How well does someone truly know someone else? How close does a person allow another person to get? Where do the hard questions in life get answered and lived out? The answer to all these questions is in small groups! Marriage and the family unit should be one of the best and primary small groups for intimacy; however, what if the issues someone is facing involves the spouse or someone in the family? Small groups of various levels of intimacy in the church are another of the best places for finding the answers to the questions of life that are central to the happiness and contentment of those within the group.
There is a vast difference between the interactions a person has on a Sunday morning in a large group setting during a church service and the interactions that occur in a small group setting. In large group settings, there is usually only time for a quick greeting and a casual inquiry about how someone is doing; but in a small group setting, there should be much more expansiveness to the questions that are generated and the answers that may be required to facilitate the experience of group cohesiveness and the expression of love for one another. In small group settings, time should be taken to expand on issues and problems that people in the group are facing. In large group settings, there simply is no time for this deep level of interaction.
In a church service, where the body of Christ has come together to worship and hear the Word of God, space should be given to the Holy Spirit to move and have his way among those gathered. This is not the place for interrupting the flow of the service with personal problems or questions about the teaching. It is the place where God is given the respect and honor that is his due. It is the place where worshiping together with other believers builds up the faith of everyone present. It is the place where the Spirit is welcome to do miracles, healing those with physical, mental and emotional issues, setting people free from the bondage of recurrent sin, and allowing people to operate freely in the gifts that God has given to them. This is appropriate behavior for a large group gathering in a church service.
In a small group gathering, space is given to a vast variety of topics and issues. Perhaps the pastor’s message was very challenging, and someone asks a question about it. Other people chime in with their questions, and soon, a lively discussion has been generated. Somewhere in the midst of all the questions and answers, new depths of understanding are forged, and new levels of intimacy are formed. The very question that was on one person’s mind was discovered to have been on another person’s mind. And, although the exact question one person thought of was not what another person was dealing with, the discussion yielded benefit in providing principles that all can benefit from.
Sometimes in a small group setting, the issues that are brought up are very difficult to hear about. Maybe someone in the group has a spouse that has been unfaithful. Maybe someone is dealing with an adult son or daughter that is not living biblically. Perhaps someone is sharing about a recurring sin issue in his or her own life. These deep and painful issues must be handled with great care, concern, and love. The ones sharing these concerns are being quite vulnerable, baring the deepest hurts of their hearts, and they must be allowed to share all the pain, disappointment, and even the anger of their various situations.
This is where small groups who are mature and sensitive to other members of the group will excel. The small group setting is perfect for dealing with these issues, even if there is no immediate solution to the problem or issue expressed. Members will listen, nod in empathy and understanding, and commit to pray for the person. There may be sharing of similar situations and how these situations were dealt with. There may be tears of sympathy, smiles of encouragement, and hugs of support. At no time should there be judgment or condemnation! Everyone will face heartache, hurt, disappointment, and defeat at one time or another. Life is difficult, even among those with great faith.
It is faith that keeps one moving along the path of life. And having others of like faith journeying on the path together makes the difficulty and drudgery of life more like an adventure. What God will do next? How will God move this mountain of problems? When faced with an insurmountable problem, it is all too easy to become discouraged and to give up. But with faith-filled, small group members to come alongside and give love, encouragement, and understanding, even the greatest of trials is more bearable.
The Bible records that we are to “carry each other’s burdens . . .” (Galatians 6:2, NIV). The small group setting is created for just that purpose. Burdens are expressed, then, shared among all the group members. Often, the burdens that one member may have are also shared by another member. Sometimes, a member has recently experienced a similar issue. By being brave enough to share an issue with the small group, a person can almost instantly feel the burden being lifted. Other members of the group have helped to ease the burden by listening, caring, and loving on the hurting person.
The small group that has reached this level of intimacy and love has not developed overnight. These group members have been interacting for a while, and most likely, began with rather superficial issues and problems. When a new small group is formed, it is important to give the members time and space to get to know one another. Intimacy, if it is to be done well, will gradually develop as people become more open and reveal more about themselves. But this process should not be rushed. For most people in the group to be comfortable at deep levels of sharing, trust must be established among group members.
Trust is that rare quality that allows people to say things to one another and have confidence that what is said will go no further than those in the room. There is no place in small groups (or any group, for that matter) for gossip, slander, or eavesdropping. If someone in the group is speaking privately to another member of the group, trying to overhear what is being said will erode trust in the group. Spreading gossip about other members of the group is totally unacceptable. Slanderous statements will never allow trust to develop. And repeating intimate details about what was shared in the group to others outside the group will destroy trust among group members.
Jesus said, “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much ” (Luke 16:10). Although Jesus was teaching about wealth in this chapter, the principle can be applied to trust issues in small groups. If someone in the group shares a story about another group member without permission, even if the story is true, it prevents deep trust from developing. Small group members must remember that what is discussed within the group stays within the group! Only when this important rule is followed will true intimacy grow to maturity.
The “quest for the intimate community of the true body of Christ” will be found in “face-to-face communication developing commitment, cohesion, and continuity in time” (Johnson 159). The body of Christ functions best when group members are given a chance to express their deepest needs, whether these needs are matters of the heart, issues in life, or financial pressures. Getting together in each other’s homes, sharing meals together, and doing life with one another will facilitate interacting with others closely. The way to become acquainted with another person is to spend time with him or her, and small groups are perfect for allowing the relationships to build gradually.
When relationships are forced to move too quickly, there is no time to build the trust that is so vital to intimacy. When small group members feel safe enough to share deep matters that trust foundation has already been laid. Members are interacting on deep levels with ever increasing levels of intimacy. Mistakes will be made, weaknesses and failures will come out, and problems among group members will have to be solved. But in doing life together, with other small group members, so many more lessons can be learned.
No one is meant to live in isolation. With time, love, consistency, and trust, members of small groups can grow in spiritual maturity, in intimacy, and in carrying the burdens of one another. Each member has a specific gift to be used in the process of maturity. Each member brings a unique flavor to the group. As members come to know one another through conversation, sharing experiences, handling mistakes and failure, dealing with disappointment and hurt, and building trust, the body of Christ will be seen and known as well.
Works Cited
Johnson, Winston A. “Groups.” Christian Perspectives on Sociology. Edited by Stephen A. Grunlan and Milton Reimer, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 2001.
The Bible. New International Version Study Bible, Zondervan, 1985.
