Dear Cletus the Fetus,
Letters to My Unborn Nephew
While knocked-up, my sister didn’t want to know the sex of her baby, so she told us all to call it Cletus the Fetus. It is for this reason I addressed the below letters as such.
February 6, 2013
Dear Cletus,
How is it in there? How are you? I miss you. I know you miss me, no need to say it.
So when are we going to hang out? I know you’re super busy being built and stuff, but I’m excited. What should we do first? How about we go to a fast food place, and you can start crying and I can be like, “This employee hit my baby!” and then we can eat all the free fries we want, and we’ll laugh and laugh!
OR, we can go jogging in the park and I’ll wear a really slutty outfit, and then when that cute guy passes and tells me how great I look for having just had a baby, I’ll say, “Yeah, thanks. But I’m a single mom… and it’s so lonely…” and then he can write his number on your bald baby head, because I don’t like the way ink looks on my hand and you’re a team player.
We’re definitely going somewhere with a ball pit, we’re definitely going to run and find a muddy park the first chance we get if it’s raining and I can teach you how to go mud sliding - and, we’re definitely eating mostly candy, which we will eat in our secret fort, which I will teach you how to build, and then pull out the supports, trapping you in a pile of blankets. Then, I’ll turn out the lights, and make terrifying noises until you cry. Because life is tough, Cletus, and I have a sick sense of humor.
See you soon,
Aunt Sarah aka The Cool Aunt
March 8, 2013
Hey Cletus, It’s me again. What’s up.
So, I found this spare car key I had stored in my jewelry box today. It’s for a car, that your Mom and I both drove. We called it Monty. It’s the first car either of us had, and probably the best we’ll ever have - even though it was big, and loud, and gas guzzling. You are what you drive, amirite!?
Seriously though, I’m saving this key, and I’m going to put it on a key chain when you get your driver’s license. If you’re a girl, you’ll think this is the cutest thing ever. If you’re a guy, you’ll think this is lame, but it’ll totally get you laid because of how ADORABLE it is. So, you’re welcome.
Also, if you could remind me that’d be great because that’s like 16 years from now, and I feel like I probably won’t be using the same google calendar.
Love,
Sarah
April 18, 2013
CLETUS.
Guess what I just ate. Guess! You can’t guess, because you can’t even speak English yet, so I’ll tell you:
PEANUT BUTTER AND BANANAS ON A CRACKER.
You’re going to be way into it. As soon as you get teeth, our snack time is gonna be so good, that all the other babies are going to think we’re throwin’ a party. SPEAKING of PARTIES, you’re about to do something that will affect your party plans FOREVER. Being born. And you know what’s cool? May birthdays. Because you totally won’t be one of those kids with a summer birthday. Oof, aren’t those kids sad? Let’s rub it in their faces by making cupcakes baked into ice cream cones.
Anyway Cletussaluffagus, I hope you’re enjoying it in there because they’re turning the heat off in your little bachelor pad pretty soon, and it’s a cold, cold world out here. Buuuuut it’s also really awesome and we’ll keep you warm. At least, I can promise that your mother will always make you bring a sweater. Plus, I’m going to buy you ugly sweaters every year and act oblivious to their ugliness and REALLY sad if you don’t wear them on special occasions. I’m kidding, let’s team up and do that to Grandpa K.
Oh, also - super soakers with food coloring and white t-shirts. The most epic tye-dye adventure ever? This whole “you being born” thing is going to be epic.
Love,
Aunt Sarah
Sullivan was born on April 21, 2013.
He arrived early - obviously, it was because of how excited these letters made him about being born.
