It’s Complicated

Recently, my status with The Church has changed from “In a Relationship” to “It’s Complicated.” My story is one that has been heard before, and while I do not hate The Church by any means, I do have my reservations.

I grew up attending service every Sunday. When I was old enough, I went to youth group every Wednesday. I was heavily involved and participated in every event I could. Church was my safe haven — the place I used to escape the complications that home life brought. However, there was always one secret I hid from everyone. A secret I felt that, if I told anyone, I would be banned from the place I found so much solace in. I was attracted to the same sex.

I kept this secret hidden throughout my time at the church. As I grew, I realized that the only thing I wanted to do was be a youth pastor. After high school, I went off to study youth ministry and become a youth pastor. Though I still felt I could not be my true self, or let anyone know my feelings, college was a wonderful experience for me. I fell in love with the Bible and even more deeply in love with Jesus. I finally allowed others to know the secret I had kept my entire life, and actually found acceptance in it.

After college, I was more in love with The Church than I ever had been. I accepted a position in a residency program in a growing church. I was doing youth ministry. Growing. Learning. Building relationships with students. I even gained the courage to share my story of same sex attraction with the congregation of the church. I thought I was over it and I was moving on to the next phases of my life. Turns out I was wrong.

Shortly before my residency ended, I fell in love with another man. Now, this may sound a little too “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” but falling in love completely wrecked my world. I had dated girls in my past, but the way I felt about this man was like nothing I had ever experienced before. This caused a series of dominoes to fall in my life.

I met with the pastors of the church and told them my dilemma. I decided to remove myself from ministry. Most of the meetings were met with lectures of disappointment. I was making a mess for everyone to clean up. My two years of ministry was going to count for nothing if I decided to pursue this relationship.

You may have already guessed, but I did decide to pursue the relationship. The events that unfolded after are what have pushed me away from The Church. I do not blame the church I worked at for what happened, I was just more hurt and heartbroken over it. The church found out I was dating a man (which I had planned to tell them. However, they found out before I could). I do not want to play the victim here, because I know mistakes were made on my part as well. It ended up being an extremely messy situation.

A letter was sent out by the church to all of the leaders and parents discussing my “life decisions,” basically telling people to use my choices as a way to show that God’s ways don’t match with the world’s ways. Meetings were held about me as well. I was asked to take the church off my Facebook as a place of employment. Students were told not to meet with me. I was so angry and hurt, and in those moments I felt my love for The Church turn cold.

I have to be honest, I was happier than I ever had been dating a man. I finally felt free, and felt that I could love another human deeply while also loving Christ deeply. Our relationship was not perfect, and we have since broken up. But in those months, I felt as though I had truly found myself.

I still am hesitant to attend church. Sometimes the thought makes me sick to my stomach. I have not found reconciliation yet, and it terrifies me to get involved in a church again. I do not want to feel the hurt I felt before. However, recently, I heard a message from Bruxy Cavey (which I have attached below) that has begun to restore my hope that one day I could be reconciled to the church.

“Our gay and lesbian friends, brothers, sisters, have been fighting. Fighting for what right? Fighting for the right to experience loyalty, covenant, centeredness, self-sacrificial love in marriage. Those are really Jesus qualities. So even if the people of my tribe, the conservative Christians, may disagree about the genders, can we not at the same time celebrate the fact that there is something really godly and beautiful that a community of people are having to fight for the right to achieve.”

I am not yet comfortable with the church. I still feel anxious at the thought of attending Sunday service. But I one day hope to fall back in love with The Church and go from “It’s Complicated” to “In a Relationship.”

Bruxy Cavey: Confessions of a Christian Nation (LGBTQ Discrimination)