My First Date With Ayahuasca

And what I learned in the process

Christina Lopes

Published in

Space & Stillness

11 min readOct 16, 2016

By Christina Lopes, Healer, Life Coach, Author.

“Observe. Just obseeeeerrrrve…”

Those were the first words I heard from Ayahuasca, about 20 minutes after drinking a tea made from this shamanic plant. I was sitting in meditation, surrounded by a group of 9 other people. We each drank the tea one-by-one and then sat quietly on the floor, waiting for the plant to take effect.

I was excited, if a bit nervous. Then the shaman began to whistle lightly and play his drum. “Icaros”, as they are known, are the shamanic ceremonial songs that accompany each plant medicine ceremony. And they had arrived just in time. I started to see outer space, stars, galaxies, geometric shapes that I didn’t recognize.

Here’s an example of what icaros sound like. This is a great track for meditation:

Ayahuasca was here. My body slumped forward, my forehead almost touching the ground. And my consciousness was immediately sucked into what felt like a dark black hole. My brain began to think at warp speed. Initially, I could actually identify them as “thoughts”, even though they seemed a bit disjointed, nonsensical.

I tried really hard to do what the plant said: “Observe”. But I was struggling to keep the “observer’s position”. I kept free-falling into the black hole, my body feeling like I was being sucked down a gigantic bathtub drain. It was a whirlpool of darkness.

The “thoughts” quickly gave way to just words. Then it was all downhill from there. My brain was spewing gibberish. There was no thought left. Just a steady stream of nonsense. I felt myself grasping for dear life. But what the heck could I grasp onto? I was in the middle of space, surrounded by darkness.

I stayed immersed in my gibberish-vomiting mind for hours. Ayahuasca would come in every once in awhile, providing the only real “words” I could understand: “Observe. Just observe.”

I struggled. I spent hours struggling to observe. Slowly, I began to formulate thoughts again. I was still plunging down a bottomless black hole but I could now “understand” better.

My mind was fighting the plant.

I laughed a little inside at my current predicament. Here I was, an experienced meditator and healer who teaches others about mindfulness, struggling to observe her own mind in a non-judgmental way.

What a dose of humility I got fed in those hours.

I understood what Ayahuasca was doing. And I surrendered. I pressed my face to the ground and whispered “I surrender to this plant’s will.” This became my mantra, repeated countlessly throughout most of the night.

Then, in the midst of the mental gibberish, I added another mantra: “Thank you. Thank you.”

As I began to feel some semblance of peace in the chaos of my mind, I heard Ayahuasca step in again:

“Now observe the observer.”

I felt my consciousness exit my physical body and “float” right in front of my face. “I” (pure consciousness) was now observing Christina, as she sat there, eyes closed, observing her own mind. It was an incredible but short lived experience.

I was soon back to the darkness of space. But I began to feel more at ease with the plummeting darkness and the mind-f**k I was experiencing.

That’s when I felt my paternal grandmother (who passed away years ago) grab my right forearm. I cried tears of joy. My “Avó” (Portuguese for grandmother) had been present in other spiritual adventures of mine. She was my spirit guide years before, when I went into spontaneous regression meditations, my consciousness traveling to multiple past lives.

And here she was again, stopping my freefall in an instant. She kept holding on to my forearm and guiding me “forward” (what does that even mean in outer space?) Then she disappeared, leaving me to listen more intently to Ayahuasca:

“You are in this lifetime to balance your mind and expand your heart. Balance your mind; expand your heart.”

The plant pulled my consciousness into my chest. I began to feel chest discomfort that quickly escalated to pain. My heart lit up with a pure white light and my rib cage began to hurt. I took a deep breath and fell backwards on my back. My heart began to “kick” instead of beat.

Miraculously, I was now more at peace then I had been in the mind-trip. It was physically uncomfortable to be in this “heart space” but I much preferred it to the mental whirlpool of darkness.

“Your gift has always been your heart.”

Immediately, I was taken back to past lifetimes, where I had been used as a human sacrifice. My heart had been carved out of my chest. Intense pain. I remembered the helpful mantra again: “I surrender to this plant’s will.”

The shaman’s apprentice had been singing icaros for some time now, but it was only at that specific moment that I understood what she was saying:

“Abre el corazon…”

“Open your heart”, how pertinent.

My consciousness was now peacefully resting in my chest light. I felt someone touch my stomach and opened my eyes to see the shaman sitting next to me, blowing smoke over my body. But the plant was calling me back to my heart so I quickly closed my eyes again.

My heart kicked and I stopped breathing on multiple occasions throughout the rest of the night. Kumbhaka — as this cessation of breathing is known in yogic traditions — didn’t scare me. I had experienced it before during many deep meditation sessions. But the heart kicks brought a twinge of fear every once in awhile.

“I wonder if I’m actually dying.”

Ayahuasca interrupted that thought and gently nudged my consciousness toward my right hand:

“You are a healer.”

My hand began to tingle, grow in size, and turn bright yellowish. It felt like it was on fire, but not “burning” fire. It felt like a “living” fire. I saw flashes of very sick people, working with me. Then my heart started to ache again.

“You must be completely comfortable in the death realms. You cannot work with the very sick unless you are comfortable with death.”

My heart kicked again and I stopped breathing. But I was becoming more at peace with my heart discomfort now.

“It’s ok if I die today.”

And off I went, into outer space again, just as I had at the beginning of the ceremony. But now, Ayahuasca was taking me “back” to the “beginning” of it all. My vision was so expanded, I could see the entire universe displayed before me. I couldn’t see the plant but I knew she was smiling.

“You need to relax more. This is all a big cosmic joke anyways!”

And she was gone. My consciousness slowly began to return to “reality” and I opened my eyes slightly. Right in front of me was a big window, facing sunrise. I smiled. The sun was peeking on the horizon. And I was born anew.

I’m still in what is called the “integration phase” after a plant medicine ceremony. I can still feel Ayahuasca in my energy system and have spent many days in silence/meditation since the ceremony.

Shamans believe that the integration process, post-Ayahuasca, is just as important as the ceremony itself.

But in these days of stillness since my first date with Ayahuasca, I’m keenly aware of some profound lessons I learned from her on that miraculous night. I hope these lessons will help you, if/when you decide to work with the “vine of death” (as she is known).

Lesson 1: Observe. Just observe.

Whatever Ayahuasca shows you, try to stay in the observer’s position. Remember: you are not your thoughts, your emotions, your body. You are the Watcher of it all.

As tantra guru Osho says:

“You can never be the seen. You cannot be reduced to an object. You are subjectivity, pure subjectivity, irreducible subjectivity; there is no way to turn yourself into an object, into a thing. You cannot put yourself in front of yourself because whatsoever you put there will not be you. You will always be the one in front of whom the thing is put…There is no object: it is pure subjectivity — only the container, no content. The movie has stopped; only the screen, the pure white screen…But there is nobody to look at this white screen. You are the white screen.”

Lesson 2: This is all a big cosmic joke.

Life can be lived lightheartedly, with the heart of a child. Perhaps that is what Ayahuasca was doing to my heart during the ceremony: returning it to its childlike wonder.

I try to live in this state of absolute joy and wonder most of the time, giggling at butterflies and gazing at beautiful flowers. But then sometimes, my mind gets serious.

In fact, I probably spent the whole damn Ayahuasca night in a state of fear and seriousness. Only to have the plant announce, right as she was exiting, that this was all a big joke.

I’m laughing as I write these very words. What a joke the vine of death played on me.

In the days after the ceremony, I came upon an article in my Facebook feed, that caught my attention right away because of its title: “The Cosmic Joke Behind Enlightenment.”

I started laughing out loud as soon as I saw it. The opening lines read:

“The great cosmic joke is that you are what you are seeking. All the religious and spiritual seeking on this planet and you end up back where you started. If that’s not a fantastic joke worth a good belly laugh I don’t know what is. We all look for happiness, peace and fulfilment in the things of the world, yet all along these things are our very nature — our very own centre of being.”

So go ahead: laugh more. Enjoy life. And don’t take things seriously.

Lesson 3: You are not alone and help is always available.

I was fully aware of this truth at various moments throughout the ceremony. The shaman would simply appear out of nowhere when I felt particularly lost. When I was struggling, I’d open my eyes and there he was: blowing smoke in my face or singing right by my side.

And he did the same for others. No one was left truly alone, even while they were going through their personal, individual journeys. Aside from the shaman and his apprentice, the rest of us were also there for each other. This may seem odd, given that I only knew 2 people in the group of 10.

But as the plant began to course through my body, the world of energy became clearer and clearer to me. At some point during the night, after my hand had been “activated” by the plant, I felt it move on its own, pointing toward specific people at various locations in the room.

My healing hand (the right one) was sending energy to some of the people who were struggling with violent vomiting. And I’m certain that others in the group helped me too when I was lost in the recesses of my mind or when my heart decided to kick violently in my chest.

The truth is, you’re simply never alone in a plant medicine ceremony. Not only are you surrounded by other people but you are also embraced by a deep love from Spirit.

Ayahuasca challenges, she pushes, she cleanses. But she loves you deeply.

In fact, the plant is merely a conduit for the unconditional love of Source.

Through her, you get to experience YOU…the “ irreducible subjectivity” or “pure white screen”, as Osho says.

Now, to the most common question I got from readers about Ayahuasca and plant medicine in general:

“How will I know if or when I’m ready to participate in a ceremony?”

I will answer this question directly but first, allow me to take a slight detour.

I had felt a calling to work with the plant for years before it actually occurred. But I approached this topic in the same way I live life in general:

I took my mind or ego out of the equation altogether.

What do I mean by this?

If I feel a calling to something, I ask the Universe to show me clear signs of the calling, before I move toward any action. This state of “non-action” is a place I’ve learned to dwell in over the years.

We’re still very immersed in a “doing” society/culture. I used to be the same way too. But over so many years of suffering, I realized that action can lead to great sorrows, when it’s not based on your soul truths.

Now, I remain in a state of “non-action” or “Being”, most of the time. And what this means is that I will frequently ask the Universe to bring to me whatever my soul desires.

The operating theme here is “bring to me”.

The collective consciousness known as Abraham calls this the “receptive mode”. It means that your main focus is to be rooted in Being, knowing with 100% certainty that the Universe will open doors for you, in divine time.

As Abraham puts it:

“Someone who likes to make things happen is the opposite of someone who trusts. Because someone who trusts let’s things happen.”

How did I “let” Ayahuasca happen in my life?

I simply asked the plant to show me clear signs when it was time. And she did. I dreamt of her one night and woke up with a smile on my face. I knew it was time.

And through a series of synchronicities, 3 weeks later, I was sitting in a shaman’s home in the outskirts of Lisbon, drinking the magic tea.

That’s how naturally it all happened. Without pushing. Without acting from the mind. Just asking for the plant to make herself known to me when it was time.

You can do the same. If you feel a calling to work with Ayahuasca, ask the Universe to “bring” her to you at the perfect time.

Trust me when I say: it will all occur naturally, with flow and ease.

As with so many things in life, if you find yourself “efforting” or “pushing” for something, that’s a sure sign to stop, take a deep breath, and come back into the state of non-action.