On Moons
Moons. We can’t live with them, and we can’t live without them. Moons. Pray tell me then: if this is the case, then why do we pass over them so silently in our daily comings and goings? One might argue that this is indeed rather apt, given the silent and daily manner in which they Passover us during the hours of darkness.
It’s now beneficial to answer the question that I’m sure you’re all asking: “Yes, but which moon?”. That is a difficult question. To that end, we at CHUNKS have produced this handy guide to all the moons you’re likely to encounter as you go about your daily day-to-day life.
Supermoon
A supermoon is not so much a moon as an historical event. That is, it is an event in which the normal moon is replaced by a somewhat larger moon for a day. People will post their photos of this moon on various websites (alas, not CHUNKS, for we are not possessed of social networking capabilities at this time). This is an excellent opportunity to demonstrate your superior knowledge of The Moons by commenting “aha, I see that you too have noticed the slightly larger moon that the powers that be have put in the place of our normal moon. How very amusing this is for all of us.” I fucking love science!
A blue moon
Blue Moons are often found on the outskirts of our planetary solar system, and can only ever be seen once. This is the origin of the expression “once seen, a blue moon”.
Ganymede
Ganymede isn’t a serious contender for the sky due its extreme laziness. It is also quite low on the CHUNKS ranking due to its distance from Earth, the place you are likely reading this from.
We then ask, timidly but firmly, if the little-moon-that-could from Jupiter could work a little harder to make its way into our hearts and minds. We’re not entirely sure who we should ask, but we still do.
Sailor Moon
It’s been a while since my friend Zarrah sent me a message about Sailor Moon, but we all know she’s thinking about it non-stop. I once went to her house and saw six(!) figurines next to her toaster. She used to live in Japan, though, so it’s largely fine. Fun fact: Sailor Moon is the only moon capable of hitting your eye like a big pizza pie!
Bryan from accounts
Some people claim that Bryan from accounts is a moon. These people are absolutely correct.
Black Hole Sun
“Black hole Sun, won’t you come, won’t you come,” asked Soundgarden on their seminal 2016 docudrama Black Hole Sun. And now, after a certain period of anticipation, the scientists have concluded: the black hole Sun will not come, because it’s actually a moon, and moons don’t come. I fucking love science!
Phobos
Phobos, or “Phobos” as it’s commonly (and currently) known, is a moon, but not of this world. Whoa. Spooky. That’s just spooky, Phobos.
Natural satellites
It came as an historic surprise to us here at CHUNKS that moons are not in fact moons, but they are, in fact, natural satellites. These hulking great astronomical bodies usually, but not exclusively, orbit around planets. This is all well and good, but when the gravity of a planet inevitably fails, these astronomical ovoids can slip out into Deeper Space, and possibly come hurtling towards Our Planet. We’ll never be able to predict when this will happen, so it’s always good to keep an eye out, and to remind others to remain watchful.
Stay safe, CHUNKers. Only you can prevent the moons.
