The Fortitude Series: When You Need To File a Restraining Order Against Your Own Family
If your own family is abusing you, controlling you, gaslighting, how would you know? How would you know if it’s not all in your head, that you’re being paranoid and strange?
This is the internal nightmare that many of us experience when living with an abusive, toxic parent, partner or sibling(s).
We ought to do everything in our power to love our families and serve them, but if they are actually causing us damage, harm and illness, then you need to know how to take action to protect yourself. Sometimes, in extreme cases, that includes taking legal action. This blog is the first in a series by the Christian Response Forum, of how to do just that.
The Biggest Taboo
Nearly 250,000 children were referred to social services for cases of domestic abuse in 2021 in the UK.¹
At least 1 in 10 children are victims of incest.²
While more people than ever are feeling more confident to speak out against our governments, corporates and institutions, very rarely if ever are we allowed to question the families we come from.
When Does ‘Honour Your Parents’ Not Apply?
Whether you’re a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu or atheist, the creed of respecting and honouring your parents is crucial for children to grow up with healthy respect for their parents and elders. But there are times where this creed and indeed Godly commandment, is inappropriately enforced.
As a Christian myself, I’ve heard this commandment used against me and others in a manipulative way to get children to obey their parents even if that hurts the child. So how can you respect this commandment in perspective? From a Biblical point of view; this commandment comes within “The Ten Commandments” in the Old Testament. It is preceded by foundational commandments; have no other gods but God, do not worship idols and do not take God’s name in vain.
Whatever your beliefs, this applies to us all. God in essence, is truth, reality and love. If a parent or family member has made themselves a god to be worshipped by their children, where is the honour in that exactly? Are they always right? Are you never allowed to question them? Even the word Israel means to wrestle with God! Is your independence respected or are you forced to conform to the family motto no matter what? How do they respond if you genuinely question their parenting or so-called love for you? Do you get the feeling that when they say they just want the best for you, they forget to include the end of that sentence; “…as long as it benefits me!”
Honour your parents and your family — as long as they’re not trying to play god. Don’t obey someone whose character is dishonourable.
Have You Tried Your Best With Your Family?
Legal accountability should be a last resort. Here are a few simple questions to ask yourself if you’ve genuinely taken every effort before taking any legal action. If anyone in your family is abusing you in any way or form, sometimes there are simple steps you can take to just give yourself breathing space…
- Is the person in your family causing your life physical, emotional or mental harm right now?
- Have you tried to reason with them and they don’t listen?
- Have you sought professional help / mediation for you and for them to try and be understood?
- Have you tried asking for personal space for a period of time? (i.e. no contact for a few weeks / months) Did they respect that or not?
- If they are abusing you, have you taken this to the police to have it on written record?
When Should You Explore Getting a Restraining Order on a Member of Your Family?
Getting a restraining order can be very difficult for everyone involved. Just applying for an order can bring up a lot of pain and trauma in re-living abuse you might be suffering or have suffered. I know this first hand and even tried to avoid this process for months because I was so scared of holding someone accountable in my family.
Do Not Be Disheartened if People Don’t Believe You
Unfortunately, there are many times when the police may not pursue your case, either due to a lack of hard evidence, or simply because they’re overwhelmed with other cases. I’ve experienced this myself and it can be really disheartening but it does not have to be the end.
If you’ve tried the above steps and nothing has worked, then it’s time to file for a restraining order, or what the UK courts term a non-molestation order. It doesn’t matter if you still live with this person or not. If they’ve caused and/or are causing harm in your life, you can apply.
How Do You Get Started?
If you’re in the UK, here are some links to the forms you will need to fill out.
There are two documents titled “FL401” for you to give an account of the abuse you’ve been through and the effect it’s had on you. Take your time with this. I found this the hardest part, to actually write out in detail what abuse I’d been through. I wanted to avoid it and rush it, but take your time, you’re just protecting yourself and standing up for the truth. If it’s hard that’s ok, it is part of the process and may be the hardest part.
Apply for a non-molestation or occupation order: Form FL401
If you want any of your personal details kept private for the other family member to not know your postal address or phone number etc., you will need to complete this form called a C8:
C8: Apply to keep your contact details confidential from other parties in family proceedings
The court will send a bailiff to serve the person you want a restraining order against. So you will need to provide a description and personal details of them. Again, this isn’t easy, knowing that they will be personally served by the courts. This is in effect “pushing the button” and making sure they’re held accountable. It might feel daunting and you may feel nervous, but this is absolutely the right thing if you need them to stop their abuse.
D89: Request for personal service by a court bailiff (applications issued before April 2022)
Getting Legal Support
Once you’ve submitted your application, it may take the court a week or more to reply to you depending on their caseload. Be patient.
Start looking for solicitors in your local area and explain your case. Don’t minimise what’s happened to you. If you were abused and attacked, they need to know. Frankly, many lawyers are concerned with the bottom line financial incentive and they’ll want to know how strong your case is. So make sure you are clear on:
- What specifically your case boils down to. i.e. have they physically abused you? Emotionally through the internet? Have they stalked you? Harassed you?
- What result you’re seeking? Do you want them to just stop and leave you alone? A jail sentencing? Try and get as clear as possible.
Most restraining orders will be in effect for 6–12 months depending on the case, with the chance to extend it further, so just bear that in mind.
Legal Aid
If you’re struggling financially, the courts will help you find a solicitor who will take your case on through Legal Aid. For example if you’re on Universal Credit or struggling to earn a basic income, you will most likely be eligible for Legal Aid to cover your costs. You can talk to your solicitor about this. I was able to save thousands of pounds through Legal Aid in my case.
Have The Right Support Around You
I can’t stress this enough — if you have support around you, or if you need support, make sure to get it.
For anyone who’s been abused by a family member, you’ll know that holding them accountable can feel like you’re betraying them and hurting them. We don’t realise that we are the ones who’ve been abused and that we need to be protected. If you feel this way, there’s a good chance you could sabotage your progress. Having a counsellor, therapist, mentor, friends around you who can give you sound, objective and wise advice is crucial here. I had members of my family, close friends and mentors to support me.
And to finish, I want to share a piece of Biblical insight with you, from Christ Himself, who knew of the challenges we would face…
“A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.”
- Matthew 10:26
Get in Touch
If you don’t have anyone around you, or if you do but you’d value some experience-based advice, please feel free to get in touch with me at sukh@lighthouseglobal.family. Myself and several others at Lighthouse have gone through this process so we can guide you through it, and potentially help you reduce your legal costs too.
Upcoming Articles
At The Christian Response Forum, we will be sharing more insights and experiences on:
- How to ensure you have solid evidence on your abusers to bring a firm case to the police / to the courts
- How to find the right pre-legal support and avoid incurring thousands of pounds/dollars in legal fees
- How to protect your business from online predatory trolls
- Being part of a co-operative of like hearted and like spirited individuals and organisations who want to protect their families, children and businesses
References
1: Record numbers of children and young people affected by domestic abuse | NSPCC
2: Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation, by Susan Forward PhD
