6 innovative ways to arrive at a party
Parties are an excellent place to drink alcohol, meet new people and forget about your troubles. Whilst the essence of a party — heinous celebration — will never change, we at CHUNKS believe some things can and, crucially, should.
Arriving in style to a party says much more than departing. Nobody remembers what Terry said when he was done for the evening, because everyone was tired and Terry was a bit forgettable. But with an entrance of note, you can not only rock the boat, but drive it, too!
Let’s take a look at six innovative ways to arrive at a party.
#1: Out-of-hours
No respectable party actually starts at 8pm. Everyone who is anyone will arrive an hour later in a confusing attempt to appear both chill and raring to go at once. No, you arrive five minutes early. Keep the host on their toes. Have them ask you to help with preparation and then say “NO, I AM YOUR GUEST YOU LAZY PRICK”, swiftly followed by a pat on the back and a “thanks for the invitation!”.
#2: “Doing a Polish”
This is, as we all know, the German expression for arriving at a party, but, importantly, without telling anyone. Considered rude by most cultures, the Polish culture has elevated this stealthy party arrival technique to an art form, and indeed: belts of various colours are awarded at an annual Łódź ceremony for the greatest expositions of the art of arriving at a party without telling anyone and then not engaging in chit-chat. Brown belts and below are, however, permitted to mingle in a non-memorable fashion. Have you, dear CHUNKS readers, ever successfully executed the Polish?
#3: Following yonder star
Yes indeed, this is the party that was promised, and no, that is not a star, but a natural satellite, guiding you on your way to a place of great interaction with other mortals in a place. Follow it, oh ye party-guzzling bastard of light, follow it and reach your final destination. Your final destination is this village hall. Have you brought your Lambrusco with you? Are you wearing your lucky braces? Did you moisturize your pineal gland? Good. Then you are ready, and this is the party. Be a component henceforth thereof.
#4: Noisily
We’ve all hosted a party before. We all know what that heavy stress feels like in the build up to the event. And afterwards, we fret over whether our assembled guests did, in fact, experience a pleasant time. So, when the tables are turned and you’re the guest, it’s your turn to combat the host’s reservations by exuding loud words of excitement and encouragement when you arrive, for all to hear! Some steadfast classics include “what a great time I’ve had so far, in a relatively short time” and “it is patently obvious to me that everyone is going through a really great time at the moment”. Use your imagination and have some fun with it.
#5: Desperately alone
Embrace it, you’re a tiger. Own that loneliness. You’ll be the envy of every being in the room when you loudly announce that you’re heading home to a cold, empty flat, and that you’ve got to be up early tomorrow for that twelve-week Performance Improvement Plan Management Consultancy Course they’re sending you on, the utter bastards.
#6: As foretold
As it was written, so it shall henceforth be. It is the apparition of you, and you have become colocated with the merriment which is. Yes indeed, you are a prophetess, and yet you are also the subject of the prophecy. Hark and behold! Woe unto thy neckbones! You are in the party. You are as foretold. Peace be upon thy fellow revellers for they are in your presence.
