BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.
I Know Who’s Flying The Drones Over New Jersey
The Republicans are right: there’s a conspiracy. But they’ve got the wrong conspirators.
My name is Piper La Grange. I’m a twelve-year-old female Border Terrier. I’m here to warn you that the drones flying over New Jersey pose a grave threat to America. Yes, Republicans beat me to it. They say the drones are part of a conspiracy. But they’re blaming the wrong conspirators. Fortunately for you, we terriers know who they are. We’ve chased them for years. And we’re here to tell you: even if you’re worried about the drones, you’re not worried enough.
For the benefit of those who haven’t heard, drone formations have been flying in the night sky over New Jersey since November. “I looked out my window at 2 a.m.,” said a Morris County resident, “and there they were. When the sun rose this morning, they went back in the direction they came from. But they’ll be back when the sun goes down tonight. I’m completely unnerved. I couldn’t sleep at all last night.”¹
The government says there’s nothing to worry about. “There is no danger to the public,”¹ said Morris County Sheriff James Gannon. “There’s no evidence of suspicious activity,”² declared New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy. And according the U. S. Department of Homeland Security and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, there’s “no evidence that the drones pose a national security threat.”³
Luckily for Americans, Republican politicians smelled a cover-up.
- New Jersey State Representative Jon Bramnick: “The government doesn’t want us to know what those drones are doing.”⁴
- Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene: ”It’s total bullshit that no one knows what they are.”⁵
- President-elect Donald Trump: “The government knows what is happening. They won’t comment. They want to keep people in suspense.”⁶
The Republicans are right: the drones are part of a nefarious conspiracy. They think these are the conspirators.
The National Weather Service. Last October, Congresswoman Greene claimed the U.S. government can control the weather.⁷ Now she asserts the NWS uses drones to disperse weather-controlling “chemtrails.”⁸ As proof, Greene posted a photo of a drone with a chemtrail, accompanied by the gleeful caption “I told yall [sic].”⁹
In fact, the photo was of an American Airlines flight over Atlantic City which had accidentally emptied its lavatories.
The Iranians. New Jersey Congressman Jeff Van Drew contends that “Iran launched a mothership that contains drones. That mothership is off the East Coast of the United States.”¹⁰ Congressman Van Drew is correct: a mothership is off the coast. But it doesn’t carry drones. That said, it has female passengers who will become mothers.
The Galactic Empire.¹¹ Pennsylvania state senator Doug Mastriano tweeted a photo of one of the drones. He claimed it had been pulled from the sea off New Jersey, and was being “taken to an undisclosed location for further investigation.”¹²
Upon “further investigation,” it wasn’t a drone. It was a TIE fighter¹³ belonging to the Galactic Empire, whose battles with the Rebel Alliance were chronicled in the Star Wars movies. According to a spokesman for the Empire, “the fighter was just snooping around to see if the Alliance had bases on Earth.” Anonymous sources, however, said the pilot had stopped off at the Hard Rock Casino in Atlantic City to do a little gambling. Alas, he’d parked his fighter in a Handicapped Zone. The flatbed in the photo belonged to a towing service. And the “undisclosed location” to which it was taken was the Atlantic City Police Impound.
These conspiracy theories are plausible. But they’re wrong. How do we Border Terriers know that? Because we photographed a drone as it landed at its secret base after an overnight mission. And we got a close-up of the pilot.
“What’s that,” you exclaim, “squirrels are flying the drones? They’re behind this conspiracy?” Of course they are. Wake up, humans: squirrels are behind the most diabolical plots of the 21st century.
The New World Order
The NWO is a totalitarian government which will be established by a cabal of elites to rule the world.¹⁴ They include:
- Wall Street financiers;
- Big tech buccaneers;
- The Council on Foreign Relations;
- The Council of Elrond;
- The Bilderburg Group;
- The Borg Collective;
- The International Monetary Fund;
- The International House of Pancakes;
- The Illuminati;
- The Paparazzi;
- The Freemasons; and
- Freddy and Jason.
When it comes to the NWO, the elites will be pulling the strings. But who’s pulling the elites’ strings? A satanic syndicate of squirrels!
Black Helicopters
The New World Order has a fleet of unmarked black helicopters.¹⁵ During the week before it seizes power, the Order will use them to deploy United Nations troops to strategic locations throughout the United States. After the Order carries out its coup d’état, its military commanders will use the helicopters to impose martial law.¹⁶ In the meantime, the Order uses the helicopters to surveil Americans who may oppose its rule.¹⁷
Many right-wingers have seen black helicopters. But we Border Terriers are the only ones who have a photo of one.
FEMA Concentration Camps
During the military occupation, black helicopters will be used to abduct Americans who resist the New World Order¹⁷ and transport them to concentration camps operated by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).¹⁸ We have a photograph of one such camp — and who’s guarding it.
Back to the drones over New Jersey. I’ve shown you proof that squirrels are flying them. As for why, that’s simple. The squirrels use drones to plunder bird feeders in peoples’ backyards. They steal the black oil sunflower seeds,¹⁹ then sell ’em on the Black Market to fund their clandestine operations.
Over the past fifty years, squirrels have used “seed” money to:
- Fund campaigns of rodent-friendly candidates;
- Co-opt grassroots movements, religious institutions, labor unions, business associations, and special interest groups to support them;
- Manipulate the press to give them favorable treatment and attack their opponents; and
- Rig elections to put them in power.
In short, they’re embedding a Squirrelly Deep State in the U. S. Government.
I know this is hard for you humans to believe. You think squirrels are cute little critters who bury acorns in your yards. Wake up people: squirrels have also put a lot of nuts in Congress!
[1]: “FBI investigates mysterious drones filling night sky in New Jersey that have ‘unnerved’ residents”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/fbi-investigates-mysterious-drones-filling-night-sky-new-jersey-unnerv-rcna182637
[2]: “Gov. Murphy: ‘Sophisticated systems’ being used to look for drones in NJ”, 6ABC Action News, https://6abc.com/post/gov-murphy-sophisticated-systems-being-used-look-drones-new-jersey/15664737/
[3]: “Joint DHS/FBI Statement on Reports of Drones in New Jersey”, U. S. Department of Homeland Security, https://www.dhs.gov/news/2024/12/12/joint-dhsfbi-statement-reports-drones-new-jersey
[4]: “NJ senator says feds are too ‘fearful’ of public reaction to tell the truth about mysterious drones”, New York Post, https://nypost.com/2024/12/15/us-news/nj-senator-thinks-feds-are-fearful-to-reveal-truth-about-drones/
[5]: “Marjorie Taylor Greene Says Government ‘In Control’ of New Jersey Drones”, Newsweek, https://www.newsweek.com/marjorie-taylor-greene-says-government-control-new-jersey-drones-2001005
[6]: “Trump claims government knows where drones originated”, CBS News, https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-drones-new-jersey-government/
[7]: “Yes they can control the weather,” Marjorie Taylor Greene X account, https://x.com/mtgreenee/status/1842039774359462324
[8]: “Chemtrails Conspiracy Theory”, David Keith’s Research Group, Harvard University, https://keith.seas.harvard.edu/chemtrails-conspiracy-theory
[9]: “I told yall,” Marjorie Taylor Greene X account, https://x.com/mtgreenee/status/1867533284491616622
[10]: “Iranian ‘mothership’ isn’t behind drone sightings over New Jersey, Pentagon says”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/iranian-mothership-not-drone-sightings-new-jersey-pentagon-says-rcna183863
[11]: “Galactic Empire”, Star Wars Fandom, https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Galactic_Empire
[12]: Senator Doug Mastriano X account, https://x.com/SenMastriano/status/1868794734530953444
[13]: “TIE Fighter,” StarWars.com, https://www.starwars.com/databank/tie-fighter
[14]: “The New World Order: The Historical Origins of a Dangerous Modern Conspiracy Theory”, Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey, https://www.middlebury.edu/institute/academics/centers-initiatives/ctec/ctec-publications/new-world-order-historical-origins-dangerous
[15]: “Black helicopters”, Rational Wiki, https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Black_helicopters
[16]: “The New World Order,” The Evil Wiki, https://evil.fandom.com/wiki/New_World_Order
[17]: “The Black Helicopters”, Conspiracy Realist, https://conspiracyrealist.com/political/black-helicopter-conspiracy-theory/
[18]: “FEMA Camps Conspiracy Theory,” Wikiwand, https://www.wikiwand.com/en/articles/FEMA_camps_conspiracy_theory
[19]: “Do Squirrels Eat Sunflower Seeds? Learn the Intricacies of Squirrel Diets”, CritterStop, https://critterstop.com/post/do-squirrels-eat-sunflower-seeds-learn-the-intricacies-of-squirrel-diets/