The Weight Of What Matters
Live a life worthy of remembering with peace. Live it well.
So this post used to sit on a site called Posterous that no longer exists. I wrote it on a Thursday in November of 2011. November 3rd, 2011 at 10:23pm to be exact. Right after leaving the cab driver who shared a moment with me that will forever leave an ever nudging presence in my life. Some moments move you — they start as a whisper and almost can be overlooked but then a greater momentum urges you to pay attention and you walk away changed and with new perspective and an experience that leaves you stirred. This was such a moment and I’d like to share it because the meaning to that inkling of time was important because it carries something for everyone to understand.
Perhaps it will actually find a true home here on Medium which at least for now seems everlasting. I wanted to share this with you, whoever is reading this now, because the matter was important and sometimes what has happened should be in existence someplace. So here we go, beginning with a quote from Steve Jobs:
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma; which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Last night, my cab driver was crying uncontrollably. So much so that the sorrow he was feeling couldn’t be contained and that rare nagging feeling occurred that he could probably use a friend, even if the gesture of friendship came from a stranger. He began by explaining how he can’t understand. How his life had been happy and perfect and now nothing makes sense.
He had lost his daughter a day ago, at the age of 35. She left this life, whilst in Yosemite, preparing the trail for her students that day, a harness wasn’t latched properly and she fell 30 feet.
It was painful to watch this man stay focused on how horrible her fall must have been and so I asked about her life. This man began hesitantly and then recounted her life in the many infinite ways in which he remembers every smile, every achievement, every dream, how many lives loved her, and how many opportunities and travels she had experienced. By the end of our conversation, where I mostly listened, he was left with a small amount of peace and comfort that he and the people who loved her had tried all they could to support her journey through life in positive, happy, fulfilling ways if it were ever in their hands to do so. At the end of his stories, he smiled and said you know what, she lived a life that few 50-year-olds can even say they had and she passed away doing something she absolutely loved.
There was still pain, but in place of worry and agony, he found some peace in remembering the full and amazing life she had gotten to live. It is my hope that the pain and emptiness that will undoubtedly continue to plague him will continue to be comforted somewhat by memories of the love, peace, and happiness she had known.
My heart was filled with deep sadness for this man as we parted and I realized, we all meet and in some ways are at the right place, at the right time, whether we are aware of it or not in this life. Perhaps I was meant to hail his cab so I can remind him that he had been a wonderful father and that she had lived a life to celebrate and cherish, one where he cannot remember a single struggle or disappointment too horrible.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. — Henri J. M. Nouwen
I believe, beyond any doubt, that sometimes the Universe wants to share something with you. Perhaps we’ve lost our way; perhaps we’ve been holding on to some hurt or regret; perhaps we were just merely existing and not really ever stopping to question what we do — and not just as a year or in a day, but in every moment — is mattering to ourselves and even to others. Life can provide us with so many distractions, opportunities, pressures, challenges, and obligations that we so often just drift, stumble, and make our way through without any real purpose or meaning.
We can only ask and act in life. We cannot control how others will behave, think or act, we can only choose how we will and ask others to possibly be considerate of our feelings. Even then, we can only hope that we had acted in a way that was mindful and considerate of others in the best way we could and that our request for kindness is granted with respect. In meeting this cab driver at a point when my mind was having trouble understanding and asking the question why in an endless loop of soul searching, I think I’ve found some answers and purpose or at least an understanding I may have forgotten along the way to wandering.
Amongst the most impossible things in this life to endure, having to bury your child has to be the most unfathomable cruelty to the soul. Even knowing that you did your best and your child had the most incredible life is likely still to not bring enough comfort to the pain, but hopefully, it helps with quieting despair a bit. This could be said of any relative and friend as well. Beyond the many levels of intimacy and meaning, we are all connected and we worry, even just in meeting someone once if they are struggling, be it the person ahead of us who falls and hurts themselves or a friend who lost a job. It is human to care for others and in caring, we worry when the people in our lives are upset or struggling.
Lately, I have been met with kindness, support, and love from every corner of my life. I have never before felt as much love in my life as I do now, from everything and everyone in my sphere of existence, even the air. And I hope, to never cause unnecessary worry or pain to others or to myself or at least to try. This starts with being mindful and valuing myself fiercely and the same goes for you as well.
Mindfulness is something I’ve begun to practice every day. More recently, I’ve been weighing, balancing, and realizing what truly matters in this web we call life to myself so that I may then interact in a way that is truthful to myself and considerate of others. Empathy and finding reciprocal support without expectation or any favorable outcomes; and discovering the unconditional love, decency, and kindness shared in a world so complicatedly interwoven are priceless. It is in times like this that we realize how we are all intricately and truly connected to everything else in the world. We are all soul friends and soul mates.
At the end of sharing the grief of his loss with me, this man stopped in a moment of altruistic clarity, with some newfound peace in his heart. He realized that he cannot change what has or will happen and that life doesn’t always have the answer to why but that we can all begin with how. How will we continue, how shall we live? This amazing soul, stopped in his time of need, just before we parted to ask me to live a full life and wish me luck in my journey. ”May it be wonderful.”
What matters? I am on a journey to take care of my soul and self first and always. I hope you are too, because you matter most in this world, no matter what anyone says, YOU matter. And it would be kinder and more considerate to the people who love you in this life if they can look back on your life and find peace instead of sadness, despair, and anger. In partnership with hurt may there also be peace and happiness in remembering that you lived well.
I feel the love everywhere lately. It is alive and well. Recently the pure kindness I have experienced and come to know from loved ones, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers has been incredible, reminding me that we are all connected and supported, life is what matters. I’ve come to know friends in strangers and unconditional love from the people in my life who have shared what the genuine meaning of friendship means with me. And I in return, have put thought into what matters and want to live a life that doesn’t make them worry for me and that is also respectful and true to me, my dreams, and my choices. Someday it will be my turn to also leave this life and I hope that the people who love me and even hate me, can find peace instead of regret or sadness. And that my friends, I think, is the weight of what matters.
Please start living your life for yourself because that will bring you peace and only then can you be considerate of the memories and hearts of the people who love you and provide them with peace and love as well. It’s good to do this every day….
In the words of someone who has changed how so many of us live and left us with peace and awe of his life despite tragedy:
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: ‘If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.’ It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything; all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. - Steve Jobs
If you haven’t read the commencement speech Steve Jobs wrote for Stanford in 2011: I highly recommend it.
And I urge you. Live a life worthy of remembering with peace. Live it well. These words are dedicated to everyone in my life. You matter. Thank you for letting me matter to you as well.
An Afterthought: To be honest, even just formatting this post to share, has been soul-quenching and a good reminder to get back to basics. I’ve been a bit lost and only recently remembered this post to maybe share on Medium in place of my writer’s block. I’ll share more on that in a post I’ve been having trouble writing, about the loss of my dog. Funny, maybe that’s the riddle of life. We keep losing our way, experiencing things tragic and happy and we come away with meaning and reinvent what matters each time a bit different than we were but perhaps and hopefully a bit stronger and wiser.
