F resh from the lab, 0Pay-Sense Inc. (NASDAQ: PYSHN) has unveiled a brand new line of supplements to add to its hugely popular cadre of designer temporal pharmaceuticals. Just ahead of its IPO in January, the Swiss firm wowed investors attending the 3rd annual PharmaFaxx Convention held at the Jacob Javits Center this weekend, even giving members of the press complimentary samples of the capsules. While the general public will have to wait a few months until the Wait-Loss2 pills receive FDA approval, the initial reaction among industry analysts is overwhelmingly positive.
Clinical trials were astoundingly successful as well with users claiming never-before-seen results. “I had 2 midterms coming that I hadn’t prepped for, after taking Wait-Loss2, I woke up and aced both! This is gonna sell out the minute it goes on sale”, said Keith Herrera, 16, a junior at a prestigious Brooklyn High School. 450 Americans ranging in age from 16 to 70 participated in the trails which included a broad demographic of ethnicities, professions, and pronouns.
Martha Buxton, 42, a dermatologist with a private practice on the Upper East Side, said she tried them a year before her wedding. “I wanted all the glitz and bling of a celebrity wedding, ya know, like Megan Markle-like but, I was swamped with patients and my fiancee wasn’t much help.” Her fiancee was also given a dose (although much larger as the primary ingredient appears to metabolize faster in males). “After some Wait-Loss2 and a nap, I woke up refreshed and the first thing on E! was footage of my fantastic wedding. Turns out everything went without a hitch and I was able to avoid the stress headaches of wedding planning” Martha continues. “The band, the bouquet, exactly as I imagined as a girl, except it sorta, just happened!”
The formula was developed by world-renowned tinkerer, part-time marine biologist, and former Timex engineer Nigel Schmidt. Schmidt, 39, a Columbia grad who also holds several PHDs as well as honorary degrees from other prestigious Ivy League universities, developed the pills while still in school himself. “I had just turned in my final thesis and was seeking to make waves in the watch industry. Concerned potential employers would question my lack of practical experience, I tried a dab of what was then Wait-Loss1, next thing I knew, I was the chief horology engineer at one of Switzerland’s premier watch companies.”
That’s when Schmidt knew he had to share this wonder-product with the world. Countless hours were spent refining the formula, from reducing nagging side effects, even perfecting the signature flavors (5 in all). “‘ Swiss Hot Cocoa’ is my favorite, it reminds me much of home.” Schmidt was well aware he had a potential goldmine in his hands. “Once my peers saw the personal progress I made, and how fast, the requests for samples started pouring in. Soon, even my inbox was flooded with investors looking to assist with everything from distribution to marketing.”
The proprietary blend of 11 herbs and 3 types of rare Ziet crystal (crushed of course) which are only grown in the Swiss Alps once a year, promises to ease the lives of millions of Americans once they hit pharmacies by mid-March. 0Pay-Sense Inc. has already signed an exclusivity deal with Duane Reade parent Walgreens (NASDAQ:WBA) to carry it’s designer meds at its stores nationwide. The chain is looking to bolster it’s offering of over-the-counter supplements to appeal to forward-thinking millennials looking for quick-fix remedies to an age-old ailment.
“This product is superb, I can see this swiftly becoming the new wave, even for those in gen Z”, said Lana Perry, 54, VP of Walgreens temporal meds & soon-snacks division. “I take one at the start of every shift, especially when I have to turn over pages and pages of financial reports to the upper management. Wait-Loss2 never lets me down!” she explains with the enthusiasm of a teen on prom night. “Almost instantly my shift is over and my CFO is in my office gushing over the financials in my spreadsheets, all perfectly balanced complete with charts, graphs, and annotations.”
“This product is superb…the new wave”
The Swiss company has even secured celebrity endorsements from actors, musicians, and athletes. Jalen Jenkins, 22, a professional basketball player for the New York club over at MSG, was also included in the preliminary human trials. “Tried it in college, coach had benched me 2 games, said my play was slippin’, wasn’t getting the sleep I needed, too much partying, not enough practice, you know tha life.” Jenkins played forward for St. John’s University after being heavily recruited by several division-1 schools. “Took it before bed after a 20 point loss, I was bummed, woke up and we had won 2 NCAA tournaments with me as MVP! Wait-Loss2 is legit bruh, don’t know how else to put it.”
No word yet on pricing but, analysts are predicting it’ll carry a hefty price tag. With nothing else like it on the market, they could practically name their own price. Schmidt holds several patents for the formula, and competitor brands’ offerings lack Wait-Loss2’s potency. Rival firm VinQunYa (NYSE: VIN) is developing its own line of similar supplements codenamed “CsKPStpz-3” but, early trials are showing limited success with users complaining of headaches, sores under their tongues, and premature aging. Be on the lookout as this revolutionary new product seeks to corner the efficiency-boosting market!
To find out more about this revolutionary product, please visit the Wait-Loss2 site.
[This editorial is not a sponsored endorsement.]
