The Voice of Oppression
I’m greeted with the words As salamu alaiykum, but do they really wish peace unto me. No matter where I turn I am faced with confrontation. I’m confronted with the lectures of the topics as I feel as though I am being targeted, and alienated. I feel alone, unwanted, and indifferent.
My sanctuary is no longer peaceful. My peace has been disrupted.
The snickers and stares pierce into my soul as if they speak my name in vain. I chose to wear my garments in different ways than they do. I chose to not cover my hair, because in their eyes I am covered in sins,
(Because I am a lesbian)
They believe you can’t be born homosexual, but I knew that I was different in school by the way I looked at my female friends.
At that time, I didn’t know how to pray to become saved. I pray five times a day to Allah my God but are my prayers being answered.
I asked to be guided unto the straight path but the guided light is pointing me into the fiery pits of hell instead of paradise. Hell is what I walk into, when I go to the mosque every Sunday
(Why won’t they just accept me?)
Behind the smiling faces and the forceful hugs lies deception and hatred, hatred for not conforming to their religious standards. Bring me back to the straight path, help me to understand why I am wrong in your eyes.
My faith is essential to who I am but so is my sexuality. I am not one without the other. I am Muslim, I am happy, I am content.
Internally, I debate with myself on what it means to incorporate Islam in my life and to be a part of a community that I deeply care about and believe in as well. People want me to think that my entire identity is haram, but that is between me and the man above.
The same man above is who I call my creator. He is the all-knowing and made no mistake in his creation. God had a plan for me, when he created me.
If I’m a sinner, so is every Muslim believer that gossips, or engages in fornication. No sin is greater than the other.
In the eyes of Allah we are equal until judgement day. Judgement day is the day all of our sins will be told, but I will not judge, for I understood you for you are, not who I wanted you to be.
How can you claim to fight against racism and all the other -isms on behalf of others when you perpetuate it against your own?
(Why won’t they just accept me?)
Artist Statement
This poems serves as a voice for LGBTQ Muslims including myself. For most of my life I was silent, and afraid to speak about my sexuality, but I found the courage. In Islam, homosexuality is discussed but not accepted by many; it becomes a sin once an individual begins to act upon such feelings. The poem is supported by the four authors that I discuss below. Each reading helped to create the poem, by discussing such topics of oppression sickness, the notion of Self and Other, and the representation of homosexuality in the Black church.
The article “Still Looking for My Jonathan”: Gay Black Men’s Management of Religious and Sexual Identity Conflicts written by Richard Pitt looks at homosexual Black men who classify themselves as being members of the church; many of the men hold active leadership roles within their church. The men identify themselves as same-sex individuals despite their church being anti-homosexual. The church is often identified as one of the most oppressive environments that homosexual individuals encounter. In addition to churches, I would also add that Mosque are viewed as an oppressive environment for homosexual Muslims. Though I am not lesbian, I self-identify as being bi-sexual. I never came out as being bi-sexual in the mosque because I knew that I would be disowned. In Islam, as a religion we are aware that homosexuality is existent, but it is once you begin to act upon your feelings that is when it becomes sinful. While I was attending the mosque, I did begin acting out on my feelings, despite knowing the consequences. I began to distance myself from the mosque after studying and gaining a clearer understanding of the beliefs.
Krista McQueeney’s article “We are God’s Children, Y’All:” Race, Gender, and Sexuality in Lesbian and Gay-Affirming Congregations” addresses the issue of how lesbian, gay and straight affirming individuals address the issue of homosexual sin. In terms of minimizing, I am aware that the image of homosexuality is viewed as abnormal and sinful. I did not find comfort within the mosque due to not being accepted. I was considered a good Muslim only in the eyes of the believers at the mosque. In my case, I normalized my behavior by not displaying the behaviors of being homosexual. I conformed to the norms within the mosque. I am unable to relate to moralizing my sexuality. I do not believe that being homosexual provided me with a special calling, if anything it made me steer away from the religion as a whole.
Yvette Flunder’s article Church Interlude II: Healing Oppression Sickness deals with the topic of oppression sickness. Oppression Sickness is internalized oppression that causes the oppressed to be infected by the sickness of the oppressor. African-American churches have been affected through classism, sexism, hetero-privilege, patriarchy, and closed doors. The African American church as a long history of fighting for their rights. For over 400 years, African American churches have been built off the principles of sanctuary, education, socialization, information and community. When dealing with oppression sickness in the Black community, it is often stated that we are colonized and oppressed after being told to abandon the ways of our ancestors, and that the religion of Christianity was forced upon us. This brought up the topic of how devastating it is for someone to be condemned for their homosexuality by an institution that has been the root of the problem. How can Christianity shun homosexual Black individuals when this was not their original religion? How did slaveholders take on the responsibility of teaching Black people about Jesus? Conditional acceptance deals with trying to establish a relationship with God who tolerates you but cannot truly accept and certainly will never celebrate you. Such self-deprecation serves as a constant battle for many homosexual individuals. I battled with the term conditional acceptance, while I was learning to accept myself. I was taught that God was accepting of all of this people, if that is to be true, how could he not accept the LGBTQ community? Similarly to Christianity, in Islam we are taught that Allah makes no mistakes in his creations, if that is to be the case, why are homosexual Muslims told not to act upon their feelings? If God is aware of homosexuality why does religion teach us that it is a sin? No sin is greater than the other.
According to queer Episcopal priest Elizabeth Edman one of the most challenging aspects of human existence is negotiating between the Self and Other. We exist within communities that are interconnected with other communities and that can be isolated from other communities. A healthy approach to Self and Other is a balancing act; creating false binaries can throw an individual off balance. My balancing act was thrown off balance when I was in the stage of compartmentalizing two separate identities. I can say that I went through a period of compartmentalization of two identities of being heterosexual when attending the mosque and homosexual when I am not in attendance. In a way I am still like this today being that no one at the mosque knows of my homosexual identity. It made it hard for me to understand who I was. I am a bi-sexual Muslim. In return, I found it difficult to be true to myself. I was trying too hard to make both identities happy, when in reality all that I had to do was merge both identities into one. My intent was to not allow either identity to feel as though they have failed themselves or those around them, but to understand if someone is not willing to accept me for who I am, I do not need them in my life. Since then I have gained a complete sense of self, while learning that the acceptance of others will not alter my happiness, so long that I am happy with myself. It began easier for me to form connections with those who held a clear sense of identity.
Unlike the respondents from Pitt’s interview who ranked the Bible as being the highest role of how they live out their religious identity, I rank personal experience as being the highest in terms of how I live out my religious identity. It began in high school where I was comfortable enough to accept myself as being bi-sexual. The high school that I attended was very supportive and open, though we were not racially diverse. Our school was primarily African-American, followed by Asian, and White. In high school I became committed my identity, as it also provided a sense of salience; I became comfortable in the skin that I am. Just as the respondents were less likely to come out to extended family and more likely to come out to friends, I can say the same for myself. For me, I came out to my friends before I “came out” to my mom. It was easier for me to come out to my friends because I knew they would not judge me, and some of them shared similar identities as well. Being able to interact with my friends in such identity allowed me to become comfortable. I would say that it is easier to come out to friends first because in a way we do not owe our friends that same respect as we do our family. By owing respect, I mean that most of us hold our family to a higher pedestal than we do our friends. Our intent is not to break the bond within our family, our intent is to hope they accept and understand us. Depending on the relationship with your family, you might be risking the chance of never speaking to them again, whereas in this sense friends become your family. Such uncomfortablitity is represented by a stigma within the Black community.
I identify with Troiden’s identity confusions stage. In this stage, the person recognizes their thoughts and behaviors as homosexual, finds them unacceptable, and then seeks to reject the identity by inhibiting those thoughts and behaviors. In my case I was praying for deliverance. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong. Why would could create me to be attracted to females, if he considers homosexuality to be a sin? Was I born a sinner? How do I change? So I stuck around the mosque a little longer, maybe if I engaged more in prayer, I would change and go back to normal. That hasn’t worked yet. During the time that I did try to come out to my mom, she yelled at me and said you’re not born gay, no one is. From that point on, I knew where she stood on the issue. Either she knows that I am bi-sexual and doesn’t want to acknowledge it or she is not acknowledging it at all. After this encounter I identified with Troiden’s third stage of identity assumption which deals with legitimizing the identity and neutralizing the feelings of guilt brought upon by society. This is where I began to distance myself from the church, in order to gain a more positive self-image of myself. as well as to build my self-esteem. Just as many of the Black churches has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in regards to sexual orientation, I would say the same about the mosque. I have reached the stage of identity synthesis which involved integrating sexual identity and religious identity into a new identity. Despite the mosque not knowing my sexual identity, I have accepted being a bi-sexual Muslim.
References
Edman, Elizabeth M. Queer Virtue: what lgbtq people know about life and love and how it can revitalize Christianity. Beacon, 2016.
Flunder, Yvette. 2015. CHURCH INTERLUDE II: Healing Oppression Sickness. Pp. 115–124 in Talvacchia K., Pettinger M., & Larrimore M. (Eds.), Queer Christianities: Lived Religion in Transgressive Forms. New York: NYU Press.
McQueeny, Krista 2009, “‘We are God’s Children, Y’All:’ Race, Gender, and Sexuality in Lesbian- and Gay-Affirming Congregations,” Social Problems 56 (1): 151–173.
Pitt, Richard N. , 2010, “‘Still Looking for My Jonathan’: Gay Black Men’s Management of Religious and Sexual Identity Conflicts,” Journal of Homosexuality 57:39–53
