The Love of Jesus Defeats Abuse
Sociology is “the scientific study of human social behavior.”[1] If that’s correct, then it’s a travesty that the sociology textbook I used had to include a section on child sexual abuse — but I suppose evil and deviance are forms of “social behavior.” The book itself is rather old. It references studies on sexual abuse from the 70’s and 80’s, but the numbers from those decades were still grievously high — as many as two million children being sexually violated.[2] More recently, a 2007 study conducted by the National Criminal Justice Reference Service shows that, in the US, one out of every 15 adults has been forced into sex at some point in their lives. A 2009 study from the University of Barcelona concluded that 7.5% of US males and 25.3% of US females have experienced some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18.[3]
In case your heart’s not retching yet, these numbers are inconclusive. Why? Because it’s nigh impossible to know if every case is reported. The numbers above are already staggering. How many scarred hearts are actually out there? How many people are trapped in a maelstrom of confusion, anger, depression, and shame that they never asked for? How many of them are pulling someone else in with them? I’ve had so many young men and women sit in my office and start off the conversation by saying, “I’ve never told anyone this before,” to then go into a horrendous story of exploitation, experimentation, fear, confusion, self-loathing, and shame that will tear your heart in two. I don’t have a story like that. But I’ve learned to cry with those who do, and I suppose I’ve discovered a few things that help to overcome the effects of such stories. Maybe they’ll prove helpful to you or to someone you know.
I want to say from the beginning that I am not against therapy or any other “non-ministerial” care people might pursue to deal with their pasts. Christians get a little spooky about it sometimes, and sadly, can condemn those who feel they get more out of talking to a doctor than to a pastor. I think that’s very naïve and out of place. I will add, however, that humanity’s most fundamental problem is a spiritual one. Sin — whether committed by us or against us — leads to shame, and shame leads us to hide from God (as seen in Gen. 3:7–10). And I am convinced that this spiritual problem takes a spiritual solution: abuse and the shame it causes are defeated by the love of Jesus Christ.
In his letter to the Ephesians, the Apostle Paul prays that they will experience the transformative power of God in their lives (Eph. 3:14–21). What’s exceptionally striking about his prayer, though, is that the means to experiencing divine power is knowledge of divine love: “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power…to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Eph. 3:17–19 NIV). For Paul, walking in the power of God is wrapped up in knowing His love. That is to say, it’s in knowing His love that we find the power to live for Him. The problem I’ve run into over and over again, however, is that people with scars have a hard time believing God loves them. But if knowing His love is so critical, why is it so hard for some people to experience it? Especially when it’s people who need His empowering love the most.
Perhaps the biggest hindrance to believing in God’s love for us is when we judge ourselves unworthy of love. Deep in our hearts we nurture a belief that, because we do not like ourselves, we cannot imagine anyone else liking us. Because our parents didn’t love us, we cannot imagine anyone else thinking we are worth commitment. Because our first and formative sexual experiences were in a context of deviance, we remain haunted by shame and self-loathing. And who wouldn’t? I had a young man in my office this past summer who was drowning in shame and self-loathing. His typical confidence and swagger were just masks to hide a boy desperately trying to escape a horrific past. When he divulged that his mother had been his abuser, it became clear that he wasn’t just angry at her, but he was ashamed of himself. Why?
Because one of the most confusing aspects of sexual abuse for a child is the sensation of pleasure.[4] When I mentioned this and asked if that was perhaps what he was dealing with, he put his face in his hands and reluctantly acknowledged the truth of it. I asked him how old he was when it first started and how long it had continued.
He was six when it started. It went on for about four years.
How does a six-year-old process that? What do they do with fear, shame, and confusion that is all being created by someone whose presence should be the antidote to those feelings? They can’t process it. They are broken by it. Their self-perception, their understanding of sex, their ability to form and maintain healthy, intimate relationships — it is all thrown into jeopardy. This particular young man was now in a place where he could only be disgusted with himself. And all because an evil person manipulated a natural response of his body that never should have been awakened in that time or manner. But where trauma runs deep, the love of Jesus is deeper still.
My wife and I bought a bible for our son a few years ago called The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones. Like most children’s bibles, it offers paraphrased retellings of the most popular stories of Scripture. Where it does something I’ve never seen another children’s Bible do before, though, is that it shows how all of the Old Testament was looking ahead to Jesus’ coming. From the very beginning, it traces and retraces the Bible’s metanarrative of Creation-Fall-Redemption. Jesus and His salvific mission (accomplished) are the center of the whole story.
When I first started reading it to my boy, I found myself wrestling back tears because of a line in the creation narrative. After God creates Adam and Eve, Lloyd-Jones talks about how excited and happy God was about the children He had created for Himself; how He declared them to be the most beautiful thing He had ever made; how He loved them with all of His heart. And, that “they were lovely because he loved them.”[5]
Where do worth, value, and beauty come from? There’s a lot of truth to the notion that they are in the eye of the beholder. The reason why human beings have intrinsic worth and are inherently deserving of love and dignity is because God loves them. And there is no amount of abuse, shame, or trauma that can undo that. I’ve been telling a lot of people lately that they are lovely because He loves them. His love is deeper than abuse. It is wider than the effects of childhood trauma. It reaches higher than any form of shame. And that is why that young man didn’t need to continue living under the crushing weight of self-loathing. Because Jesus loves Him.
The reality of God’s love is more powerful than the reality of sin. And again, I include here sins committed by us, as well as those committed against us. Romans 5:8 says that “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” We are living nearly two millennia after Calvary, but those words have lost none of their potency. The Bible teaches that we are born naturally bent on sin. Life teaches us that we are vulnerable to violation and capable of violating others. Yet despite all this human ugliness, Jesus offers us an unconditional love that can restore any soul.
Sometimes people need to be told it wasn’t their fault. Sometimes they need to know that they can be forgiven for what they’ve done. Often, it’s a cruel mixture of both. But Jesus’ love is more powerful than all of it. The redeeming love Jesus displayed in His substitutionary sacrifice has so defeated sin, that He does not contradict Himself by loving and forgiving us. That’s pretty remarkable. Very often we make the mistake of trying to define now God ought to love us, failing to appreciate that He already has loved us. Our broken hearts get things distorted at times, and we feel convinced that “if God really loved us, then He would…” Well, you fill in the blank.
I don’t believe healing lies in answers. I believe it lies at the foot of an old, rugged cross. There, we do not say, “If God loves me,” but rather, “Because God loves me, I will move forward. I will heal. I will love myself. I will give love, as well as receive it.” For as many broken hearts as I’ve seen — and I’m sure I’ll see many more — I have seen just as many mended hearts. Again, I’m sure I’ll see many more. And I’m sure it will be the same God with the same love every time.
[1] Reimer, Milton K. “The Study of Sociology: An Introduction.” Christian Perspectives on Sociology, edited by Stephen A. Grunlan and Milton Reimer, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 2001, pp. 11–27.
[2] Conrad, Donald L. “Marriage and the Family.” Christian Perspectives on Sociology, edited by Stephen A. Grunlan and Milton Reimer, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 2001, pp. 167–187.
[3] Wihbey, John. “Global Prevalence of Child Sexual Abuse.” Journalist’s Resource, The Harvard Kennedy School’s Shorenstein Center and the Carnegie-Knight Initiative, 15 Nov. 2011, journalistsresource.org/studies/government/criminal-justice/global-prevalence-child-sexual-abuse.
[4] “Why Don’t Children Tell If They Have Been Abused?” Stop It Now!, www.stopitnow.org/faq/why-dont-children-tell-if-they-have-been-abused.
[5] Lloyd-Jones, Sally, and Jago. The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name. Zonderkidz, 2017.
