THE THRONE AWAY FROM HOME
Make Outhouses Great Again
Trump cuts funds for sewage treatment plants, tells people to use backyard privies.
Donald Trump has issued a new Executive Order to take America back to the good ol’ days, when:¹
- Doctors made house calls;
- Cars were made in America;
- Troublemakers were put in mental institutions;
- Criminals were put in front of firing squads; and
- A man’s place was in the factory, a woman’s place was in the home, a minority’s place was at the back of the bus, and a foreigner’s place was back where they came from.
In that spirit, according to a statement by the White House, “President Donald J. Trump has signed an Executive Order to end the Obama-Biden war on outdoor plumbing and Make Outhouses Great Again (MOGA)!”
Trump’s interest in outhouses isn’t surprising. He’s always been passionate about privies. In 2019, Trump condemned the low-flush toilets mandated by the Energy Policy Act. According to that act, “The maximum water use allowed in water closets manufactured after January 1, 1994 is, [for] gravity tank-type toilets, 1.6 gpf [gallons per flush].”²
“That’s disgraceful,” said Trump. “People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once. They end up using more water. We’re looking very seriously at opening up the standard.’’³
In May 2025, he did. Trump issued an executive order⁴ to “review and rescind rules that limit water use in toilets.”⁵
There’s another reason why Trump cares about crappers. Donald takes big dumps. It’s on account of his eating habits. Trump’s favorite meal is two Big Macs®, two Filet-O-Fish® sandwiches, and a chocolate milkshake.⁶ When he’s feeling only peckish, Trump settles for just one Big Mac®, one Filet-O-Fish®, an order of fries, and a vanilla shake.⁶ That doesn’t clog Trump’s pipes. But one flush of the average toilet can’t budge that much mud. (By the way, this explains Trump’s Secret Service code name. Not his official one, “Mogul,”⁷ but his unofficial one: “Pantsload.”)
To make matters worse, Trump lacks the patience and origami skills to be a “folder”⁸ — someone who swipes their heinie with a two-tissue sheet. Instead, he’s a wadder.⁸ After he decorates the “Oval Office,” Trump reels off a yard of Charmin® and scrunches it into a poop loofah. That maximizes the potty paper’s “wipe area,” and minimizes the chances his fingers will brush against his Baby Ruths.
Unfortunately, the resulting bowlful of muddy cotton bales and Trump turds can’t be sluiced down the pipes by a 1.6-gallon douche. Trump has to jiggle the handle four times to dislodge a Number 2 (or as he calls it, a “J.D. Vance”). If that doesn’t work, his Secret Service detail has to blow out the clog with a MAGA toilet plunger.
That’s why Trump likes outhouses. When a person feels the Call of Nature, they step into their backyard biffy — typically, a wood-frame structure about the size of a telephone booth with a peaked roof and door, situated over a pit four feet deep. It doesn’t have a porcelain throne, a water tank, or a handle to waggle. The person just closes the door, drops trou, sits on a wood bench over a twelve-inch hole, and downloads their software.
Trump would never use an outhouse, of course. But Americans who live in small towns with wastewater treatment plants may have to. That’s because:
- The Trump Administration budget proposal for fiscal year 2026⁹ slashes funding for municipal sewage treatment plants by 87%, from $2.765 billion to $305 million;¹⁰ and
- Trump intends to eliminate the related programs¹ — the Clean Water State Revolving Fund (SRF)¹¹ and the Drinking Water SRF.¹²
The cuts have been condemned by government and private institutions alike. “Congress funded [these] programs to help communities address infrastructure needs [for] wastewater and drinking water,”¹³ wrote the Congressional Research Service. They “fill the gap between [what] rural communities need and what residents can afford,”¹⁴ said the Environmental and Energy Study Institute. The White House’s 2026 budget “kneecaps the primary water infrastructure financing programs on which local utilities rely,”¹⁵ declared to the National Association of Clean Water Agencies.
“That’s not our problem,” responded Russell Vought, Trump’s director of the Office of Management and Budget. “If the hicks in Nowheresville, North Dakota can’t afford to operate their sewage treatment plant without federal money, they shouldn’t have built it in the first place. Besides, they don’t need one. They can dig a pit in their backyard, put an outhouse over it, and do their business in that. Then again, in these rural shithole towns, nobody would care if they took a midday dump in their front yard.”
Trump’s executive order requires everyone in rural towns served by federally-funded wastewater treatment plants to install outhouses on their properties. That goes for businesses, too.
There are just two restrictions. Outhouses can’t promote Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), and
…sanctuary¹⁶ outhouses for undocumented immigrants are prohibited.
The order includes detailed instructions for building an outhouse. It even explains how to dig the pit. “That’s because the people who voted for me don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground,” said Trump.
Trump’s order goes to considerable lengths to make outhouses affordable.
To begin with, they aren’t required to be built out of wood. That’s fortunate.
- Of the lumber used in the United States for construction last year, 64% was imported. Canada supplied the most — 30% of U.S. consumption¹⁷ — followed by China (6%), Brazil (4%), Vietnam (3%), and Chile (3%).¹⁸
- Trump’s tariffs will increase the cost of that lumber — which was $23.8 billion in 2024¹⁸ — by 35%.¹⁹
Trump lets outhouse owners avoid those costs by using his old approach to building apartments in New York City: use the cheapest materials they can find.
Owners don’t need to buy flood insurance. However, Trump declared that if outhouses are swept away by floods, the Federal Emergency Management Agency won’t bail out their owners. That’s because Trump’s going to eliminate FEMA after the current hurricane season ends in November.²⁰ “That won’t be a problem,” said Trump. “All a person’s gotta do is make their outhouse amphibious.”
Best of all, the executive order eliminates burdensome regulations.
It allows owners to ignore Environmental Protection Agency guidelines for pumping out the pits. “But ya don’t want them to become so full that they overflow,” warned Trump. “Here’s my rule of thumb: if a guy’s bat and balls fall through the hole and float on the sludge, it’s time to dig a new pit and drag the outhouse over it.”
Outhouses are exempt from the toilet paper requirement in Title 20, Code of Federal Regulations (CFR) § 654.411.²² If dingleberries dangle from your rump after taking a dump, scrape them off by rubbing your tukhus against the wood walls.
Owners don’t need to stock their outhouses with cleaning supplies per Title 29, CFR § 1910.141(c).²³ That means no Scrubbing Bubbles©, Lysol® Toilet Bowl Cleaner, toilet brushes, and sponges. Granted, men may splatter the wood bench while whizzing through the hole. Women may do it while hovering their heinies to avoid touching the pee yew pew. “That’s ok,” says Trump. “If a person leaves golden showers on the bench, they can hide ’em by brushing Minwax® wood stain over ‘em.”
Outhouses are excused from the requirement to be “well ventilated.”²² Owners don’t need to install windows and roof stacks. They can use less expensive means to vent the stench.
Finally, Trump’s order exempts “privy structures and pits from being fly-tight.”²² That’s a relief: it’s impossible to keep out the feisty flies outhouses attract.
Though outhouses don’t need to be stocked with germicides, they should have plenty of insecticides. Wood outhouses attract wood-boring bugs. When a person’s doing their business, the little beasties may use the opportunity to bore into them, too. When men are seated on the bench, for instance, they often feel:
- Termites creeping into their crotch;
- Bark beetles burrowing into their butt cheeks;
- Carpenter ants crawling on their cojones; and
- Wood wasps wriggling around on their willie.
“But bad as those sound,” said Trump, “guys can get worse things from using an outhouse.”
[1]: “20 Things Trump Misses About The Old Days”, YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djwiLp9zUZU
[2]: “Energy Policy Act of 1992, Public Law 102–486; Title I — Energy Efficiency; Section 123 — Energy Conservation Requirements For Certain Lamps And Plumbing Products; (k) Standards For Water Closets and Urinals”, U. S. Department of Energy, https://afdc.energy.gov/files/pdfs/2527.pdf
[3]: “People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times”, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/people-are-flushing-toilets-10-times-15-times
[4]: “Unleashing American Energy”, The White House, https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/unleashing-american-energy/
[5]: “President Donald J. Trump Rescinds Useless Water Pressure Standards”, The White House, https://www.whitehouse.gov/fact-sheets/2025/05/fact-sheet-president-donald-j-trump-rescinds-useless-water-pressure-standards/
[6]: “Here’s Why Donald Trump Loves McDonald’s So Much”, The Takeout, https://www.thetakeout.com/1824046/why-mcdonalds-trumps-favorite-fast-food/
[7]: “First Family Secret Service Code Names Revealed for the Trumps, Bidens, Obamas and More”, E! News, https://www.eonline.com/news/1409516/first-family-secret-service-code-names-revealed-for-the-trumps-bidens-obamas-and-more
[8]: “Should You Fold Or Wad Toilet Paper?”, MEL, https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/fold-or-wad-toilet-paper-physics
[9]: Clean and Drinking Water State Revolving Loan Funds, Major Discretionary Funding Changes, President Trump’s recommendations on discretionary funding levels for fiscal year (FY) 2026, Office of Management and Budget, https://www.whitehouse.gov/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/Fiscal-Year-2026-Discretionary-Budget-Request.pdf
[10]: “Trump’s 2026 Budget Plan Nearly Eliminates Federal Funding for Clean Water in America”, Food & Water Watch, https://www.foodandwaterwatch.org/2025/05/02/trumps-2026-budget-plan-nearly-eliminates-federal-funding-for-clean-water-in-america/
[11]: “About the Clean Water State Revolving Fund (CWSRF)”, United States Environmental Protection Agency, https://www.epa.gov/cwsrf/about-clean-water-state-revolving-fund-cwsrf
[12]: “How the Drinking Water State Revolving Fund Works”, United States Environmental Protection Agency, https://www.epa.gov/dwsrf/how-drinking-water-state-revolving-fund-works
[13]: “Federally Supported Projects and Programs for Wastewater, Drinking Water, and Water Supply Infrastructure”, Congressional Research Service, Congress.gov, https://www.congress.gov/crs-product/R46471
[14]: “Amidst Climate Impacts, Rural Water Systems Rely on Federal Programs”, Environmental and Energy Study Institute, https://www.eesi.org/articles/view/amidst-climate-impacts-rural-water-systems-need-federal-programs
15]: “NACWA: EPA budget puts Americans’ health and clean water at risk”, Wastewater Digest, https://www.wwdmag.com/utility-management/article/55287783/nacwa-epa-budget-puts-americans-health-and-clean-water-at-risk
[16]: “What Is a Sanctuary City?”, Vera, https://www.vera.org/news/what-is-a-sanctuary-city
[17]: “Will the US Lumber Market Thrive or Break Under Trump?”, College of Natural Resources News, North Carolina State University, https://cnr.ncsu.edu/news/2025/01/us-lumber-market-trump-administration/
[18]: “Wood Products in United States”, Observatory of Economic Complexity, https://oec.world/en/profile/bilateral-product/wood-products/reporter/usa
[19]: “Policy-driven supply shock: North American lumber market braces for Trump tariffs 2.0”, Fastmarkets, https://www.fastmarkets.com/insights/policy-driven-supply-shock-north-american-lumber-market-braces-for-trump-tariffs-2-0/
[20]: “Trump plans to phase out FEMA, shift disaster management to states”, Scripps News, https://www.scrippsnews.com/politics/the-president/trump-plans-to-phase-out-fema-shift-disaster-management-to-states
[21]: “Maintaining Septic Systems”, United States Environmental Protection Agency, https://www.epa.gov/septic/frequent-questions-septic-systems
[22]: Title 20, CFR § 654.411 — Toilets, Code of Federal Regulations, National Archives, https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-20/chapter-V/part-654/subpart-E/subject-group-ECFR173f479979a33f4/section-654.411
[23]: Title 29, CFR § 1910.141(c) — Toilet Facilities, Code of Federal Regulations, Occupational Safety and Health Administration, U. S. Department of Labor, https://www.osha.gov/laws-regs/regulations/standardnumber/1910/1910.141
