The past month, I’ve been slowly rewatching the Harry Potter series. Inspired by the burst of Harry Potter related Tiktoks (and most certainly not JK Rowling's horribleness), I thought it would be fitting to usher in the fall weather with my beloved childhood movies.
What I hoped would be a fun walk through memory lane quickly turned into a bittersweet realization about why I felt such an affinity for this series and Hogwarts. As I watched through my adult eyes, I couldn’t help but feel for the younger girl who saw Hogwarts as a sanctuary.
My household was a volatile place growing up. My parents were brutal to each other, a week rarely went by without a massive blow up and daily arguments turned fights. There was a constant barrage of insults and occasionally flying plates and punches.
Holidays were no better, we would go home to an extended family where the toxicity was just as present. There were few places I felt safe: school and diving into a good book series. Enter the fantastical world of Harry Potter, immersive on so many levels I could escape the daily tribulations of my home life. And then the movies brought my escapist series to life, allowing me more comfort.
Without even fully realizing it, the wizarding world became a place of solace.
As I was rewatching the movies, I couldn’t help but feel pity and sadness for my younger self. Old feelings reemerged, dark and troubling realities I surely felt when I was younger — even if I couldn't properly acknowledge or address those emotions at the time.
Rewatching the movies, I remembered the parts of Hogwarts I admired and longed for the most.
I longed for the Yule Ball. Not because of the beautiful attire and decorations but because the Yule Ball fell on Christmas Eve. If I was a student at Hogwarts, I would have been able to completely avoid the holidays with my family. I would have felt comfort and joy on Christmas Eve, instead of debilitating anxiety.
I longed for the comfort of Hagrid, Dumbledore, and McGonagall. Hagrid was genuine and vulnerable with the trio. Dumbledore was selfless and owned up to his mistakes. McGonagall was protective. All things my parents weren’t. Harry had the support system I wished I had. Harry felt loved.
I longed for the scholarship at Hogwarts. I had always used academics as an escape from my home life, Hogwarts was a full-time school. It was immersive and far more interesting/applicable than the American school system. If I already did such a good job of using school for my mental health, I could only imagine how a Hogwarts education would increase my ability to cope with life.
As an adult and after many years of therapy, I’m glad I was able to rewatch these films with greater clarity. The place in my heart reserved for my wizarding love has grown. Although it’s painful to acknowledge so many of my childhood needs went unmet, it’s a beautiful thing to grieve and heal.
Harry Potter provided me with an escape I desperately needed, it will forever remain treasured. And after rewatching the films, I understand myself and my love for the franchise more. The series served a very important purpose, even if I was unaware at the time. Harry Potter provided me an outlet, a source of happiness when my life seemed to be constantly imploding.
Hogwarts will always be my home, even if only in my heart.
