THEOCRACY HYPOCRISY
A Sin For Thee But Not For Me
Congressional Republicans want to turn Bible scriptures into laws. But they’re giving themselves a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card.
To please their evangelical supporters, Congressional Republicans have crafted a bill which turns Bible scriptures into Federal laws. But they’ve inserted fine print which excuses them from having to follow them. An example is the “False Idol” law, which makes it illegal to “make gods of metal and worship them.”¹ Mike Johnson, Speaker of the House of Representatives, tacked on an addendum which exempts members of Congress. That might seem surprising: Mike’s a God-fearing Christian.² But he’s also a “heavy metal”³ headbanger who bows down to Metallica and Black Sabbath.
It was inevitable that the Republicans would foist the Bible on Americans. According to Speaker Johnson, the nation’s founders intended that it follow the “biblical admonition on what a civil society is supposed to look like.” The concept of “separation of church and state” was meant “to protect the church from an encroaching state, not the other way around.”⁴
It was equally inevitable that the Republicans would exempt themselves from those laws. In the past, Congress has excused itself from having to follow ones which protect Americans from:
- Violations of their civil rights;
- Discrimination due to their age or disabilities;
- Occupational health and safety hazards;
- Retaliation for organizing a union, joining one, or engaging in collective bargaining; and
- Being fired if medical or family issues impacted their work, instead of giving them the latitude to manage the competing demands on their time.⁵
Congress was shamed into making itself subject to those laws by passing the Congressional Accountability Act of 1995.⁶
Nonetheless, congressmen still believe they needn’t be subject to the laws they pass. They use an old legal principle to justify it: Magni homines legibus parvōrum parēre non debent (big people don’t have to follow little people rules). They cited that principle when they exempted Congress from complying with the Freedom of Information Act.⁷ As a result, a congressman could claim to possess a photo of a colleague having sex with an underage goat, but the press couldn’t force him to prove it. Congress also excused itself from abiding by the Whistleblower Protection Act.⁸ Thus, the congressman would suffer no consequences if he ripped a staffer a new one for slipping the photo to the press. That’s even if it showed that the congressman held the goat’s head by the horns while his colleague buttered its buns.
Consequently, when the Republicans held a hearing to amend their Bible bill, they gave themselves oodles of absolutions.
Speaker Johnson was the first to propose an amendment. He asked that Congress be excused from following the Levitican law which forbids a person from having a foursome with a woman, her daughter, and her granddaughter.⁹ “This one’s for Matt Gaetz,” said Speaker Johnson. “Granted, he quit nailing seventeen-year-old girls¹⁰ when he got married. But neither his vows nor this law are gonna stop him if he gets a shot at fulfilling that fantasy.”
Next, Speaker Johnson proposed that Congress be exempted from the bill’s “bathroom ban.” It’s based on the Utah transgender bathroom law¹¹ which takes effect in July. The Utah law requires people to use bathrooms consistent with the reproductive organs they had at birth. The Republicans preferred to apply a Biblical rule: “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter”¹² a public men’s room.
“Ya gotta let me out of having to follow this one,” pleaded Mike. “I’m the Speaker of the House. Yet I recently interrupted my busy schedule to fly to New York just to support Trump at his trial.¹³ And I’ve made myself out to be an upstanding Christian. Yet I defended a serial vaj-grabber who cheated on his third wife by schtuping a porn star.
“After years of abasing myself for Trump, I knew something had to give. Sure enough, as I praised Trump before the TV cameras, my privy member shriveled up and rotted off in my pants. It’s not like I need it: I’ve always been a sitzpinkler. But if this law is enacted as is, I could be arrested for being in a public men’s room. Too many of us congressmen have been arrested in men’s rooms as it is.”¹⁴
The Republicans moved on to the bill’s next section: the Federal ban on masturbation. The Bible is clear on the subject. A person can celebrate Palm Sunday in church. But they can’t give themselves a “Palm Sunday” in the closet while watching power tool pegging¹⁵ on Pornhub. And the punishment is no mere slap on the wrist. According to the book of Matthew, “If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off.¹⁶ If thou useth two hands to summon the semen demon, learn to pick thy nose with thy toes.”
Congressman Jim Jordan made the argument for exempting Congress from the masturbation ban. “Just look at us,” said Jim. “The 118th Congress is on track to be the least productive one since the 72nd Congress of 1933.¹⁷ Since the year 2000, every session has enacted upwards of seventy laws during their first year. We’ve enacted only twenty.¹⁸
“There can be but one reason for our poor performance: we’ve spent too much time whackin’ our Krakens. Look around. Over there, Lauren Boebert is watching dirty-talk porn on the smartphone in her left hand, and “dialing her rotary phone”¹⁹ with her right.
And over here is James Comer, the chairman of the House Oversight Committee. He was supposed to come up with at least a half-assed excuse to impeach President Biden. But he’s gotten nowhere.²⁰ Why? Because the chairman spent the past sixteen months pounding his gavel.
“My record’s no better,” Jim admitted. “I’ve been in Congress since 2007. Yet I’ve introduced just thirty bills in all those years — and none of ’em became law!²¹ Not the one to restore Second Amendment rights to the residents of Washington D.C. — who, admittedly, had never lost them. Not the one to prevent the city from issuing same-sex marriage licenses. Nor the one which will help Republicans ban abortions by defining someone as being a “pre-born human being” when they “come into being” — whatever the Hell that means. What accounts for my miserable track record? The answer is staring me in the face like the one-eyed salami in my crotch. It’s because I’ve spent too much time jerkin’ my gherkin.
“The bottom line is this. We need to exempt Congress from the masturbation ban. Otherwise, we’ll be bored out of our minds. Out of desperation, we may resort to doing actual congressional stuff. Conducting hearings, listening to testimony, asking intelligent questions, crafting sensible laws, engaging in genuine debates, and voting on legislation which solves serious problems and materially improves Americans’ lives. So c’mon, let’s exempt ourselves from the masturbation ban. Then we can go back to diddling Miss Daisy and giving our Sean a Hannity.”²²
Interestingly, the Republicans didn’t exempt themselves from every section in their Bible bill. They kept the dress code requirement taken from Ezekiel: people “shall have linen breeches upon their loins [but] they shall not gird themselves with any thing that causeth sweat.”²³ That was fine with the congressmen: when they’re doing “The People’s Business,” they like to go commando.
The Republicans also left themselves subject to a Levitican item in their law: “Do not allow any of your children to be offered as a sacrifice to Molech.”²⁴ Granted, MAGA congressmen have gone to great lengths to kowtow to Trump. But nobody thought they’d go so far as to sacrifice a kid to him. Recently, however, the governor of South Dakota, who’s eager to be Trump’s running mate, tried to impress him by boasting about shooting a puppy.²⁵ After that, the Republicans decided they’d better draw the line somewhere.
Finally, the Republicans decided to abide by another Levitican law regarding menstruating women. It was based on God’s commandment that when “a woman has an issue of blood, she shall be unclean for seven days. Whosoever toucheth her shall [also] be unclean.”²⁶ The guys dearly wanted to be exempted from that one. “After all,” said Speaker Johnson, “ya can’t be a knight if you’ve never had blood on your sword.” That said, it gave them an excuse to steer clear of congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene for a week every month. As Speaker Johnson put it, “Marge is a bear to be around on the best of days. But when she ‘has an issue of blood,’ watch out. She’s liable to rip you a new one and make you issue some blood!”
[1]: Leviticus 19:4, Good News Translation, YouVersion, https://www.bible.com/bible/68/LEV.19.4.GNT
[2]: “Even the GOP is balking at Speaker Mike Johnson’s religiosity”, MSNBC, https://www.msnbc.com/opinion/msnbc-opinion/house-speaker-mike-johnson-republicans-religion-rcna140178
[3]: Heavy Metal Music, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavy_metal_music
[4]: “The Christian Nationalism of Speaker Mike Johnson”, Time, https://time.com/6329207/speaker-mike-johnson-christian-nationalism/
[5]: “Congress exempt from several federal laws”, Fox News, https://www.foxnews.com/us/congress-exempt-from-several-federal-laws
[6]: The Congressional Accountability Act of 1995, Office of Congressional Workplace Rights, https://www.ocwr.gov/the-congressional-accountability-act/
[7]: “Reminder that Congress is (increasingly) exempt from FOIA”, MuckRock, https://www.muckrock.com/news/archives/2018/oct/04/congress-foia-exemption/
[8]: “Four Key Workplace Laws That Don’t Apply to Congress”, The Atlantic, https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/01/four-key-workplace-laws-that-dont-apply-to-congress/456144/
[9]: Leviticus 18:17, King James Version Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Leviticus-Chapter-18/
[10]: “Republican Congressman Says Matt Gaetz Paid ‘Minors to Have Sex With Him’”, Los Angeles Magazine, https://lamag.com/news-and-politics/republican-congressman-exposes-matt-gaetz-for-paying-minors-to-have-sex-with-him
[11]: “Auditor Dougall films attack of trans bathroom bill in the john”, The Salt Lake Tribune, https://www.sltrib.com/news/politics/2024/05/13/are-you-bathroom-monitor-auditor/
[12]: Deuteronomy 23:1, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Deuteronomy-23-1/
[13]: “Speaker Mike Johnson echoes Trump’s ‘frustration’ with cases and believes threats to his gavel are behind him”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/speaker-mike-johnson-donald-trump-court-motion-to-oust-mtg-rcna152412
[14]: “Idaho senator pleads guilty after men’s room arrest”, Reuters, https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSN27206793/
[15]: “What Is Pegging? Complete Pegging Guide For Maximum Enjoyment”, Bad Girls Bible, https://badgirlsbible.com/what-is-pegging
[16]: Matthew 5:30, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Matthew-5-30/
[17]: “The Least Productive Congress Since The Great Depression”, HuffPost, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/congress-has-less-than-1-percent-success-in-making-laws-of-bills_n_664d4cf5e4b09c97de21c7db
[18]: “Capitol Hill stunner: 2023 led to fewest laws in decades”, Axios, https://www.axios.com/2023/12/19/118-congress-bills-least-unproductive-chart
[19]: “Dialing the rotary phone”, Sex-Lexis, https://www.sex-lexis.com/Sex-Dictionary/dialing+the+rotary+phone
[20]: “How the House GOP’s Biden impeachment effort fell apart”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2024/04/24/politics/house-gop-biden-impeachment-effort/index.html
[21]: Legislative tracker, United States Congress. Advanced Search parameters: Congress = 1973–2024; Legislation Types = H.R. [House bills; doesn’t include amendments and resolutions]; Sponsors/Cosponsors = Jordan, Jim. Congress.gov, https://www.congress.gov/advanced-search/legislation
[22]: “Sean Hannity Mercilessly Mocked For World’s Most Selective Outrage”, HuffPost via Yahoo, https://www.yahoo.com/news/sean-hannity-mercilessly-mocked-worlds-044823757.html
[23]: Ezekiel 44:18, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Ezekiel-44-18/
[24]: Leviticus 18:21, New Living Translation, YouVersion, https://www.bible.com/bible/116/LEV.18.21.NLT#
[25]: “Trump VP contender Kristi Noem writes of killing dog — and goat — in new book”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/books/2024/apr/26/trump-kristi-noem-shot-dog-and-goat-book
