THE BRITISH ARE COMING
Make America British Again
Former Prime Minister Liz Truss wants to be Trump’s running mate. Republicans think she’s the greatest thing since The Beatles.
Former British Prime Minister Liz Truss has entered the contest to be Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate. “I’m obviously a cut above the competition,” Ms. Truss declared. “I’ve got class, panache, and a delightful British accent. That makes me the only contestant who can bring Downton Abbey to the White House.”
The contest kicked off at the Conservative Political Action Conference, which was held February 21–24 at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. CPAC is the “largest and most influential gathering of conservatives in the world,”¹ according to its sponsor, the American Conservative Union. It presents topics of the utmost importance to American conservatives. Such as:
- “Going Full Hungarian: Stopping Georgey Soros” by a panel of right-wing United States and state attorneys general;²
- “Putting Our Heads in the Gas Stove” by Andrew Wheeler, the former EPA Administrator under Trump who shredded pollution control regulations;²
- “The Bible Uncancelled” by former senator Rick Santorum;⁴
- “Burning Down the House” by Congressman Matt Gaetz.³
Though CPAC sessions were open to all attendees, six presenters targeted an audience of one. They were competing to be the Republican candidate for Vice President of the United States. And the person to whom they were speaking was Donald Trump. As right-wing anarchist Steve Bannon said, CPAC “is the first ‘gating’ event for the VP race.”⁵
For each contestant, the key was to come up with a speech which set them apart. Congresswoman Elise Stefanik described her New York district as “Trump and Elise Country.”⁵ Congressman Byron Donalds ranked Trump alongside sports legends Michael Jordan, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. Governor Kristi Noem attacked rivals Tim Scott and Vivek Ramaswamy for challenging Trump in the primary. According to her, they entered the race only “for themselves, for [their] personal benefit, [and] for the spotlight.”⁵
Ms. Truss has an additional hurdle to overcome. It’s that pesky Article II in the Constitution: “No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States…shall be eligible to the Office of President.”⁶ And per the Twelfth Amendment, “No person ineligible to the office of President shall be eligible to that of Vice-President.”⁷
“But consider this,” said Ms. Truss. “According to the Constitution, Trump, ‘having previously taken an oath to support the Constitution, [yet] having engaged in insurrection against the same,’ may not ‘hold any office under the United States.’⁸ But the Republicans don’t care if the Constitution disqualifies Trump. So they won’t care if it disqualifies me.”
Ms. Truss hosted a session entitled “The CPAC Revolution: Taking Back Our Parties.”² She didn’t get a prime time slot. Her’s was:
- After “Cat Fight? Michelle vs. Kamala”² by right-wing podcasters who contend that Kamala Harris’s sole qualification for being Vice President is that she’s Black, and that former First Lady Michelle Obama is a man;⁹ and
- Before “Illegally Blonde”² by podcaster Julie Kelly, who describes the January 6th Capitol rioters as “political prisoners”, asks “Who has more [of them]…Joe Biden or Vladimir Putin?”, and wonders “How many political prisoners have died in the face of relentless torment by Biden’s cruel DOJ and heartless federal judges in Washington?”¹⁰
Even so, it was an opportunity to make her case to be Trump’s VP. Her main argument was that, during her time as prime minister, she proposed a £45 billion tax cut¹² — the equivalent of $57 billion. Most of it would have benefitted wealthy taxpayers by reducing corporate taxes, ending a windfall tax on oil and gas companies, and boosting bonuses for bankers.¹¹ But it wouldn’t blow a Big Ben-sized hole in the budget. She’d offset the cuts with massive borrowing.
“For some reason,” said Ms. Truss, “people’s knickers got in a bunch.¹¹ Maybe it was because the massive increase in the public debt would have made interest rates skyrocket. Or because the inflation rate would have spiked. And the mortgage market would have cratered. As it was, just the proposal made the stock market plunge. The pound sank to its lowest rate against the dollar in forty years. The Bank of England had to make unprecedented efforts to stabilize pension funds.¹¹
“Republicans, on the other hand, will love my ideas! After all, Trump pursued my policies during his first administration. He’s promised to put them on steroids during his second. If I’m his Vice President, I’ll help him do it right. And if he doesn’t, who cares? Unlike me, he can’t be forced to resign after just fifty days in office.”
CPAC attendees loved Ms. Truss’s presentation. But not because of her economic proposals; her assertion that “the deep state” undermined her attempts to reform the government; her warning about the perils of “wokenomics;” or her contention that “President Biden [is] asleep at the wheel.”¹³
No, what wowed the Republicans were her oh-so-polite British manners. Her upper-crust British class. Her sophisticated British wit. And most of all, her enchanting British accent. True, Americans love how the British flatten their a’s. But that’s small “potahtos”. The extraordinary thing about a British accent is that, to Americans, it makes a person sound polished and refined. Learned and lettered. Elegant, urbane, and cosmopolitan. In short, it makes the average chap charming, a hero sexy, and a villain even sexier.
Consequently, Truss dazzled the audience by rotating through accents during her speech — Yorkshire, Scots, West Country, Cockney, King’s English, BBC, and Brummie.¹⁴ Knowing that Americans love British slang, she gobsmacked the crowd with funny bits ’n bobs about the numpty buggers and bloody blighters she’s encountered in Parliament. “Though blimey guv’nor,” she said, “they’re nothin’ compared to the woke wankers in Washington.” For the cherry on top, she ended her speech by shouting “Cheerio mates! I hope the rest of your day is tickety-boo!”
The CPAC audience went wild. It was the Beatlemania of 1963 on MAGA steroids of 2024. Women screamed and men swooned. Gammers whipped off their MAGA-red panties and threw them onto the stage. Geezers rushed up and tried to hump her legs. Later, after she vacated her dressing room, fans barged in and grabbed souvenirs. They snatched the used towels off the rack. The bar of soap in the shower. The strands of her hair in the sink. The used dental floss and douche kit in the waste basket.
But as James Bond had his Doctor No, so Ms. Truss has her archvillain: Nigel Farage, former Member of Parliament. Mr. Farage is a notorious Brexiteer (someone who urged Britain to exit the European Union). It’s because the EU permits the free movement of labor. Mr. Farage thinks immigrants stress Britain’s National Health Service, consume an inordinate share of its social welfare benefits, and take low-skilled jobs away from Britons.¹⁵ That’s part of the problem. Mainly, Mr. Farage feels “awkward” when he overhears foreign languages spoken on trains he happens to be riding.¹⁶
Mr. Farage was subsequently swept into the dustbin of British politics. It was in large part because Brexit failed to yield the benefits he promised. Quite the contrary: according to Goldman Sachs, Britain’s economy has “significantly underperformed” those of other advanced countries.¹⁷
Thus, Mr. Farage and Ms. Truss have something in common. Both were consigned to the political wilderness in Britain. Both are desperately seeking a way out. They think the Republican clown show is their best chance to regain the spotlight. Because neither of them can sing and dance. So they can’t follow the path taken by former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and go on The Masked Singer and Dancing With The Stars.
Mr. Farage said all the right things during his CPAC session.³
- “Woke corporate culture is canceling people.”¹⁸
- “You can’t be a proper country unless you control your borders.”¹⁹
- “The world needs Trump back in the White House. He’ll be larger than life. He’ll say things that enrage the left wing press. He’ll be terrific because he loves you.”²⁰
Nonetheless, Mr. Farage disappointed the audience. He didn’t seem all that British. His suit wasn’t an elegant, custom-made get-up from Savile Row. Instead, it looked like he’d bought it off the rack at Walmart. Yes, he spoke with an Estuary accent.²¹ But he got it wrong: it was light on the King’s English, and heavy on Cockney. In short, Mr. Farage wasn’t debonair like James Bond. He was like James’s klutzy cousin Clyde.
Mr. Farage knew he was in trouble. As he walked off the stage, the crowd went mild. Sure, a MAGA hag jumped onto the stage and pantsed him at the podium. A besparkled mom named “Lady Maga” twerked him in the hall. Two Proud Boys caught him with his pants down in a men’s room stall, and wouldn’t let him leave until he autographed their tighty-whiteys. Big deal. The Truss groupies screamed, cried, fainted, and wet their knickers whenever they saw her. And that was nothing compared to how the female fans acted.
Mr. Farage had to do something. He didn’t mind being buggered if that helped him become Trump’s running mate. But he’d be damned if he’d let Ms. Truss do the buggering.
But how to get out in front of her? The answer was simple: make a splash at CPAC’s most important social event. No, it isn’t a white-tie affair. American right-wingers are into black leather. As a result, the biggest shindig at CPAC is the “Whip The Libs” hoedown. That’s where MAGAs go to see and be seen. Mr. Farage wasn’t familiar with it. Fortunately, a fellow Trump lickspittle, Senator Lindsey Graham, took him under his wing. It was a mutually beneficial experience. Because Mr. Farage showed Senator Graham the truth of the old adage, “Clothes make the man; accessories make him well-dressed.” Especially when the accessories are black leather harnesses, thongs, and bare-ass biker chaps.
Mr. Farage gained a lap on Ms. Truss for the race to be Trump’s running mate. Thanks in no small part to the public lap dance he gave Senator Graham.
But it was only temporary. The next night, Ms. Truss knocked him out of the race, and made herself a top-ranked contender to be Trump’s vice president. She did it by being a cheerleader at the CPAC Pep Rally.
She had stiff competition. The junior varsity squad — Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, former congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, and Arizona senate candidate Kari Lake — looked sensational in their white turtlenecks, short yellow skirts, white crew socks, and Keds. They did high kicks every chance they got, to show off their MAGA-red panties. But Ms. Truss outshone them all with her sprightly dance moves and bodacious pom-poms.
That left the varsity cheerleaders: Congresswoman Elise Stefanik and South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem. Ms. Truss knew she had to go above and beyond to set herself apart. She did. And by using a typical British tactic to grab the crowd’s attention.
[1]: “CPAC in DC 2024”, CPAC, https://www.digital.cpac.org/us/events-dc2024
[2]: Agenda for February 22, 2024, CPAC, https://agenda.m.cpac.org/agenda/thursday
[3]: Agenda for February 23, 2024, CPAC, https://agenda.m.cpac.org/agenda/friday
[4]: Agenda for February 24, 2024, CPAC, https://agenda.m.cpac.org/agenda/saturday
[5]: “Trump’s potential VPs turn on the flattery”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2024/02/23/donald-trump-vice-president-candidates-00143054
[6]: Article II, Section 1, Clause 5, the Constitution of the United States of America, Constitution Annotated, https://constitution.congress.gov/browse/essay/artII-S1-C5-1/ALDE_00013692/
[7]: Twelfth Amendment, the Constitution of the United States of America, Constitution Annotated, https://constitution.congress.gov/constitution/amendment-12/
[8]: Fourteenth Amendment, Section 3, the Constitution of the United States of America, The National Archives, https://www.archives.gov/milestone-documents/14th-amendment
[9]: “CPAC Panel Singles Out Michelle Obama and Kamala Harris … for Some Reason”, The Rolling Stone, https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/cpac-cat-fight-panel-michelle-obama-kamala-harris-1234973931/
[10]: Julie Kelly, X, https://twitter.com/julie_kelly2/status/1759670171029877011
[11]: “Liz Truss touts ‘unpopular decisions’ like boosting banker bonuses”, Fortune, https://fortune.com/2022/09/21/liz-truss-trickle-down-economics-banker-bonuses-corporate-tax-unpopular-decisions/
[12]: “The Liz Truss Era Begins With a Bungled Tax Plan”, Vanity Fair, https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2022/10/liz-truss-era-bungled-tax-plan-cost-uk-conservatives-labour
[13]: “Liz Truss takes aim at left ‘deep state’ at CPAC”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/feb/22/liz-truss-cpac-republican
[14]: “10 British dialects you need to know”, Education First, https://www.ef.com/wwen/blog/language/british-dialects-you-need-to-know/
[15]: “Brexit: What will immigration look like if Britain leaves the EU?”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2016/06/16/europe/brexit-britain-immigration-referendum/
[16]: “Nigel Farage: Arch-eurosceptic and Brexit puppet master”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2016/06/24/europe/eu-referendum-nigel-farage/index.html
[17]: “Brexit Britain has ‘significantly underperformed’ other advanced economies”, CNBC, https://www.cnbc.com/2024/02/14/brexit-has-sliced-5percent-off-uk-economic-growth-goldman-sachs-says.html
[18]: “Nigel Farage rants about banking woes at American CPAC conference”, Independent, https://www.independent.co.uk/tv/news/cpac-nigel-farage-bank-natwest-b2501663.html
[19]: “Nigel Farage tells right-wing US event that ‘religious sectarianism’ is new threat in UK”, Independent, https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/nigel-farage-religious-sectarianism-cpace-b2500339.html
[20]: “‘We’ve allowed an extremist fringe to bully us!’ Nigel Farage fumes at CPAC”, GBN, https://www.gbnews.com/news/nigel-farage-cpac-washington-trump-extremist-frince
[21]: “What is an Estuary Accent?”, GoLocalise, https://golocalise.com/blog/what-is-an-estuary-accent
