I Do Until I Don’t
I’m going to take you all the way back to your twelve year old self. You have been dreaming. You have been fantasizing. You have been conjuring up pictures and ideas in your head. Dreams, pictures, and ideas which all lead up to a single day based around this two word phrase: I do.
A day which all girls dream about growing up. It is a day which you will remember for the rest of your life. It is one of the most important events in your life.
You finally made it. The day of your wedding. You can’t believe you get to marry the man or woman of your dreams. You repeat vows one to another stating that through the good and the bad, you will stay together and you will love each other to the very ends of the earth. You say I do, walk down the aisle, celebrate with your closest friends and family, and dance the night away. You fly away to some tropical escape where you feel as though it is just the two of you with no one else around. You come back home. Two weeks turns into two months which soon turns into two years.
Reality hits.
The two of you are no longer on the honeymoon phase. You begin to realize that another person has brought in his or her baggage along with the ones you carry. You realize that he or she is not so perfect as you thought. You start getting tired of the bickering and nagging. You thought everything was going to be white picket fence perfect. You are now contemplating the word which nobody wants to ever experience: divorce.
How could this thought every escape your mind? Never in a million years would you have thought about divorcing someone whom you love. You push the thought aside. Instead, you bury it deep within and put on this fake smile that everything is okay. But nothing is okay. You both seem to be living different lives and not communicating as you once did. Finally, the day has come. You can’t take it anymore. You try and talk things out, but instead you take the easy way out. You say goodbye and leave.
Unfortunately, nowadays divorce is not so uncommon. To most, it is actually completely normal. According to McKinley Irvin Family Law, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Half of all marriages decide that it is not worth sticking it out or seeking counsel. Half forget about “for better or for worse.” Half do not see the true joy and benefits which come from a healthy marriage. To me, I could never image experiencing divorce. It is a sign of simply giving up. It is essentially a selfish decision. You do not ‘feel’ happy, so therefore you think the two of you do not belong together. Marriage is not about feelings, but about commitment to one another.
All over Scripture we find verse after verse about love and marriage. 1 Corinthians chapter 13 speaks to love itself. It is not a selfish desire or act. It is a verb. Love is not something you just feel, but rather an action towards somebody else. In Ephesians chapter 5 husbands and wives are given direct commands as to how they are to act and respond towards one another. The wife is to submit to the husband, the head of the household, just as the church is to submit to Christ. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ did the church. They are to respect one another and ultimately respect God in and through their relationship. A marriage is not for personal gain, but rather to reflect Christ.
In today’s society we are often caught in this thinking that all marriages should have the ‘Hallmark’ or ‘Nicholas Sparks’ look to them. A lot of people base their happiness on what a marriage has to offer. If one finds him or herself in this predicament, we need to remember that a marriage is not about how I can be happy, but it is about how both people, man and woman, are to honor Christ. Hollywood does not help this situation in any way because most of the marriages we read about or see end poorly. If young people are highly influenced by entertainment and Hollywood, they need to be careful to not conclude that all marriages are going to end up how they do on television. Another aspect which society is targeting is the fact that marriage is not that big of a deal anymore. Couples live together without giving it a second thought. They do not see the need or importance of spending all grandeur amounts of money on a wedding when they can easily ‘do life together’ without being labeled as husband and wife. Paul explicitly states in Hebrews that marriages are to be held in honor and the marriage bed is to be undefiled because God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. People may also find it easier to not be joined together in marriage in case they ‘fall out of love.’ They do not want to be considered tied down in case a better offer comes their way. Marriage is sacred. It is to be upheld with high respect and honor. No one marriage has, is, or ever will be perfect.
Everyone has different views on marriage as well as what characteristics are important to each of the spouse. Instead of coming up with my own thoughts on marriage, since I am not married, I asked the closest men in my life, my dad and brothers, on what they believe to be the most important aspects in a marriage.
1. Communication
“Communication is key to a relationship.’ We have probably all heard the phrase, but never given much thought. Any relationship takes work, and learning how to communicate with one another can be most challenging yet rewarding. Each person responds to communication differently, and we must learn how to relate best to one another. Paul in Colossians chapter 4 gives reference to how we should be speaking to one another. He states that we are to always be gracious when communicating with others in order to know how to answer those we are speaking to. Communication takes hard work and will not come naturally to everybody. The end result, however, will be sweet and full of encouragement.
2. Selfless Love
This may be considered one of the tougher traits to learn. You see, we are all selfish human beings who look out for our own agenda and wants. When thinking of marriage, each person wants the other to make him or her happy. When instead we should be thinking about how we can best serve the other person out of deep respect love. Jesus Christ is our greatest example of One who gave His life for others. Those He had not even known (Ephesians 1:4). Christ did not live for Himself. He lived on this earth in order to bring glory to His Father. When looking at a marriage relationship, or any relationship, one should be seeking how to sacrificially give up his or her wants in order to give to the other person. Again, this task typically does not come easy because we are sinful human beings who want what we think is best for ourselves.
3. Forgiveness
Ephesians 4:31–32 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” The last phrase: even as God in Christ forgave you. Having this in mind should cause us to automatically forgive someone. When you are in a relationship it can be so easy to be upset when things don’t go according to how you want them to. Again, we go back to this selfish ambition. Instead, we need to be asking forgiveness from each other. We all mess up, and we are not to continue living in that bitterness. Arguments and misunderstandings will arise, but it is how we deal with those mishaps which will make all the difference.
4. Humility
Putting others before ourselves is not always an easy task. Quite frankly, it is one of the hardest things to do. We are prideful human beings. We seek to be noticed by others. Having a humble heart is not just an inward character trait, but is also shown through the way we treat one another. In Philippians chapter 2, Paul commands us to think of others as more significant than ourselves. We are to be looking out for the needs of others with a genuine spirit. We are to put on the mind of Christ and seek to serve Him. In marriage, this typically is a challenge because again we want what we want, when we want it. But David reminds us in Proverbs that the reward for humility and fear of the LORD is riches and honor and life. When we put our spouse first, we are honoring him or her and ultimately giving glory to God.
I believe we are to go to Scripture as our guide in how to have a ‘healthy marriage.’ God gives us the commands we are to follow. No, they are not always easy, but they are always worth it. As John Piper and his wife Noel state, “Marriage is not mainly about being or staying in love. It’s mainly about telling the truth with our lives. It’s about portraying something true about Jesus Christ and the way He relates to His people. It is about showing in real life the glory of the gospel.”
Sources:
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/23/opinion/three-views-of-marriage.html?_r=1
https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/Family-Law-Blog/2012/October/32-Shocking-Divorce-Statistics.aspx
