The Armenian Iced Coffee Review you didn’t Know you Needed
By: Jeppe Strands and Anna Kildetoft, May 2019
Dear reader
Throughout this article, you will be led gracefully through our journey and experiences with factory-produced Armenian ice coffees found in the grocery store in Tsovgyugh, Armenia. Long story short: this is the ultimate review of Armenian iced coffees and therefore contains all knowledge you’ll ever need to know.
1. Tasty-Cafe
Despite its surprising marketing trick of calling it a Cafe, we still chose to test this first since they literally promise its tasty.
Anna takes the first sip.
Anna: “For fuck sake”
Jeppe: Tastes like the back of a wet closet
Anna: Yeah, a hint of sour wood and ammonia. It has a tart/shrimpy feeling in the mouth.
Jeppe: It smells like that by-product of beer which Lithuanians make into soda. Imagine a liquid rye bread and how would smell.
Anna: It smells worse than it tastes — but still taste really bad.
Jeppe: The aspartame is definitely the main character in this flavour theatre.
Anna: If the main character is aspartame, the coffee flavour is the little person sitting reciting the lines when the main character forgets it.
Review
Design: To-be hipster design but it’s ruined by Russian influence. If Tarantino had a Russian cousin who lived in an attic he would’ve made this design. Definitely some similarities between the Soviet Union and the red design (spoilers: a reoccurring theme in this review)
Flavour: Undescribable sour wood and aspartame. The coffee flavour is the teleprompter.
Experience: When you sip it tastes like the smell when you walk into your grandma’s bedroom — we do not regret it.
1 out of 6 stars
2. Rio Grande
As we de-lid the second coffee we realise it says “instant coffee 3 in 1”. We hope we won’t get dehydrated because we’re not diluting this coffee — we have more respect for Armenian iced coffee than that.
We also found out that this was the first iced coffee in Armenia! Their website was last updated 9 years ago — should we trust it?
Again, Anna takes the first sip.
Anna: It has milk! instantly takes a selfie with it:
Anna: Better but tastes a bit like chlorine.
Jeppe: Tastes like less. The only thing I can taste is something black which was dried many years ago and have slowly accumulated the moisture from the conditioned air in the smoke-filled Armenian supermarket.
Anna: just tastes like moist.
Review
Design: confusing Brazilian colours but Chinese-styled letters and “why 3 in 1”? let us know, please. They used more than 4 fonts — definitely modernistic.
Flavour: Taste like the void if the void had a little bit of chlorine and moist in it.
Experience: semi-bad towards slightly positive experience (purely because of the use of milk — if you can call it that). It has a nice design in the bottom of the cup so it stays more secure and fixed — unlike our non-existing addiction to this drink.
2 out of 6 stars (spoilers: might be the best coffee we tried today)
3. My Coffee
As the cheap plastic cup reaches our hand, we notice a strong under pressure — we hope it will do something to the taste (maybe add some real milk?)
Anna: Fits well in your hand. I like it
Jeppe: Brown, yellow and white should always go together.
Anna: It looks very similar to “Tasty Coffee”
Anna: I think this one actually is only ammonia
Anna takes a sip and sits for a bit for herself in silence.
We will sadly stop the review of this coffee. We refer to our review of “Tasty-Cafe”.
4. Duet Ice
We don’t know what side of the cup is front and which one is back. It just has ingredient lists on both sides?
Jeppe: I hope it tastes as good as Sound of Music.
Anna: second Sound of Music reference today -really strong game Jeppe. (referring to Jeppe telling German tourists about Georgian flower fields)
Anna: opens it
Anna: sighs
Anna: Not again…
Anna refuses to taste it.
Jeppe: I have a theory. Tasty Coffee, My Coffee, and Duet Ice are basically the same coffee except that Tasty Coffee was stored in the outdoor storage unit which your grandmother uses for deckchair cushions but haven’t opened in 15 years. My Coffee, on the other hand, was put on a field sprayed with fertilizers. Duet Ice just has a bit more water in it.
Anna: Hold kæft hvor er det sørgeligt (shut up this is tragic)
Review
Design: Inviting and friendly design which attracts musicians because it has two semiquavers on it and a treble clef. Intelligent design. Nice marketing. They know their audience well.
Flavour: We’re getting used to it. Notes of a boiled silicone spatula.
Experience: Despite the taste, it was a playful and delightful experience. If we had to drink the whole thing, we would rather eat boiled buckwheat for breakfast for a whole year.
-1 out of 6 stars
5. Communist
Yes — we were surprised too. It’s literally called “communist”. No wonder the red and black design.
Anna went to pee (but we all know she went to puke)
Jeppe: I just checked the expiration date. The discovery is as delightful as how our bodies feel right now. Expiration date: 2nd of June 2013.
Jeppe: We have to drink it
Anna: Fantastic
Jeppe: Horrible that the cup is black inside
Anna: I’m scared
Jeppe: it tastes like when you’re trying to burn an egg white.
Review
Design: it speak for itself. When I see it I just hear “Når jeg ser et rødt flag smælde” (when I see a red flag snap) in my head. It’s a Danish song about socialism. The amount of confidence you need to just call a coffee “communist” is immense.
Flavour: You got the point
Experience: Shared equally
3 out of 6 stars for confidence
-1 out of 6 stars overall
6. Grand Candy Iced Coffee
Starbucks ripoff. We’re wondering if we’ll feel like the guy carrying 100 grapes with his neck at the end of this one.
Anna: I hope it's with milk
Anna: Expiration date not confirmed
Anna: Smells like shit, but smells a little bit more like coffee than the others.
Anna: *tastes it* Honestly, the best. Clearly, the best
For the first time, Anna has taken two sips of an iced coffee
Anna: Smells like wet. Smells like wet dog.
Anna took a third sip and instantly regretted it
Anna: I still get chills and realize how horrible it is.
Jeppe: The reason I can drink this is that it just tastes like less. Just less.
Anna starts singing a song from Disney. The “coffee” has clearly gone to her brain.
She starts beatboxing over the same song.
Suddenly it feels like there’s a lot less oxygen in the car.
Anna: Do you want some more?
Review
Design: Surprisingly good Starbucks ripoff. Weird tiki theme in the background. Nice size, could be smaller. We would be fine if it was so small it couldn’t contain coffee.
Flavour: Definitely the best — still shit.
Experience: pleasant/extraterrestrial
2,5 out of 6 stars
Conclusion
Don’t.
