PLEASE LISTEN… Divorce Hurts!

Every child will experience divorce differently; we need to listen well and respond to their needs

Child of Divorce

As a child are you able to relate to the picture above? More than likely you are reading this blog post because you yourself had suffered the pain of divorce. Statistics show more than 50% of children America today will experience their parents separation. In midst of the confusion, yelling, and custody battles, it can be very easy to overlook the children. The goal of this blog is not to fix the problem of divorce, but rather to give you and understanding of how divorce effects children and how you can help the child of divorce.

Three dates come to mind when I think about the topic of divorce:

• March 23rd 1994 — this was the year I was born and also around the time my parents got divorced. My dad walked out leaving my mom, my 3 older brothers, and I behind.
• October 16th 2004 — this was the last day I saw my dad. My brothers and I met up with him at the local park only to find out that he had started a new family. After the meeting he drove away and we never saw him since.
• January 8th 2012 — this was the year I became a Christian and was finally able to forgive my dad for what he has done.

Divorce Hurts… and as a child of divorce I know how hard it can be living without both parents in your life. I was able to forgive my dad and move on because of all the listening ears in my life. And now, as a children’s ministry advocate, I want to strongly encourage you to provide a listening ear for the children in your life who are going through the pain and confusion of divorce.

The Effects of Divorce on Children

Please take a moment to watch this video clip.

• 90% of children experience shock when divorce occurs.
• 50% of children feel rejected, abandoned, and fatherless.
• 33% of children feel the hurt five years after the initial shock of the divorce.

I did not experience that initial shock of divorce, since I was very young; however I did experience the sense of rejection, the feeling of abandonment, and ultimately being left without a father in my life. Jane Aronson is a former school teacher and ‘pediatrician/adoption medicine specialist’; she has been working along side parents who have gone through divorce. After going through her own divorce she felt all the more compelled to walk alongside parents and their children. In her post for the New York Times she writes about how divorce affected her children:

Determining which home is the “real” one can be very difficult, even when the homes are both in the “lifestyle” of the past life. Where the kids feel the most comfortable is something that falls into place and can be hard for the parent whose home is not the favorite. Keeping kids out of the middle can be very challenging and often is not achievable — as sad as that is to admit. Frankly, keeping kids out of the middle is really the goal — as elusive as it may be from time to time.

A family will provide a child with a sense of security. A family will support the child’s financial, emotional, spiritual, and educational needs. However when parents get a divorce a child’s world can be flipped upside down. Moving back and forth from mommy’s home to daddy’s home can become exhausting. A child may need to move to a different school or find a different church to go to. The friends the child of divorce has made may fade due to moving. And the child’s sense of security may get damaged. It is vital, as Jane says, to keep children out of the middle. They will have enough problems to get through and shouldn’t have to hear their parents argue back and forth, while making the child ‘choose’ a side. And, as stated earlier, many children will end up ‘losing’ their father’s. I know how it can feel growing up without a dad. It can be very difficult. While going to church and a Christian school, I learned that God is known as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I could not connect at all with the idea that God was a Father. How could God the Father love me when my own earthly dad had left me? I struggled connecting with God throughout my middle school years; and on occasion I was even mad at Him. Many children experience the same thing I did. I currently serve at my church and at a summer camp. Both of these places I get the opportunity to walk alongside children going through this difficult time. I encourage you while you engage with children, either in ministry or at home, to take time and listen to their unique needs.

Divorce through the Eyes of a Child

Here is another video clip: watch an unscripted interview by this 7 year old child.

Will, the child in the video, states “the hardest part is going back and forth, back and forth”

Advice Will would give to other children going through divorce is to just pretend that the parents are still together.

This clip did a good job at presenting a child’s view point on divorce. In this unscripted interview we learned that young Will rates his life, on a scale of 1 to 10, and a 7. It is good to see that he still has a connection with both his father and his mother. However, due to the separation, his happiness level dropped from a 10 to a 7. He stated that there were some good parts, such as two Christmases and birthdays; however the he struggled with “going back and forth, back and forth” from his father’s house to his mother’s house. Most kids at his school, Will reported, did not understand what it was like not having both parents. Will’s story along with many other kids needs to be heard. We need to be willing to sit down and listen well. Throughout this next section I will provide some practical advice on how to communicate with the children in your ministries or in your life. Robert E. Emery is a professor of psychology and his primary focus is on children and families. Robert states, “Divorced parents still must fulfill their responsibilities to their kids, and in my view, children should have rights in divorced families.” He list 10 of those rights that every child of divorce should have

Every child whose parents divorce has:

1. The right to love and be loved by both of your parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
2. The right to be protected from your parents’ anger with each other.
3. The right to be kept out of the middle of your parents’ conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
4. The right not to have to choose one of your parents over the other.
5. The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of your parents’ emotional problems.
6. The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect your life; for example, when one of your parents is going to move or get remarried.
7. The right to reasonable financial support during your childhood and through your college years.
8. The right to have feelings, to express your feelings, and to have both parents listen to how you feel.
9. The right to have a life that is a close as possible to what it would have been if your parents stayed together.
10. The right to be a kid.

A child has the right to be a kid. If they are constantly caught in the middle of two parents, then that right is not given. A child needs to feel loved, a child needs to feel a sense of security, and a child needs to feel a sense of belonging. A child’s need should be taken seriously throughout the divorce process. If children do not get the attention they need and deserve, then much more serious effects could happen. There performance in school could drop, they could have an sense of fear or rejection, they could experience anger or depression, and their sense of trust could be compromised. Along with those effects, it is important to factor in what a divorce could have on a child’s spiritual life. They could start questioning whether or not they can trust God, they can develop anger directed towards God, and they could start to feel as if God doesn’t care (if He did care wouldn’t He get parents back together?).

As stated at the beginning of this blog,

Every child will experience divorce differently; we need to listen well and respond to their needs

It is up to us to come alongside the children in our ministries and in our families and listen to their unique needs. Several things we can do is…

• encourage children to be honest about their feelings
• help children put their feelings into words
• help children experience Jesus in midst of the divorce
• don’t give the child false hope (ex. don’t tell them that their parents might get back together)
• encourage them to keep sentimental things, such as birthday cards and pictures, and not throw them away because they are angry
• LET THEM KNOW IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT

PLEASE LISTEN… Divorce Hurts! But when we lend a listening ear to a child in need, we can help them through the struggle. Divorce was never apart of God’s design. However it is the reality that we now face. 50% of children growing up in America will experience their parents breaking up. It is important to LISTEN to the children in need.

~Scott Silva

References

1. http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/statistics-about-children-and-divorce.html (statistics)
2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpaUwLVxuno (effects)
3. http://nytlive.nytimes.com/womenintheworld/2016/10/04/the-consequences-of-divorce-and-putting-kids-at-the-center-of-bitter-custody-disputes/ (article)
4. http://downloads.frc.org/EF/EF12A22.pdf (effects)
5. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY5jqrb9wbY (through the eyes)
6. http://www.emeryondivorce.com/childrens_bill_of_rights_in_divorce.php (our response)