Dealing with Imposter Syndrome

This year I have decided to say yes to any and all public speaking opportunities. So when I came across one to be a guest speaker at our Ownership and Renewals Tribe day I said YES. I delivered a talk on the big bad wolf known as the Imposter Syndrome.

I had such a brilliant response from everyone present that I thought I should share it here as well.

Close your eyes. I know an odd thing to ask while you are trying to read this.

Let me start over.

Imagine. Imagine you are sitting in a meeting (workshop/brainstorming session or something even social) and you come up with a brilliant idea. Just when you are about to say it out loud a teeny tiny voice inside of your head whispers, ‘are you sure you want to do that?’

[I saw everyone present in the audience smile at this point- eyes closed and smiling. Promise it wasn’t as creepy as it sounds.]

If you entertain that thought for even a fraction of a second that voice becomes louder and more forceful.

‘ Are you quite sure?? Remember the last time? Just remember how silly you felt afterward.’

More often than not you would decide against saying anything. Fast forward 5–10 minutes and there is someone in that group who says something that sounds awfully similar to what you had in mind. Aaannd... You end up feeling silly anyway.

You would be surprised (or maybe not) to find out that everyone in the audience raised their hands when asked if the situation sounded familiar.

This feeling where you think you are a fraud or that all that you have achieved is through sheer good luck which would eventually run out, and people will ‘find you’, that you are just not good enough no matter what you achieve. That nagging, anxiety-inducing feeling is known as the imposter syndrome.

So what causes it?

The following four things:

• Personality traits such as perfectionism
• Previous experiences. Maybe one of your ideas was shot down by someone or your hard work was brutally criticised. I was told by my high school English teacher that I wouldn’t be able to pass my English GCSE exam. Even though I know my English language skills are at an acceptable level, there are times when I start doubting myself because of my past experience.
• New situations. I learn a new concept, product, or service and then I meet someone who talks about something that’s absolute gibberish to me.
• Family background. If you could see me right now you would notice a smile on my face. Why? Because this hits too close to home.

I belong to the South Asian community. We are a lovely bunch. We are very hospitable, love our food, and love to force-feed anyone and everyone that crosses our path. However, as parents, we are very competitive. Insanely intense. I say that with love and respect.

A couple of years ago I sat down to reflect upon why I was like that. Someone who couldn’t simply sit still. Someone who had a strong urge to be achieving big things all year round. I felt that at a time when I thought I wasn’t being ‘productive’ even though I had my hands full raising a premmie (premature baby) on home oxygen. I traced that need to my teenage years. Especially GCSEs. I still have the need to gain my parents praise and approval. I am married and have a child of my own but I still live in constant fear of disappointing my parents. These feelings can extend to authority figures such as mentors, line managers, and teachers as well.

Don’t get me wrong. Those feelings have motivated me to do and achieve all I have done so far but it can be overwhelming at times.

….but why do we need to talk about it?

It’s all good and well to know what Imposter Syndrome is and what causes it but why do we need to talk about it?

Well for starters, it can be exhausting and draining to project a strong image all the time. It’s important to identify and acknowledge how you feel beneath all that.

Unless you do that we can’t start the conversation. Once you start talking about it you will find out that you are not alone. Our colleagues, family members, and people we look up to also battle with these feelings or have felt it at some point in their lives. There is no point in suffering in isolation. I find it very helpful to talk through these feelings because we work in an industry that has, historically, been male-dominated. Being one of the only female engineers on a Squad, and a newbie, can kick these feelings up a notch. Knowing that my colleagues who seem to know everything and are thriving in their roles also feel the same can help regulate these emotions.

Secondly, and in my opinion, most importantly, you will not get that seat at the table or that big promotion if you keep underestimating and undermining yourself. My dear friend, if you don’t feel you deserve it no one will feel that either.

It’s not all doom and gloom.

You CAN tackle this beast. It won’t happen overnight but all you need to do is to take that first step.

• Journal. Write down your past achievements. Reflect upon them. You will be surprised to find out how far you have come.
• Read other people’s experiences and how they have dealt with Imposter Syndrome. I find reading autobiographies/memoirs very helpful. Listening to podcasts/talks also helps. Actually, watch Tall Girl 2. Please don’t judge my taste in movies based on this though.
• Surround yourself with people who give positive vibes, motivate you, and inspire you.
• Most importantly: be kind towards yourself. Celebrate your achievements. You deserve it!