Make Public Health Great Again

MAGA leaders of a Michigan county sideline their Health Officer and make up their own public health policies.

Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster
Civil Politics


A volunteer gets a physical after receiving a month of Trumpcare, which will replace Obamacare. The Quatermass Xperiment (1955), Hammer Film Productions.

The MAGA commissioners of Ottawa County, Michigan have decided to implement public health programs which meet the needs of “We The People.” They’ve sidelined the county health officer, whom they regard as an overly-credentialed technocrat. Instead, they’ve come up with their own public health services. To help people prevent pregnancies, for instance. The county used to offer science-based methods¹ such as condoms, contraceptives, and Nexplanon® implants. Now it tells guys to use a Godly approach: coitus interruptus. According to the Bible, Onan the Israelite used it when he had relations with a woman. Just before he put the cream in her cannoli, he stepped back and “spilled it on the ground.”² (Fun fact: there’s a name for men who use this method to prevent pregnancies. They’re called “fathers.”)

Ottawa County is in the southwest part of the state, hard on the shores of Lake Michigan. Its ~300,000 residents are mainly white (83%) and Hispanic (12%), have a median annual household income of ~$77,000, and live in homes with a median value of ~$228,000.³ Thirty-six percent have college degrees. Most make their livings in light manufacturing, health care, and retail.

As for their politics, they’re deep red, even by Republican standards. It’s on account of the ultraconservative Dutch who arrived during the 1840s and exert a powerful influence to this day. Consider Holland, the county’s largest city. It has fourteen Dutch Reformed churches. One of them is extremely right-wing. The other churches think its full of namby-pamby DRINOs (Dutch Reformed In Name Only). Thus, the commissioners had the voters’ complete support when they gave the Health Department a MAGA makeover.

They began by neutering the public health officer. And for good reason. She’s not an elected official, so she’s not accountable to the public. Instead, she’s an over-educated elite with pretentious letters after her name: MBA, PMP, REHS.⁴ In short, she’s the county’s Anthony Fauci,⁵ the scientist who acted like he knew more than Donald Trump about public health during the Covid pandemic.

Next, the commissioners cut the Public Health budget by twenty-five percent, from $6.4 million to $4.8 million.⁶ That gutted the “programs for substance abuse, suicide prevention, food safety classes for restaurants, fitness, nutrition, food assistance”⁷ and basic healthcare for migrant farmworkers. In other words, the ones that are woke.

In their place, the commissioners undertook “public health efforts that respect constitutional freedoms and parental rights.”⁸

The first one pertained to guns. According to the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, there’s an urgent need for “a public health approach to prevent gun violence [which] addresses firearm access.”⁹ The commissioners couldn’t agree more. They directed the Health Department to conduct a buyback program similar to those which get guns off the streets. Only their program buys gun safes to get them out of homes. They believe a toddler¹⁰ should have unfettered access to firearms, so they can stand their ground¹³ if another kid infringes on their Constitutional rights.

Next, the commissioners had drug vending machines placed outside county buildings. Elsewhere in Michigan, the machines provide easy access to Narcan® nasal spray¹², which is used to prevent deaths from opioid overdoses. In Ottawa County, however, the machines will provide drug abusers with Miracle Mineral Solution. Made by the Genesis II Church of Health and Healing, it purports to cure not only drug addictions, but also “COVID-19, Alzheimer’s, autism, brain cancer, HIV/AIDS, and multiple sclerosis.”¹³

Miracle Mineral Cure, now on sale for $100 per 55 gallon drum — and you can keep the drum. ABC Eyewitness News7, screenshot by Catherine La Grange

The commissioners have continued the Free Lunch program for public school students from low-income families (which is defined as a family of four earning $36,000 per year or less). However, they’ve directed school cafeterias to help local farmers by purchasing their agricultural byproducts. The program is a hit. Observe the gratitude on the face of the student in the photo below. He’s at one of the no-frills elementary schools mandated by the commissioners. Wearing clothes provided by the Free School Uniform For Low-Income Families Program. And he obviously can’t wait for a second helping of the Free Lunch Program’s delicious corn husk and cow hoof gruel.

On tomorrow’s menu: goat gristle gruel garnished with hog hair. Oliver! (1968), Romulus Films.

Though the commissioners slashed spending on most Health Department programs, they doubled it for one: the Contagious Disease Rapid Response Team. It’s not because of the recent appearances in Michigan of measles¹⁴ and monkeypox.¹⁵ Rather, the commissioners want to ensure they can stop outbreaks of the Woke Mind Virus.

WMV is a pathogen which causes victims to engage in left-wing thinking. During an interview with right-wing podcaster Joe Rogan, Elon Musk warned that WMV suppresses “far-right viewpoints on social media.” Indeed, he bought Twitter just to save it from the virus. “If it’s not defeated,” he said, “nothing else matters.” Mr. Rogan agreed. “I don’t want to be melodramatic,” said Joe, but Woke Mind Virus could cause “the extinction of humanity and civilization.”¹⁶

The commissioners know the Woke Mind Virus spreads like wildfire. It’s transmitted by air, water, French kissing, and heavy petting. And via movie, music, and video game downloads. People can pick it up off a public toilet seat. Spread it by sharing umbrellas, movie popcorn, phone chargers, and streaming service passwords. A baby can get it by breastfeeding from an infected mother. A guy can get it by motorboating her boobs.

Consequently, the Rapid Response Team deploys whenever there’s an outbreak of WMV, disinfects contaminated sites, and quarantines infected individuals. Indeed, the RRT did so twice last week.

The first call was to the Patmos Library in Hudsonville, where an anxious dad found a copy of Tarzan Of The Apes on a shelf. The novel, written by Edgar Rice Burroughs in 1912, is about Tarzan and Jane, a couple of scantily-clad singles who are swingers during the day and make monkey-love at night. “Clearly,” said the dad, “this book encourages people to have sex outside the bounds of traditional marriage.” The team agreed, put the book in a biohazard bag, and drove it to the incinerator at Holland Hospital.

The second call was to Zealand West High School. There, the team found an English Lit teacher who had her tenth graders read selections from Twelfth Night. The play, a romantic-comedy written by William Shakespeare in 1602, goes like this: Viola needs a job. Duke Orsino has an opening at his castle, but it’s for a page — a man. Viola dresses like a dude, calls herself Cesario, and gets the job. The Duke is trying to woo Lady Olivia but getting nowhere. He tells Cesario (Viola) to convey his feelings to Olivia. But Olivia gets the hots for Cesario (Viola). Meanwhile, Viola wants to be goosed by the Duke.

“This play is practically a petri dish for growing Woke Mind Virus,” exclaimed the team leader. “It’s got cross-dressing, gender fluidity, and same-sex relationships! The way things were going, it was just a matter of time before Viola pulled up Olivia’s farthingale¹⁷ and fondled her pie-corner.”¹⁸ The team immediately burn-bagged the copies of Twelfth Night, put the teacher in a straitjacket, and quarantined her at the county sanatorium.

The Contagious Disease Rapid Response Team straitjackets a teacher for reading a play by “Woke Will” Shakespeare. The Snake Pit (1948), 20th Century Fox

The commission’s proudest public health achievement has been to define “unborn human being.” They’ll use that definition to establish when terminating a pregnancy in Ottawa County is considered a felony. That’ll be regardless of whether it’s deliberate, or the consequence of, say, treating a woman for cancer.

Granted, they can’t make it a felony yet. Per the Michigan Constitution, Article I, section 28,¹⁹

  • “Every individual has a fundamental right to reproductive freedom, which entails the right to make and effectuate decisions about all matters relating to pregnancy, including but not limited to prenatal care, childbirth, postpartum care, contraception, sterilization, abortion care, miscarriage management, and infertility care. An individual’s right to reproductive freedom shall not be denied, burdened, nor infringed upon unless justified by a compelling state interest achieved by the least restrictive means.”

However, the commissioners know that won’t matter if Trump is elected president. People already lining up to serve in his administration will enact Federal regulations which ban abortions nationwide,²⁰ state constitutions be damned. True, Trump doesn’t care about the abortion issue one way or the other. But he’ll buy into the regulations — if anti-abortion groups buy a few thousand pairs of his sneakers.²¹

It wasn’t easy for the commissioners to define “unborn human being.” State governments are all over the place on the matter. According to them,²² someone becomes a UHB:

  • As soon as their egg is fertilized (in 15 states);
  • Six weeks into a woman’s pregnancy (in 2 states);
  • Twelve weeks (2);
  • Fifteen weeks (1);
  • Eighteen weeks (1);
  • Twenty-two weeks (4);
  • When a fetus is viable, typically at 24 weeks; or
  • As of the third trimester.

The Supreme Court might have settled the matter. It refers to an “unborn human being” nine times in the Dobbs decision²³ which overturned Roe v. Wade. But it never said what a UHB is.

Some people have made the situation even more complicated by proposing an illogical exception to the first rule above:

  • A fertilized human egg is a UHB;
  • But not if it underwent IVF (in vitro fertilization).²⁴

With IVF, eggs are extracted from a woman’s body and fertilized in an embryology laboratory. Multiple eggs are extracted, since some may not end up being viable. One or more are placed in a woman’s uterus. The rest are stored in a liquid nitrogen tank in the laboratory in case they’re needed later.

The question is, should the stored eggs be considered unborn human beings?

  • Mike Johnson, the Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives, says they should. He co-sponsored the “Life At Conception Act,”²⁵ which asserts a “right to life of each born and preborn human person…at all stages of life, including the moment of fertilization.”
  • On the other hand, Mike Johnson, the Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives, says they shouldn’t. Despite the fact that some eggs will not survive the freeze/thaw process, he thinks IVF is “something we ought to protect and preserve.”²⁶

The Ottawa commissioners think the second Mike Johnson is full of crap. They agree with the first Mike Johnson: fertilized human eggs are people. Therefore, the county should provide them with the same services as people who don’t happen to live in tanks filled with liquid nitrogen. The commissioners directed the county departments to provide those services. And they have.

The Parks & Recreation Department built a playground for IVF eggs.

In winter, the frozen eggs have their own ice skating rink. Photo by Curious Expeditions on Flickr.

It includes a public restroom.

The restroom even has reading material for IVF eggs: Green Eggs And Ham; Eggsistential Thoughts; and The Great Eggscape! Photo by Anna M on Flickr.

The County Transportation Agency established bus service to drive the eggs to the playground.

A ride costs just a penny. Custom Scales, screenshot by Catherine La Grange

Finally, the commissioners allocated funds to give the frozen eggs a coffee pot, so they can stay warm while waiting to be planted in a woman’s womb.

The commissioners also offered the frozen eggs a space heater. FunX Creation, screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

That settled the question as to whether IVF eggs are people. But the overarching one remained: What exactly is an unborn human being? The commissioners are extreme pro-lifers. So they wanted the most extreme definition possible. One which will outlaw abortions regardless of how long a fetus has been in a womb. Whether or not a fertilized egg was in a womb. Or if the egg was even fertilized.

One commissioner said a person should be considered an unborn human being when they’re a twinkle in daddy’s eye. Another said it should be when the kid’s a quiver in daddy’s loins. Or the Devil in daddy’s pants. A third looked to the Bible. “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”²⁷ Maybe he hath already created an unborn human being, too. Oh, and the men had a question: what if a guy has a wet dream? Is the stain on the sheet an unborn human being?

Ultimately, the commissioners decided to use the Joey Tribbiani Rule to determine when someone becomes an unborn human being and an abortion becomes illegal. It’s named for the character on the TV show Friends who has a knack for charming women out of their panties. The commissioners think Joey sets the standard. When a guy sidles up to a gal, gives her the once-over with his bedroom eyes, flashes his come-hither smile and says “How you doin’?”, a kid is good as conceived right there.

[1]: Department of Public Health, Ottawa County,

[2]: The Bible, book of Genesis, chapter 38, verse 9, King James Bible Online,

[3]: Ottawa County, Michigan, Data USA,

[4]: Adeline Hambley, LinkedIn,

[5]: Anthony Fauci, Wikipedia,

[6]: “Ottawa County commissioners pass budget with health department cuts”, WOOD TV,

[7]: “Ottawa County leaders pass $264M budget with some cuts to public health”, MLive,

[8]: “Opponents of COVID restrictions took over a Michigan county. They want deep cuts to health funding”, AP News,

[9]: “The Public Health Approach to Prevent Gun Violence”, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health,

[10]: “How Often Are Guns Involved in Accidental Deaths?”, The Trace,

[11]: “The Michigan Stand Your Ground Law”, The Criminal Defense Law Center of West Michigan,

[12]: “New program repurposes old newspaper boxes to dispense free Narcan in Mecosta, Osceola counties”, Rural Innovation Exchange,

[13]: “Florida family sentenced for selling bleach as fake COVID-19 cure through online church”, WTVJ,

[14]: “Michigan is seeing a rise in measles: MSU experts can comment on related health issues”, MSU Today,

[15]: “Mpox back in Michigan, though numbers are lower than 2022 outbreak”, Bridge Michigan,

[16]: “Elon Musk told Joe Rogan he bought Twitter to stop ‘extinctionist’ mind virus”, CNBC,

[17]: “The Spanish Farthingale”, Elizabethan Costume,

[18]: Pie-Corner, “Slang And Sexual Language”, The Royal Shakespeare Company,

[19]: Michigan Compiled Law (MCL), Article I § 28, Michigan Legislature,

[20]: “Trump Allies Plan New Sweeping Abortion Restrictions”, The New York Times,

[21]: Trump Sneakers,

[22]: “Where State Abortion Laws Stand Without Roe”, U. S. News & World Report,

[23]: “Dobbs, State Health Officer of the Mississippi Department of Health, et al v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization et al”, Supreme Court of the United States,

[24]: “In vitro fertilization”, Mayo Clinic,

[25]: “Life At Conception Act”, H. R. 431, United States Congress,

[26]: “U.S. House Speaker Johnson says IVF should be protected”, Oregon Capital Chronicle,

[27]: The Bible, book of Matthew, chapter 5, verse 28, King James Bible Online,



Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster
Civil Politics

Retired high school social studies teacher in Michigan’s Up North. I’m a Presbyterian spinster, but I’m no Angel.