DON’T NEED DEATH BENEFITS

Musk: “Replace Civil Servants With Zombies!”

“They’ll be the life of the office party.”

Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster
Civil Politics

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Environmental Protection Agency employees working on a zombie project. Image by Deep Dream Generator.
Environmental Protection Agency employees working on a zombie project. Image by Deep Dream Generator.

Elon Musk, co-chairman of the Department of Governmental Efficiency (DOGE),³⁵ has issued his first recommendation for reducing the cost of the federal government. He’s proposed that civil servants — all 4.45 million of them¹ — be replaced with zombies. “The government won’t need to pay for health insurance; zombies can’t get healthy. And it can eliminate employer-paid life insurance; zombies are already dead.”

DOGE is a vapor-agency created by Donald Trump. It’s co-led by Musk, the world’s richest man, and Vivek Ramaswamy, a self-described “anti-woke”² biotech entrepreneur. According to its co-leaders, DOGE will propose ways to “cut the federal government down to size” through “mass head-count reductions.”³

Musk and Ramaswamy have various different ways to reduce government spending.

Ramaswamy wants to eliminate entire departments. His first target is the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), whose “mission is helping people before, during and after disasters.”⁴ “Say a hurricane trashes the Florida coast,” said Ramaswamy. “The government shouldn’t be in the business of helping the victims. It should respond the way Republican politicians do after mass shootings.”

  • “Tell people a natural disaster is a ‘horrible, horrible situation, [but] we’re not going to fix it. If [Mother Nature] wants to take you out, there’s not a whole heck of a lot you can do about it’,⁵ said Tennessee congressman Tim Burchett.”
  • “That’s the reality we live in,’⁶ according to senator J. D. Vance.”
  • “You have to get over it’,⁷ urged Donald Trump.”
  • “All your government will give you is ‘thoughts and prayers,’⁸ said Tennessee congressman Andy Ogles.”

Musk prefers a different approach: privatize FEMA. “I’ve received an attractive proposal from the Dark Lord Sauron⁹, whose attempts to conquer and enslave the free peoples of Middle-Earth were chronicled in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sauron will establish a disaster relief company named Mordor, Inc. His Orcs¹⁰ — the fell foul creatures who torched villages and slaughtered villagers — will be retrained to provide humanitarian aid to disaster victims.“

“We’re from the government, and we’re here to help.” Photo by Just Olivier on Flickr.
“We’re from the government, and we’re here to help.” Photo by Just Olivier on Flickr.

“It’s a bleeding-edge strategy,” said Musk. “When disasters occur, the Orcs will provide relief. When there aren’t any disasters, the Orcs will create them.”

Sauron’s Orcs: “We had to pillage the village to save it.” Lord of the Rings screenshot by Catherine La Grange.
Sauron’s Orcs: “We had to pillage the village to save it.” Lord of the Rings screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

Musk has proposed privatizing another agency: the Air Traffic Organization¹¹ of the Federal Aviation Administration. Federal air traffic controllers ensure the safe and expeditious flow of aircraft operating within the National Aerospace System. They’ve done it since 1935. “But they don’t have to,” Musk declared. “Private companies could do it. Indeed, President Trump proposed that very thing in 2017.¹² It flamed out the following year¹³ because no company had the expertise.

“But now,” said Musk, “we’ve found a firm which can handle the job. It’s King Kong¹⁴ & Company. When it comes to controlling airplanes, the King has advantages.

  • He can control air traffic from anywhere. He doesn’t need a control tower.
  • Pilots will obey his instructions. They know he’ll go ape if they don’t.
  • If there are traffic back-ups, he doesn’t need to put airplanes in a holding pattern. He can just swat ’em out of the sky.”
King Kong: “When pilots ignore me, I don’t get angry. I get even.” Photo by RK* Pictures on Flickr.
King Kong: “When pilots ignore me, I don’t get angry. I get even.” Photo by RK* Pictures on Flickr.

Another of Musk and Ramaswamy’s goals is to eliminate “regulations promulgated by unelected bureaucrats.”¹⁵ (They conveniently overlooked the fact that they’ve assumed the role of unelected bureaucrats.) They cite the Food & Drug Administration as a prime offender. The FDA allows farmers to give growth hormones only to cattle and sheep.¹⁶ They can’t be given to poultry¹⁷ or used in aquaculture.¹⁸ Musk and Ramaswamy say those restrictions should be eliminated. In anticipation of that, Iowa farmers are already giving growth hormones to their chickens.

Coming soon to a Kentucky Fried Chicken near you. Mysterious Island (1961). Screenshot by Any Roffey on Flickr.
Coming soon to a Kentucky Fried Chicken near you. Mysterious Island (1961). Screenshot by Any Roffey on Flickr.

And Chesapeake Bay aquaculture companies¹⁹ have put their crabs on steroids.

Said a manager at Red Lobster: “We’re gonna need a bigger plate.” Screenshot by Andy Roffey on Flickr.
Said a manager at Red Lobster: “We’re gonna need a bigger plate.” Screenshot by Andy Roffey on Flickr.

Musk and Ramaswamy’s most important proposals pertain to public health. They’re based on recommendations by Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Trump’s nominee to be the Secretary of Health and Human Services.²⁰ RFK, Jr. is a self-described expert on human health. He’s asserted that:

  • Mass shootings are triggered by antidepressants. “Prior to the introduction of Prozac, we had almost none of these events.”²¹
  • “Chemicals raining down on our children” make them gay or transgender, and cause the feminization of boys and masculinization of girls.²²
  • “Wi-Fi radiation opens up your blood-brain barrier so toxins in your body can go into your brain.”²³
  • “They’re putting in 5G²⁴ to control our behavior.”²⁵

RFK has provided Musk and Ramaswamy with recommendations for breaking the FDA Deep State’s stranglehold on alternative treatments.

The first was to authorize an alternative to invasive procedures.²⁶ An IP is a medical treatment in which a person’s body is penetrated via a surgical incision or natural orifice. Kennedy thinks people should have an alternative: inside-outvasive procedures.

This option exists thanks to the Xenomorphs.²⁷ They’re a murderous extraterrestrial species. They were the stars of the Alien movie franchise.²⁸ They’re MAGA fans. And when it comes to social media platforms, Xenomorphs use Musk’s X.

Xenomorph mom: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Photo by Xenomorph Ali on Flickr.
Xenomorph mom: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Photo by Xenomorph Ali on Flickr.

Xenomorph moms practice a unique form of surrogacy: they make humans bear their children. Specifically, a Xenomorph mom lays eggs. Each egg hatches into a parasitoid larva called a “Facehugger.” It’s so-named because the larva leaps onto whatever human happens by, affixes itself to their face, thrusts an appendage down their throat, and deposits an embryo in the person’s chest.

“I gotta call my mom. I’m gonna be a daddy.” Photo by Leeber on Flickr.
“I gotta call my mom. I’m gonna be a daddy.” Photo by Leeber on Flickr.

After gestating for a few hours, a baby Xenomorph bursts out the person’s chest — hence it’s name: “Chestburster.”

RFK believes Chestbursters can be persuaded to perform inside-outvasive surgeries. “They’ve got nothing better to do while they’re gestating,” he said. “So to pass the time, they could remove the surrogate’s appendix, repair their hernia, give ’em a tummy tuck. When they’re done, they create an exit and leave.”

A Chestburster. (This one took a wrong turn during a colonoscopy.) Autodesk Instructables, screenshot by Catherine La Grange.
A Chestburster. (This one took a wrong turn during a colonoscopy.) Autodesk Instructables, screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

RFK’s second proposal was for the FDA to expand the use of leeches. The agency already allows their use when traumatically amputated fingers, toes, and other limbs are re-attached.²⁹ (The blood vessels in the damaged tissues are usually clotted. An anticoagulant in a leech’s saliva dissolves the clots so blood can flow into the limbs.)

Kennedy recommended two changes.

  1. The FDA should permit the use of giant leeches.
  2. The leeches should be substituted for liposuction surgery.³⁰

Liposuction is the surgical removal of fat from the human body. “It’s dangerous,” said Kennedy. “A patient can suffer nerve damage and heart problems if they’re given too much Lidocaine.

“Giant leeches, on the other hand, are a natural way to get rid of fat. A leech can suck it out of someone’s belly. Chug it from their thighs. Slurp it from their hips. Guzzle it from their butt cheeks. If a guy’s got big bosoms like Elon, a leech can suckle it from his moobs.”

A giant leech eliminates a patient’s turkey neck. The Tingler (1959). Screenshot by Movie Monster Wiki.
A giant leech eliminates a patient’s turkey neck. The Tingler (1959). Screenshot by Movie Monster Wiki.

“Giant leeches may be the answer to other medical problems too,” gushed Kennedy. “They might be used to snarf the wax out of a person’s ear. Or suck a hemorrhoid out of their ass. We’ll know for sure after my clinical trials are completed. I’m using myself as the test subject.”

Musk and Ramaswamy’s final proposal was RFK’s favorite. It urged Trump to put Jaws, a seven-foot-tall assassin who starred in two James Bond movies, in charge of eliminating fluoride from U. S. drinking water supplies. “Fluoride is an industrial waste,”³¹ Kennedy declared while standing next to Jaws at a press conference. “It’s a dangerous neurotoxin.”³²

Jaws agreed wholeheartedly. “I’ve seen the so-called ‘scientific studies’ that say fluoride is beneficial.”

  • “That community water fluoridation ‘is associated with a 25% reduction in tooth decay,’³³ according to a 2022 report by the Chief Dental Officer of Canada.”
  • “And ‘the number of [dental] treatments almost doubled’ two years after ‘the Ministry of Health decided to stop community water fluoridation in Israel’ in 2014'.”³⁴

“That’s just a bunch of teeth grinding by the Dentistry Deep State,” jeered Jaws. “I’ve drunk un-fluoridated water all my life. It hasn’t done me any harm.”

Jaws: “I don’t brush my teeth with toothpaste. I polish ’em with Brasso®.” Photo by EON Productions on Wikipedia.
Jaws: “I don’t brush my teeth with toothpaste. I polish ’em with Brasso®.” Photo by EON Productions on Wikipedia.

[1]: “Federal Civilian Employment”, Office of Personnel Management, https://www.opm.gov/policy-data-oversight/data-analysis-documentation/federal-employment-reports/reports-publications/federal-civilian-employment/

[2]: “Vivek Ramaswamy rages against ‘unelected’ bureaucrats — and everyone is saying the same thing”, Independent, https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/vivek-ramaswamy-unelected-bureaucrats-b2655596.html

[3]: “Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy have spelled out their plans for DOGE”, The Verge, https://www.theverge.com/2024/11/20/24301975/elon-musk-vivek-ramaswamy-doge-plan

[4]: “About Us”, FEMA, https://www.fema.gov/about#

[5]: “Republican congressman says ‘we’re not going to fix’ school shootings”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/mar/28/tim-burchett-republican-nashville-shooting

[6]: “Backlash for JD Vance after calling school shooting a ‘fact of life’”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/sep/06/georgia-school-shooting-trump-vance-harris

[7]: “Trump tells supporters ‘we have to get over it’ after Iowa school shooting”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-tells-supporters-get-iowa-school-shooting-move-forward-rcna132610

[8]: “Gun-Loving Republicans Offer Condolences After Latest School Shooting”, The Rolling Stone, https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/nashville-shooting-gun-loving-republicans-thoughts-prayers-1234704321/

[9]: Sauron, Tolkien Gateway, https://tolkiengateway.net/wiki/Sauron

[10]: Orcs, The Lord of the Rings Wiki, https://lotr.fandom.com/wiki/Orcs#Characteristics

[11]: Air Traffic Organization, Federal Aviation Administration, https://www.faa.gov/about/office_org/headquarters_offices/ato

[12]: “Trump Announces Plan To Privatize Air Traffic Control”, National Public Radio, https://www.npr.org/2017/06/05/531574945/trump-announces-plan-to-privatize-air-traffic-control

[13]: “Plan to privatize U.S. air traffic control lacks support”, Reuters, https://www.reuters.com/article/world/us-politics/plan-to-privatize-us-air-traffic-control-lacks-support-congressman-idUSKCN1GC02F/

[14]: “Megaprimatus Kong”, King Kong Wiki, https://kingkong.fandom.com/wiki/Megaprimatus_Kong

[15]: “The promise of DOGE”, Washington Examiner, https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/3244667/the-promise-of-doge/

[16]: “Steroid Hormone Implants Used for Growth in Food-Producing Animals”, U. S. Food & Drug Administration, https://www.fda.gov/animal-veterinary/product-safety-information/steroid-hormone-implants-used-growth-food-producing-animals

[17]: “Can hormones be used to raise chickens?”, U. S. Department of Agriculture, https://ask.usda.gov/s/article/Can-hormones-be-used-to-raise-chickens

[18]: “Approved Aquaculture Drugs”, U. S. Food & Drug Administration, https://www.fda.gov/animal-veterinary/aquaculture/approved-aquaculture-drugs

[19]: “Blue Crab Aquaculture”, The House & Home Magazine, http://thehouseandhomemagazine.com/culture/blue-crab-aquaculture/

[20]: U. S. Department of Health and Human Services, https://www.hhs.gov/

[21]: “RFK. Jr’s controversial health stances, from vaccines to raw milk”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/rfk-jr-health-stances-vaccines-fluoride-raw-milk-rcna180244

[22]: “Robert F. Kennedy Jr. repeatedly suggested that chemicals in water are impacting sexuality of children”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/13/politics/robert-kennedy-jr-chemicals-water-children-frogs/index.html

[23]: “RFK Jr.’s Wi-Fi claim about human blood-brain barriers isn’t backed by definitive research”, Politifact, https://www.politifact.com/article/2023/jul/10/rfk-jrs-wi-fi-claim-about-human-blood-brain-barrie/

[24]: “What is 5G?”, Qualcomm, https://www.qualcomm.com/5g/what-is-5g

[25]: “‘That’s Actually Pretty Funny!’ CNN Anchor Kate Bolduan Deadpans Praise For Trump Crack About RFK Jr.”, Mediaite, https://www.mediaite.com/news/thats-actually-pretty-funny-cnn-anchor-kate-bolduan-deadpans-praise-for-trump-crack-about-rfk-jr/

[26]: “What is an invasive procedure?”, National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6678000/

[27]: “Xenomorph XX121”, Xenopedia, https://avp.fandom.com/wiki/Xenomorph_XX121_(Alien)

[28]: “Alien movies in order: chronological and release”, Space.com, https://www.space.com/alien-movies-in-order

[29]: “Beyond Bloodletting: FDA Gives Leeches a Medical Makeover”, University of Nebraska — Lincoln, Digital Commons, https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1124&context=manterlibrary

[30]: Liposuction Overview, Mayo Clinic, https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/liposuction/about/pac-20384586#

[31]: “RFK Jr. says fluoride is ‘an industrial waste’ linked to cancer, diseases and disorders. Here’s what the science says”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2024/11/03/health/rfk-jr-fluoride-science/index.html

[32]: Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. account on X, https://x.com/RobertKennedyJr/status/1852907832884285708

[33]: “The State of Community Water Fluoridation across Canada, 2022 Report”, Office of the Chief Dental Officer of Canada, Public Health Agency of Canada, Canada.ca (the official website of the Government of Canada), https://www.canada.ca/content/dam/phac-aspc/documents/services/publications/healthy-living/community-water-fluoridation-across-canada/community-water-fluoridation-across-canada-eng.pdf

[34]: “The effect of cessation of drinking water fluoridation on dental restorations and crowns in children aged 3–5 years in Israel — a retrospective study”, Israel Journal of Health Policy Research, https://ijhpr.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13584-024-00637-5

[35]: Department Of Government Efficiency Community Meme Project, https://dogegov.com/

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