one counseling my mother and father and trying to be the one to “fix” their marriage. This only created a lot more stress for me causing me to become deviant, depressed and distressed [2]. It took me a number of years to finally be able to accept and forgive the divorcing of my parents but without someone taking the time to listen to me, support me, encourage me, and love me; I probably wouldn’t be able to tell about it today.
If there is one thing I wish I had growing up, it was a solid explanation of what divorce actually was. As you can imagine, many of us interpret divorce to mean a number of things and begin to start forming pictures of what that might look like in our minds. For me, it was a scary thought where I was stripped of many things and thought I would never get to see my other parent again. Why am I saying all this, because divorce is something that ultimately affects all of us differently and I believe it is important to help people (especially children) to understand what all is going on [3].
Recently I read an article in the Huffington Post that spoke about a child who was a victim of divorce and how he has actually benefited from it [4]. His name is Vicki Shemin and he discusses in his article how after looking back on his past he was able to find an upside to his situation. He states that he was able to find “independence” (e.g., self-protective, self-motivation) by the lack of attention of parents. He also stated how he has become more “fair-minded” in how he views the world [4]. This automatically made me think of how when I was growing up I would always push my own needs aside and try to please others. I would always have a strong sense of my situation, what was reality, what was fair, what wasn’t fair. It often seemed as a victim of divorce, I was able to see things more clearly for what they were.
However, one thing that really strikes me is how other cultures and religions view divorce. If you are a Christian you would view marriage as this sacred bond between a man and a woman. If you follow Hindu you view marriage as sacred, divine, and a sacrament. If you follow Buddhism then unlike Christianity divorce is not really discussed. You are free to divorce whenever they do not agree with each other [5]. So as you can see, cultural differences ultimately play a role in reasons behind the divorce. We all have beliefs and attitudes towards this topic and how we should handle it. Now please don’t get the wrong idea, I am not trying to tell people how to handle divorce. I am simply trying to emphasize the impacts divorce can play in the lives of children. In doing so I found a licensed counselor and therapist Steven Earll who explained it this way:
Children (and adult children) have the attitude that their parents should be able to work through and solve any issue. Parents, who have given the children life, are perceived by the children as very competent people with supernatural abilities to meet the needs of the children. No problem should be too great for their parents to handle. For a child, divorce shatters this basic safety and belief concerning the parents’ abilities to care for them and to make decisions that truly consider their well-being.
Children have the strong belief that there is only one right family relationship, and that is Mom and Dad being together. Any other relationship configuration presents a conflict or betrayal of their basic understanding of life. In divorce, children [tend to] resent both the custodial and absent parent.” [6]
I believe the above article did a really good job at summarizing the points I was trying to emphasize. I believe this post did an accurate job at portraying the thought patterns of many victims of divorce. I believe it is important to not only educate ourselves but also make ourselves available to children. Ultimately, it is up to us to come alongside these victims and help them any way that we can. As a college student studying to become a family and marriage counselor, I cannot stress to you enough the importance it is of reaching out to these victims early and making ourselves available to ask questions. If there is one thing I wish I had, it was someone who encouraged me, to be honest about how I was feeling, someone to help me put the emotions I was feeling into words, and someone to give me a sense of hope.
As we know, divorce was never a part of God’s design and in Malachi 2:16 the Lord even says “I hate divorce”. Just like so many of us do, God also hates divorce. But unfortunately, we live in a world driven by sin (e.g., adultery, abusiveness) which often leads to divorce. Please understand that I am by no means saying divorce should not be an option, but I am saying there are some risks involved that we should be aware of. As I mentioned before 40–50% of marriages end in divorce and most of those involve kids. So I encourage you if you can to reach out to children in need, listen to them, love them, give them hope, help them to understand God loves them, and help them experience comfort in knowing He is in control.
Resources:
http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/statistics-about-children-and-divorce.html [1]
http://www.parenting.com/article/when-parents-divorce [3]
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorced-moms/4-benefits-of-being-a-child-of-divorce_b_9522314.html [4]
http://www.christianpost.com/news/how-different-religions-view-divorce-in-america-140579/ [5]
