CALL ROTO-ROOTER, STAT!
Republicans Hold Their Noses, Defend Trump
But this scandal stinks so bad, they squashed their beaks.
Hospital emergency rooms in Washington D. C. were swamped with traumatic nose injuries after Trump’s conviction in his hush-money trial. Surprisingly, the patients had certain things in common.
- All of them were Republican politicians.
- Before Trump was elected president, they’d declared that he stinks.
- After he was elected, they defended him whenever he committed a disgrace, even if they had to hold their noses because their reasons stank.
- After this conviction, their defenses were the worst-smelling yet.
- Unfortunately, they gripped their sniffers so hard to keep out the stench, they busted them.
Senator J. D. Vance of Ohio showed up at an emergency room with a collapsed schnozzola. He was surprised that it happened. “I thought I’d become an expert at holding my nose. I had to. When Trump ran for president in 2016, I described him as a noxious idiot. A cynical asshole. If he was elected president, he’d become America’s Hitler.¹
“Then Trump got elected. The Republican Party got a MAGA makeover. The only way a schmuck like me could be a senator was to pull on kneepads and suck up to Trump. So that’s what I do. After his conviction, I said the trial was a sham. The prosecutor was corrupt. The judge made money by crucifying Trump.² I know: what I said smelled worse than a Toledo pierogi fart. I had to squeeze my snout to keep out the reek. Unfortunately, it caved in. Which I realized when I tried to sneeze, couldn’t, and blew it out my ass.”
Likewise, Senator Marco Rubio of Florida suffered nasal trauma while defending Trump. “This shouldna happened,” he said. “I’m the best in the Senate at holding my nose when Trump takes a dump on America. It hasn’t been easy. Before Trump was elected, I said he was unprepared to be the president. He was erratic. He shouldn’t be entrusted with the codes for launching our nuclear missiles.³ In years to come, people will have to justify how they fell into the trap of supporting Donald Trump.⁴
“Then I fell into the trap. What can I say? I’m a career politician whose career has leveled off. During the past ten years, I’ve sponsored just seventeen bills which were enacted into law.⁵ They weren’t exactly earth-shaking. Senate Bill 2159, for instance, designated “the outpatient clinic of the Department of Veterans Affairs at 400 College Drive, Middleburg, Florida, as the ‘Andrew K. Baker Department of Veterans Affairs Clinic’.⁶ Yippee. But I can’t give up the power and privileges which come with being a senator. So I gotta be Trump’s toady; it’s the only way to keep my job.
“That’s why, when Trump was convicted, I said the charges were ridiculous. The trial was conducted by a pro-Biden judge. The jury was made up of people from the most liberal county in America. The jury instructions guaranteed a guilty verdict.⁷
“Yeah, what I said smelled worse than an overflowing porta potty on a muggy Miami day. I had to put my nose in a death grip to keep out the turd smell. Unfortunately, I shoved my snot through the back of my nasal passages. I spent the rest of the night picking boogers out of my ears.”
Congresswoman Elise Stefanik of New York was brought into an ER with a twisted schnozzle. “I should have known not to pinch it and squinch it,” she said. “But I had to. I’ve portrayed myself as someone who supports the rule of law.⁸ But after Trump’s conviction, there I was, saying the justice system is rigged. It allowed a Soros-funded Far Left Democrat district attorney and a highly unethical judge to turn an illegal zombie case into a sham trial of Trump.⁹
“When those words came out of my mouth, my own breath nearly knocked me over. It smelled worse than Marjorie Taylor Greene’s feet after she stomped on the flaming brown paper bag of poop I left at her office door. I had to clench my snoot to keep out the fumes. Unfortunately, now I’ve got ingrown nose hairs. You can see ’em when I wink at you: I’m actually batting my noselashes.”
Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina didn’t go to an ER. That’s because he doesn’t need to hold his nose when defending Trump. Unlike everyone else, he makes ass-kissing look effortless.
That’s surprising. Back in 2015, Lindsey described Trump as being “a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot.” If Republicans wanted to “make America great again, tell Donald Trump to go to Hell. I’d rather lose without Donald Trump than try to win with him.”¹¹
Then Lindsey had a change of heart. Or rather, he lost it. To Lindsey, “Trump’s corruption is irrelevant. His hostility toward democracy is irrelevant. His failures, incompetence, and inability to govern are irrelevant.”¹¹ Lindsey himself admitted that it comes down to this: “If I want to win, I need to work with President Trump. I’m into winning. I can’t do it without him.”¹¹
Thus, after the trial, Lindsey declared that the prosecutor was a “political hack.” The judge “conducted [the] trial in a way to ensure Donald Trump’s conviction.” The jury couldn’t render a fair verdict because it “comes from one of the most liberal areas of America.”¹² Lindsey uttered those words without so much as wrinkling his nose, let alone having to hold it.
Even so, Lindsey was injured after Trump’s conviction. It was while he was comforting Donald at Trump Tower. As usual, that involved a lot of butt-kissing. Unfortunately, Lindsey’s nose got stuck up Donald’s ass. Luckily, he didn’t need to go to the hospital. The Secret Service pried Lindsey’s nose out of Trump’s crack with a crowbar.
[1]: “‘My God what an idiot’: J.D. Vance gets whacked for past Trump comments”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2021/10/23/jd-vance-ohio-senate-trump-comments-516865
[2]: “How JD Vance Became the GOP’s Favorite Stooge”, The Daily Beast via Yahoo, https://www.yahoo.com/news/jd-vance-became-gop-favorite-144248056.html#:~:
[3]: “Marco Rubio: Not going to turn over GOP to ‘con artist’ Donald Trump”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2016/02/26/politics/marco-rubio-donald-trump-morning-show-attacks/index.html
[4]: “Marco Rubio’s Own Words About Donald Trump Used Against Him”, Newsweek, https://www.newsweek.com/marco-rubios-own-words-about-donald-trump-used-against-him-1882857
[5]: United States Congress legislation tracker, https://www.congress.gov/ Selection parameters are as follows. Use “Current Congress” drop-down menu to select “Members”, type Marco Rubio into space to the right, <enter>. “Limit Your Search”: click “Legislation.” “Congress”: click on “Check All.” “Bill Type”: “Bills.” “Status of Legislation”: “Became Law.” “Sponsor”: “Rubio, Marco”.
[6]: Account for Marco Rubio, X, https://x.com/marcorubio/status/1796288773161984161
[7]: “Standing Up For Law Enforcement”, Official website for Congresswoman Elise Stefanik, https://stefanik.house.gov/standing-up-for-law-enforcement
[8]: Account for Congresswoman Elise Stefanik, X, https://x.com/EliseStefanik/status/1796289884883144810
[9]: “Lindsey Graham: ‘Tell Donald Trump to go to hell’”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2015/12/08/politics/lindsey-graham-donald-trump-go-to-hell-ted-cruz/index.html
[10]: “Understanding Lindsey Graham’s sycophantic posture toward Trump”, MSNBC, https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/understanding-lindsey-graham-s-sycophantic-posture-toward-trump-n1258496
[11]: Official website for Senator Lindsey Graham, https://www.lgraham.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/press-releases?ID=7ED04F7C-40A1-411B-9F0F-2D130BE26E7E
