Didn’t Catch The Oscars Last Night? Here Is What You Missed:
I transcribed the 2016 Oscars — or the Academy Awards, if you prefer that title — for those who missed the program or simply want to relive it. Overall, the show was solid. It did feel bloated at some parts, but I enjoyed the production this year.
Anyway…
OSCARS 2016
7:30 — The program begins with a little montage of movies from 2015. It’s a feel good mix of comedy and action. Whoa, Jurassic World! Marvel movies! So, they are not sticking to just Oscar flicks.
7:33 — With the end of the montage, there is a BIG applause for Chris Rock. And right off the bat: “I counted 15 blacks in that montage.” Yes, Chris, keep it coming. “I’m here at the Academy Awards, otherwise known as the white people’s choice awards!” and “If they nominated hosts, I wouldn’t get this job.” Rock points out there being no black nominees has happened before: in the 1950s and 1960s. Black people didn’t protest then, Rock notes. “Why? We had real things to protest. Too busy being raped and lynched to care about best cinematographer.” Rock notes that some went mad: Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, Al Sharpton, Spike Lee. “Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties — I wasn’t invited,” Chris Rock with the joke of the night. The race jokes continue: in the memoriam package “it is just going to be black guys shot by the cops on the way to movies”, Hollywood is sorority racist — “We like you Rhonda, but you’re not Kappa” and notes Paul Giamatti’s range: whipping Lupita (12 Years A Slave) to crying at Eazy E’s funeral (Straight Outta Compton). Well done, Chris.
7:44 — Up first, the screenwriting awards! The intro for each movie is cool — narrator reading a part of the script including stage direction — but it is taking FOREVER. Spotlight wins for original screenplay.
7:49 — Now it is time for best adapted screenplay. Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling, who present the award, are funny, fighting over the meaning of “adapted”. The Big Short wins. Both screenwriter awards are deserved, in my book.
7:58 — I love these cinematic camera movements from ABC: the camera moves from the pit to the stage and the overhead shots. Funny Whoopi segment: yelling at Jennifer Lawrence to talk about mops (Joy), the bear attack from The Revenant is parodied with actress Leslie Jones (fromSaturday Night Live) attacking Leonardo DiCaprio, “There are no black actresses in the movie!”, Tracy Morgan is the danish girl, and Chris Rock is left in space (The Martian).
8:01 — Sarah Silverman! Doesn’t sound excited to be talking about the song from James Bond. Wow, a sex joke from Sarah Silverman?!? *sarcasm* This introduction is a snooze. She goes on talking about how James Bond is bad at sex. *yawn*. She introduces Sam Smith to sing his nominated Spectresong.
8:03 — Sam Smith performs and sounds a bit whiny. Not the best performance. Finds his groove a minute or two in, but his high notes sound off. Then again, I’m not a music expert, but I know what sounds bad. It’s this.
8:06 — Kerry Washington and Henry Cavill with, the stupid, introducing two Best Picture nominees: The Martian + The Big Short. I don’t get why the program does this. We know which movies are nominated. We do not need to show a snippet. Thankfully, they are keeping them short.
8:09 — JK Simmons presents for best supporting actresses! My Simmons takeaway: what a great radio voice. This acting category is stacked. Alicia Vikander wins! Well deserved. I am loving the little ticker on the bottom with all people the winner wants to thank.
8:18 — Coming back from commercial, “Hi, we’re black.” Chris Rock wins the night with that joke. WINS. Cate Blanchett talks about costume design. I like all the costumes on stage with her. Mad Max wins for costume! Jenny Beavan (the winner) really out dressed everyone with a leather jacket, red scarf and dress pants.
8:22 — Tiny Fey and Steve Carrell presenting for production design. Mad Maxwins, again. One of the Australian designers who won, “Chalk this win up for diversity.”
8:25 — Margot Robbie and Jared Leto present make up and hairstyling. Leto makes a merkin joke… and then explains the joke. Yeesh. Mad Max wins, again. Here comes the Mad Max domination. One winner cuts off another while in the middle of his thanks. I guess there are no shoutouts to his family!
8:28 — Benicio Del Toro and Jennifer Garner to explain more movies. Yay! *more sarcasm*. The Revenant + Mad Max are highlighted. This program keep highlighting the movies we already know are nominated. Thanks, Academy!
8:35 — Rachel McAdams and “should’ve been nominated” (Chris Rock killing it with the subtle jokes) Michael B Jordan for cinematography. The Revenantwins and is very deserving, knowing it was shot in all natural light. He thanks the Beatles.
8:38 — Liev Schreiber and Priyanka Chopra present for editing. Mad Max, again. They are crushing it! Dominating the technical categories.
8:41 — In honor of black history month, Chris Rock introduces a video package! Angela Bassett narrates “Black History Month Minute”, which honors… Jack Black.
8:47 — Whoa, this pan from the ceiling to the presenters is giving me a headache. Chadwick Boseman and Chris Evans present for sound editing. Love the montage of all the sounds from the nominees. Mad Max wins again! Two excited sound guys win: “For the Aussies!!”
8:50 — The same two presenters again for sound mixing. Mad Max? Mad Max. These winners are more subdued, but still thank Australians.
8:54 — Now, a quick Andy Serkis montage featuring lots of motion capture. Serkis is presenting for visual effects, which is fitting. Whoa, he is the first to take a stab at Trump, “We can play monsters or Trump” and hints that is playing the same thing. Ex-Machina wins!!! The first upset. I really enjoyed the flick. Recommend!
8:58 — Jason Segel and Olivia Munn now talk. Segel makes joke about Oscar run time. They talk about hosting The Science and Technology Academy Awards. Munn, who has funny comedic range, makes joke about robots taking over the world… on August 27th.
8:59 — CP30, R2D2, BB8 makes an appearance!!! R2 with the CP30 joke about looking like Oscar statues. Points out John Williams, nominated 50 times. Cutaway to Star Wars crawl of “more to come”. I don’t think that bit was needed.
9:05 — Rock asks us if we are enjoying the show, a few applause. Brings out girl scouts so the audience can buy cookies. Kate Winslet is a buyer! Chris Rock, “Leo, you made 30 million, c’mon!” He wants to beat rival mom Linda Dunn. The minions present for best animated short. Wow, a bunch of movies I do not know. Bear Story wins! Yay?
9:10 — Buzz and Woody celebrating Toy Story!! The childhood feels! This bit is not really funny, but still fun. They are presenting for animated feature.Inside Out wins! The winners are pushing us to make stuff, whether we feel happy or sad. Sounds good to me.
9:13 — Here comes Kevin Hart, who Chris Rock keeps picking on. He wants to applaud colored actors who were not nominated. Introduces the Weeknd, who is performing their song from 50 Shades of Grey.
9:15 — The Weeknd gothic set is really cool. His voice is good. I’m down for this.
9:21 — Kate Winslet and Reese Witherspoon introduce more Best Picture nominees Bridge of Spies + Spotlight.
9:24 — Rock wants a fresh perspective. He goes to a movie theater in Compton. Does some Q & A with some movie goers! Rock asks if anyone has seen Bridge of Spies, “You’re making up these movies,” a lady says. The skit goes from funny to serious: a pitch for more black nominees!
9:28 — Here’s Patrica Arquette presenting best supporting actor. And the winner is… Mark Rylance! Slight upset. Sorry, Sly. I’m OK with this pick. Anything with Tom Hanks I am all for. (And, Rylance was really good inBridge of Spies).
9:37 — Louis CK is here presenting for documentary short. He notes this Oscar means everything since “you can’t make a dime on this [doc shorts].” He jokes: “And the Oscar goes to… Mad Max”. A Girl in the River wins.
9:41 — Daisy Ridley and Dev Patel present for documentary feature. Amywins! Great choice.
9:44 — Rock talks about how the votes are tallied. Three Asian kids walk out. “If you’re upset, tweet about it on the phone these kids also made.”
9:48 — Chris Rock brings the girl scout bit back. How much money did they raise? $65,000! TAKE THAT LINDA DUNN.
9:52 — The President of the Academy is here to talk about the future. She states that she wants to bring more diversity to the field. After her short speech, Louis Gossett Jr. is here to introduce Dave Grohl (who sings an acoustic version of “Blackbird”) for the in memoriam. I do like the music and sound clips from the actors/actresses who have passed away.
10:02 — Jacob Tremblay and Abraham Attah present for live action short. Chris Rock to the rescue in giving them a height boost. “Thanks Chris. I liked you in Madagascar,” Tremblay says. This kid is funny! Stutterer wins. Anyone see it?
10:06 — Sofia Vegera and Byung-hun Lee present for best foreign picture.Son of Saul wins. Anything World War 2 related and you have yourself a winner.
10:09 — JOE BIDEN! He gets a standing O. He sounds a tad happy about too many people being sexually abused. “We must change the culture,” Biden with a strong, important message. He introduces Lady Gaga who performs her song from The Hurting Ground. She’s awesome live. Whoa, the camera with the quick cuts and zooms. Just focus on Gaga. Of course, Lady Gaga slays.
10:19 — Pharrell Williams (with blondish dyed hair!?) and Quincy Jones present for original score. Ennio Morricone wins for The Hateful Eight. Well earned and a deserved standing O.
10:25 — Common and John Legend are here to present best original song. Sam Smith & Jimmy Napes win for their Bond song. Blah.
10:28 — OLIVIA WILDE and Sacha Baron Cohen (as Ali G) present more best picture nominees: Room + Brooklyn. Ali G is not funny.
10:35 — JJ Abrams presents for directing. Alejandro González Iñárritu wins. No surprise. He has won two years in a row! Did not learn anything from last time: his speech is going way too long. The play off music stops.
10:43 — Chris Rock gives a shout out the music director. Eddie Redmayne presents for best actress. BRIE LARSON!!!!!!!!!!! She’s the best. Well deserved.
10:52 — Julianne Moore presents for Best Actor. Leo??? LEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s polite and gracious. He also makes a political statement about climate change. Good guy Leo.
10:58 — Morgan Freeman is here, the voice of God, presenting for best picture. Spotlight wins. A minor upset? I’m OK with this. Great film.
11:02 — Chris Rock says goodbye by saying “See ya at the BET Awards this summer.”
