Justice Alito Blames The Dog

He told a shaggy dog story to dodge the blame for an embarrassment. All he did was step in it.

Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster
Civil Politics


DonkeyHotey caricature of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, Jr.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, Jr. Caricature by DonkeyHotey on Flickr.

Americans were shocked recently when Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito flew extreme right-wing flags at his home¹ and beach house.² It wasn’t because the flags suggest Justice Alito supports Trump and the MAGA agenda and will rule in their favor in cases which come before the Court. Everyone already knew it. And people weren’t surprised Justice Alito didn’t man up and accept responsibility, but instead blamed his wife, Martha-Ann.³ That’s SOP for husbands. No, people were amazed this tired old cliché of an excuse might work.

Alito’s cop-out had legs because his Republican colleagues decided to use it themselves. To wit, they blamed Martha-Ann for their own recent embarrassments.

Justice Neil Gorsuch, for instance, was in a pickle. The Court Librarian found a stoner-quality stash box⁴ behind the law books on a shelf in his chambers. The box contained everything a tea head needs when they wanna get a grin on: blunts in metal tubes, flowers in glass jars, rolling papers, a nug grinder, a kief catcher, butane lighters, and hemp wicks.

Caricature of Justice Neil Gorsuch. “I love it when there’s a doobie on the docket.”
“I make my best rulings when there’s a doobie on the docket.” Justice Neil Gorsuch. Caricature by DonkeyHotey on Flickr.

According to Justice Gorsuch, however, the box belonged to Martha-Ann. He let her hang out in his chambers when Sam was writing opinions. Obviously, Martha-Ann tucked the box behind the books so it’d be there when she wanted a smoke sesh.

Likewise, Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s tit was in a wringer. The Official Judicial Dry Cleaner had uncovered a set of superhero costumes in his office closet while replacing his wrinkled robes with pressed ones. There were outfits for Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Black Widow, Captain Marvel, Harley Quinn, and Mrs. Incredible. There’d been talk among the law clerks that Justice Kavanaugh identified with female superheroes. And he wore their costumes under his robes when he heard cases.

Caricature of Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “My costumes are designed to uphold my subpoena.”
“My costumes uphold my subpoena.” Justice Brett Kavanaugh. Caricature by DonkeyHotey on Flickr.

But Justice Kavanaugh denied they were his; the get-ups belonged to Martha-Ann. She liked to put ’em on, then pretend to defend the Court from attacks by radical leftists, feminazis, the media, and Pride flag fliers.⁵

There was the curious case of Justice Clarence Thomas. A cleaning crew found a copy of The U. S. Constitution For Dummies⁶ in the magazine rack beside the throne in his privy.

Clarence’s colleagues were surprised. Not because he would use a cheat sheet to understand the Constitution. It was because they didn’t think he’d read the Constitution at all. Justice Thomas believes it’s constitutional to deny people the right to obtain contraceptives, marry someone of a different race, and marry someone of the same sex.⁷ That it’s lawful to segregate school kids according to their race.⁸ The liberal justices don’t think he read any of that in the Constitution. They think Clarence pulled those ideas out of his ass.

But Justice Thomas denied the book was his. “I never use law books for bathroom reading,” he said. “I keep them on the shelf in my chambers. It’s so visitors will think I’m a learned jurist. Of course, I gotta dust ’em once in a while, so people will think I’ve taken ’em off the shelf and read them.”

Caricatue of Justice Clarence Thomas. “I could read a law book, but I don’t want to set a precedent.”
“I could read a law book, but I don’t want to set a precedent.” Justice Clarence Thomas. Caricature by DonkeyHotey on Flickr.

“Besides,” continued Justice Thomas, “the book the cleaners found isn’t a For Dummies guide. It’s The U. S. Constitution For Trump. Martha-Ann probably bought it for Sam. That’s because it contains Trump’s legal principles, which Sam likes to cite in his opinions. Such as his go-to reason for ruling against liberals: because they’re Cacas de Fortuna (“shit out of luck”).

Finally, Justice Amy Coney Barrett had some explaining to do. A law clerk slipped on some Ben Wa balls⁹ rolling around on the floor in her chambers.

The court reporters suspected she owned a set. When they looked at the justices while transcribing proceedings, Justice Gorsuch seemed stoned. Alito looked constipated. Thomas and Kavanaugh were bored. But Justice Barrett always had a silly grin on her face. Maybe she was just into oral arguments. Or maybe she’d shoved some “happy marbles” up her hoo-ha before the hearing. Then, while plaintiffs made their motions, she used her pelvic muscles to make pleasing motions of her own.¹⁰

Caricature of Justice Amy Coney Barrett. “If I’m squirming in my seat, don’t suppress my motion.”
“If I’m squirming in my seat, don’t suppress my motion.” Justice Amy Coney Barrett. Caricature by DonkeyHotey on Flickr.

But according to Justice Barrett, the Ben Wa balls were Martha-Ann’s. “She had hay fever the other day when she dropped by my chambers,” said Amy. “When Martha-Ann sneezed, she must have shot the balls out of her cooch.”

Martha-Ann didn’t deny what Gorsuch and the others said. This led reporters to wonder: maybe the justices were telling the truth; perhaps they had pictures.

However, she declared she wasn’t responsible for hoisting the MAGA flags. “I’ve never run anything up the poles outside my homes,” she said. “I’d sooner run something up the pole between Sam’s knees.”

Faced with his wife’s unwillingness to take one for the team, Justice Alito resorted to using another of his favorite legal principles: Stercus proclivi cursu defluit (shit flows downhill). Specifically, Alito blamed his grandchildren for raising the right-wing flags.

Photo of Justice Alito’s grandchildren in a police lineup wth their hands raised.
Justice Alito’s grandkids in a police lineup. The suspected ringleader was second from the left. Photo by Janusfinder on Flickr.

The Supreme Court Police obliged Justice Alito by arresting the grandkids and bringing them in for a lineup. Meanwhile, they searched the grounds around the flag poles. Sure enough, they found toys scattered about which suggested that kids had been there.

  • A couple of Trump “Campaign Donor” squeeze balls.
  • A Trump “Campaign Donations” personal piggy bank.
  • A set of Trump “Build The Wall” Lincoln Logs®.
  • A Trump “Dismantle Constitutional Rights” Jenga® game.
  • A Trump “My Despotic True Colors” coloring book.
  • A Trump “Criminal Charges” Whac-A-Mole® game.
  • A Trump “Middle-Finger Puppet.”

But in the midst of sweating confessions out of the grandkids, the police stopped and turned them loose. Upon further investigation, it turned out the toys belonged to Justice Alito.

Photo of a “Make America Cringe Again” Trump action figure, dressed like Captain America, found beside Justice Alito’s flag pole. It’s one of his favorites.
A “Make America Cringe Again” action figure found beside Justice Alito’s flag pole. It’s one of his favorites. “America’s Hero Donald Trump Action Figure”, Proud Right Winger website, screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

So Alito resorted to the oldest dodge since Adam made Eve take the rap for filching an apple in the Garden of Eden: he blamed the dog. Indeed, he issued an arrest warrant for the pup. The cops immediately collared Alito’s dog and trotted him off to jail on a leash.

Photo of a bull terrier getting the third degree from a police detective, who’s yelling at the dog and pointing accusingly at it while hold an evidence bag full of dog grap. The detective is yelling “Don’t gimme that shit that this isn’t your shit!”
“Don’t gimme that shit that this isn’t your shit!” Justice Alito’s dog getting the third degree from a detective. Unattributed photo on Reddit social media platform. Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

At first, the cops thought they were barking up the right tree. They found damning evidence at the scene. Indeed, “damn!” is what they said when they stepped in it. But a DNA expert swore in an affidavit that the poop had been crapped by Justice Alito. He had no choice but to admit it was his. “But I didn’t plant it on purpose,” he said. “I suddenly had to go while walking past the flag pole. What can I say: my bowels are as irritable as my attitude.” The police bought his story. Justice Alito was known to have a loose grasp of Constitutional law. Likewise, Sam can’t clutch his mud.

With that, Justice Alito accepted responsibility for flying MAGA flags outside of his homes. He admitted he shouldn’t have done it. “Because, in effect, they “say to anybody who might be bringing any case before my court, I’m not going to listen to you. I’m not going to read your brief. I’m not going to listen to your argument. I’m not going to discuss the issue with my colleagues. Go away — I’ve made up my mind.¹¹

“Therefore,” said Justice Alito, “I’m going to haul down every flag which so much as hints I’ll automatically rule for Trump, his minions, or the MAGA agenda in a case brought before me.”

Justice Alito has been as good as his word. He’s lowered the MAGA flags at his home and beach house. Furthermore, he’s taken them down at his rental property in Bethesda.

Photo of Alito rental house plastered with Trump For President signs.
Photo by Gerry Dincher on Flickr.

And at another rental property in Alexandria.

Photo of another Alito rental house with Trump signs and a twenty-foot photo of Trump.
Photo by Photography Isn’t Terrorism on Flickr.

Indeed, to ensure he’s perceived as being impartial, Justice Alito prevailed upon his pastor to haul down the Trump flag at the church where he worships.

Photo of the church displayign multiple Trump for President signs, where Alito worships.
The Trump Tabernacle in McClean, Virginia. Photo by John McNeely Hudson on Flickr.

[1]: “At Justice Alito’s House, a ‘Stop the Steal’ Symbol on Display”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/16/us/justice-alito-upside-down-flag.html

[2]: “Another Provocative Flag Was Flown at Another Alito Home”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/22/us/justice-alito-flag-appeal-to-heaven.html

[3]: “Justice Samuel Alito blames upside-down American flag on his wife and a flap with neighbors”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2024/05/17/politics/justice-samuel-alito-flag-home/index.html

[4]: “How To Assemble An Awesome Stash Box”, 420 Science, https://www.420science.com/blogs/news/how-to-assemble-an-awesome-stash-box

[5]: “Alito’s Wife Caught on Tape Spewing Venom at Everyone”, The New Republic, https://newrepublic.com/post/182554/alito-wife-caught-tape-pride-media-left-flag

[6]: “U.S. Constitution For Dummies”, Dummies, https://www.dummies.com/book/academics-the-arts/history/american/u-s-constitution-for-dummies-2nd-edition-282645/

[7]: “Clarence Thomas isn’t kidding”, The Harvard Gazette, https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2022/06/clarence-thomas-isnt-kidding/

[8]: “Clarence Thomas attacks Brown v. Board ruling amid 70th anniversary”, Axios, https://www.axios.com/2024/05/23/clarence-thomas-supreme-court-racial-segregation

[9]: “Inner Goddess Kegel Toner Balls”, PinkCherry, https://www.pinkcherry.com/products/inner-goddess-kegel-toner-balls?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjw1K-zBhBIEiwAWeCOF0HerRWY04thsYyyLFptbncI8b32c_bTE9lnyvkIF0cz491R_Z7RYxoCf7MQAvD_BwE

[10]: “Ben Wa balls do what?”, Go Ask Alice!, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/ben-wa-balls-do-what

[11]: “What conservative justices said — and didn’t say — about Roe at their confirmations”, NPR, https://www.npr.org/2022/05/03/1096108319/roe-v-wade-alito-conservative-justices-confirmation-hearings

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Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster
Civil Politics

Retired high school social studies teacher in Michigan’s Up North. I’m a Presbyterian spinster, but I’m no Angel.