Just Say No: Learning to Minimize the Emotional Toll of FOMO

By Marion J. Herbert

Nearly anyone with a chronic illness can remember a time they’ve had to stay behind. Maybe it was a Friday night happy hour you knew you couldn’t attend, a date you’ve suddenly had to cancel or even a vacation you’ve had to bow out of. This may have caused uncomfortable conversations, heightened anxiety and subsequent feelings of loneliness. But believe it or not, learning to say “no” might actually be the best thing you can do for your health.

Nobody wants to have FOMO all the time, but feeling uncomfortable about turning down plans will only increase your anxiety, which can have serious implications on your overall physical health, says Karuna Rockwell, a mentor for women with chronic illness who is living with an autoimmune disease called IgA nephropathy.

“Emotional stress is a major influencer of physical health for those with chronic illness,” she says. “One of the healthiest things you can do is to tune in to your feelings and communicate them.”

Learning to put your foot down comfortably and confidently can not only lead to greater physical and mental well-being, but can also improve your communication with your family, friends and loved ones. These four tips can make it easier to say no.

Don’t be a people pleaser.

Individuals with chronic illness often feel more inclined to appease others, in particular those who have helped them cope with their symptoms over the years, says Ashley Jane Kneeland, author of Living Incurably Despite Chronic Illness.

“When you’re sick, you have guilt,” she says. “You want to support the people who have given up things to take care of you when you were at your worst. But the best way to repay someone is to take care of yourself and maintain your health.”

Steer clear of TMI.

Have you ever found yourself canceling plans, getting nervous and spiraling into an accidental diatribe describing each and every symptom? It’s only natural to want to tell the full story about why you can’t attend. After all, you want others to know that you would be there if you could. However, in doing this you’re unintentionally dwelling on your symptoms and putting even more pressure on yourself, says Kneeland. “Try not to offer too much information. It stirs up more feelings of angst for everyone involved.”

Your friends and family know that your health is your priority, and you can leave it at that.

Know your boundaries and find creative ways to participate.

According to Karuna, knowing and accepting what you can and can’t do ahead of time can help you prioritize plans and not make promises you can’t keep. For instance, tell your friend that you can’t go to a late dinner, but would love to grab lunch instead. Or perhaps she can’t go away for a long weekend, but would be happy to go on a day trip to a nearby city. You can also get creative and find compromising ways to participate in activities. For instance, maybe you can’t commit to an entire bachelorette weekend, but could join the group for dinner or an afternoon outing.

Setting these boundaries is not only beneficial to you, but can also help your family and friends understand what activities are realistic for you.

Leave the anxiety behind you.

The most important thing to do after declining plans is to take a deep breath and let it go. Carrying the burden of what you could or could not do will only lead to increased tension at the end of the day. Your home needs to be a place of refuge where you can recover and find both mental and physical balance, says Kneeland. There will be other opportunities for social gatherings, but in that moment your health takes precedence.

Article originally published May 4, 2016 on Chronicality.com