Knowing Someone with a Chronic Illness
Keeping them up without falling down
A chronic illness is not an easy thing to live with, for anyone. While it’s no doubt hard for the person living with it, it can also be hard for those supporting and taking care of them. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum and one way is not easier than the other; they each have their own burdens. So if you know someone who may suffer from a chronic illness, keep these things in mind.
1. Don’t ask how they are doing every other second
The answer will almost always be “fine,” except for the rare moments when that person breaks down and needs to talk about it. They have to live with it everyday and they don’t need to be reminded everyday that they do. Asking them just makes it worse. They know you care, so show them you do by taking their mind off of it and always being there for them. It’s not to say you can’t ask them how they are doing but after awhile the answers are going to be the same and it’s just a reminder to the person what they are dealing with, which they don’t want by any means. You care about them, that’s evident, but there are others ways to show that rather than asking them every other second if they are ok.
2. Treat them normally
They don’t want to be defined by their disease so don’t treat them as if they are infected or can’t do anything you can. “Maintain a sense of normality as much as possible,” Prof. Dressler said, it’s a way in which they cope with the illness. Sure, there are some days that are worse than others, and that does take a toll on them, but they don’t want to always be seen as weak or incompetent. They get that enough from everyone else, they don’t need it from their loved ones too. Just because they struggle doesn’t make them weak, in fact, in some ways it makes them stronger. So show them that you see their strength and perseverance, show them that they haven’t changed in your eyes and that they are the person you love and always will love.
3. Just because they look fine, doesn’t mean they are
This isn’t going to be an easy thing, I know. You will never know how they are truly doing and they aren’t always going to want to talk about it. They may say they are fine but not be and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it except be there for them. They don’t want you to worry 24/7 and they don’t want you to think they won’t be alright. They need you to be strong so that they can be strong. You can’t always assume they are fine because they so but you also have to remember that that shouldn’t affect how you treat them. Everyday you should tell them you love them, whether they are fine or not, that’s something they need to hear and want to hear.
4. You don’t know everything
No matter how much research you do and how many doctors you see, you will never know everything. Trust me I’ve tried. Sometimes it helps thinking you know what’s going on, but you will never know everything. Chronic diseases can be unpredictable. While it’s an ongoing thing, it doesn’t mean everyday is going to be the same. There are going to be surprises and some days that you can’t handle. Some days it may seem like it gets easier but it’s not always going to be like that. I know that’s not what anyone wants to hear but you learn to accept it. Don’t try to know everything there is, because no illness is going to be the same for every person. And you may think you know best but the person living with it mostly likely knows what’s best for them. This doesn’t mean you can’t help, but you got to learn to let go and know that you won’t always be in control.
5. It’s going to be a long road ahead
I won’t lie to you and say it will be easy. I still struggle every day seeing the people I love hurting and struggling. It’s hard to see the ones you love hurting and it’s hard knowing you can’t fix it. But at some point you come to realize that yes it’s going to be hard sometimes and yes I’m going to break down but yes I’m also going to be okay. The road isn’t going to be easy but it will be possible. Whether you’re Christian or not I want to share with you a saying that my boyfriend shared with me, “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.” I’ve wrestled with this idea for a long time and it’s as true for you as it is for the person going through the illness. No matter how difficult it gets, you can take it, you are strong enough for anything.
