SO LONG, SCIENCE
RFK Jr. Creates Agency To Promote Folk Remedies
“We’re gonna unleash the power of magical thinking.”
My name is Robert F. Kennedy Jr., I’m the Secretary for Health and Human Services, and I’ve just improved my department’s ability to “enhance the health and well-being of all Americans.”¹
- I’ve eliminated the FDA. That’s the Food & Drug Administration.² It relied on the old-school approach of using “real-world evidence”³ to evaluate, authorize, and regulate medical treatments.
- I’ve replaced it with the FPA. That’s the Folklore Pharmaceutical Administration. It’ll base its decisions on magical thinking. Which is good news for me. When it comes to magical thinking, I’m full of it!
The FPA will approve treatments faster and at a fraction of the cost. That’s because it’ll ditch that silly old time-consuming “scientific method.”⁴ For example, it won’t:
- Design and conduct studies to produce “relevant scientific evidence;”⁴
- Perform “well-designed randomized trials”⁴ to evaluate treatments; and
- Ask stupid questions after each trial, like “Did the treatment help?”⁴
In short, the FPA won’t use scientific evidence to determine if medical treatments work. That’s great, because when it comes to the treatments I promote, there’s no evidence they work.
Consider the measles outbreak that’s been raging in Texas since January. There have been 505 cases as of April 8th.⁵ Nearly everyone who caught the measles was unvaccinated. Ergo, according to the FDA, the spread of measles could be stopped if people who haven’t been inoculated get the vaccine.
That’s absurd. All people gotta do is use my pet treatments for measles.
- Inhale a steroid called budesonide.⁶ Oh, and ignore what the Mayo Clinic says: budesonide won’t help because it just prevents asthma attacks.⁷
- Take clarithromycin.⁶ Don’t listen to the Cleveland Clinic, which points out that measles is a virus, and clarithromycin only kills bacteria.⁸
- Chug a bottle of cod liver oil because it’s loaded with vitamin A.⁶ Don’t pay attention to the Bloomberg School of Public Health at Johns Hopkins University, which says “Vitamin A does not prevent measles,” nor does it “eliminate the risk of measles mortality.”⁹
Fortunately, my new Folklore Pharmaceutical Administration has approved these treatments. It doesn’t give a rat’s ass about medical evidence. It approved them just because I said they work.
Here’s another example. The FPA authorized a centuries-old cure for sore throats: wrap a woolen sock around your neck.¹⁰ I tested it with the assistance of my wife, Cheryl Hines. It goes like this.
- Use a sock that’s just been pulled off someone’s foot so it’s still warm. Cheryl yanked off one of her cotton “thigh-highs.”
- The sock should be ripe. No problem: Cheryl’s feet could make Dr. Scholl’s® Odor Eaters gag.
- Wrap the sock loosely around the patient’s neck and leave it there.
The treatment worked; my sore throat cleared up the next day. That’s even though Cheryl got the last step wrong. Maybe she was distracted. She’d just seen a news report that I’ve been sexting with a Kennedy groupie half my age.¹¹ Anyway, next time we do this, she needs to remember: wrap the sock loosely around my neck.
The FPA also approved three cures based on my favorite theory for treating diseases: the Doctrine of Sympathies.¹² It’s the belief that a body part can be healed by a plant or animal which resembles it.
The first treatment involves raw clams. They look like testicles. So naturally, clams can clear up a rash on a man’s balls. All he’s gotta do is pack clams around his package, leave them there for an hour, then throw ’em in a pot of boiling water. When the clams are cooked, the rash will be gone.
As it happened, I had a bad rash on my cojones last week. Cheryl graciously offered to help. That was even though she’d just seen a news item that I’d done more than sexted with that Kennedy groupie. I’d had FaceTime sex¹⁴ with her.¹³ That’s where people get together online and watch each other jack off.
Unfortunately, while Cheryl seemed to take the news like a trooper, it may have distracted her at a critical moment. She was supposed to grab the clams and throw them into a pot of boiling water. Instead, she dumped the boiling water into my crotch.
The second FPA-approved treatment involves a chestnut. It looks like a man’s prostate gland. So obviously, it can be used to shrink a guy’s P-spot.
I certainly needed to shrink mine. I’m seventy-one years old. My prostate’s big as a bagel. It wakes me up three times a night to make water, for Chrissake!
Thank goodness for Cheryl. She shoved a chestnut up my booty and nudged it up against my prostate. The treatment worked — even though she screwed up a step.
It was Christmas Day. Cheryl was roasting chestnuts in the fireplace. I walked up to her, about-faced, dropped trou, and bent over.
Trouble was, she was feeling out of sorts. She’d just read a news article describing a confession I’d made to my starter-wife (Cheryl is #2): I’d had affairs with thirty-seven women during that marriage.¹⁵
Consequently, Cheryl wasn’t paying attention to what she was doing. She meant to grab a raw chestnut out of the bowl beside her. Instead, Cheryl used tongs to pluck a roasted chestnut out of the fire, then she rammed it up my keister.
The last treatment is for Erectile Dysfunction. It involves — what else — a banana. I asked Cheryl to help me with it, and she agreed. That was even though she knows my “erectile” functions just fine. (I burped my worm a bunch of times during FaceTime sex with that Kennedy bunny.)
Maybe we should have put it off awhile. We’d just had a spat. It was because I’m the Secretary of Health and Human Services. I need to live in Washington DC. I wanted to do it as a bachelor. So I suggested she continue living at our $6 million estate in Los Angeles so she could continue her acting career there.
Cheryl said she didn’t trust me to bach it in DC.¹⁶ The town’s loaded with beautiful women who’d love to “do” a member of America’s royal family. Cheryl worried that if they batted their eyes and showed some thigh, I’d succumb to my “lust demons.”¹⁷
We tabled the matter so we could get on with the treatment. It was supposed to go like this:
- I’d drop my pants, whip out my tallywacker, and lay it in a Banana Split dish on the kitchen table;
- Cheryl would lay a banana alongside it, slice it lengthwise, then place the halves on either side of my salami;
- She’d plop three scoops of vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry ice cream on it. Drizzle it with chocolate syrup and pineapple sauce. Then top it with whipped cream, chopped nuts, and a maraschino cherry.
If she’d done it right, I’d have gotten a diamond cutter. But she did the last step wrong. It’s all right, we’ll try again some other time. When we do, I gotta remind her: she’s supposed to cut the banana.
[1]: “About HHS”, U. S. Department of Health and Human Services, https://www.hhs.gov/about/index.html
[2]: “What We Do”, U. S. Food & Drug Administration, https://www.fda.gov/about-fda/what-we-do
[3]: “Real-World Evidence”, U. S. Food & Drug Administration, https://www.fda.gov/science-research/science-and-research-special-topics/real-world-evidence
[4]: “Evidence-Based Medicine”, National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK470182/
[5]: “Measles Outbreak — April 8, 2025”, Texas Department of Health and Human Services, https://www.dshs.texas.gov/news-alerts/measles-outbreak-2025
[6]: “RFK Jr. Makes Unhinged Claim About Measles Vaccine as Cases Rise”, The New Republic, https://newrepublic.com/post/192641/robert-f-kennedy-jr-claim-measles-vaccine
[7]: “Budesonide (inhalation route)”, Mayo Clinic, https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/budesonide-inhalation-route/description/drg-20071233
[8]: “Clarithromycin tablets”, Cleveland Clinic, https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/drugs/18242-clarithromycin-tablets
[9]: “Controlling the Measles Outbreak in the Southwest”, Bloomberg School of Public Health, Johns Hopkins University, https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2025/the-measles-outbreak-in-west-texas-and-beyond
[10]: “Nebraska Folk Cures”, DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska — Lincoln, https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1003&context=englishunsllc
[11]: “Robert F. Kennedy Jr. allegedly cheated on wife Cheryl Hines with political reporter Olivia Nuzzi”, Page Six, https://pagesix.com/2024/09/20/celebrity-news/rfk-jr-cheated-on-cheryl-hines-with-reporter-olivia-nuzzi/
[12]: “Weird remedies and the problem of folklore”, Dr. Alun Withey, https://dralun.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/weird-remedies-and-the-problem-of-folklore/
[13]: “Olivia Nuzzi ‘was disgusted by RFK Jr. but then the FaceTime sex became incredible’”, Daily Mail, https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13899975/Olivia-Nuzzi-disgusted-RFK-JR-Facetime-sex.html
[14]: “A sex coach’s guide to FaceTime sex”, Fashion Journal, https://fashionjournal.com.au/life/sex-coach-guide-facetime-sex/
[15]: “RFK Jr told his second wife it was her fault he cheated on her 37 times in new recordings: Report”, yahoo!news, https://www.yahoo.com/news/rfk-jr-told-second-wife-014738987.html
[16]: “Cheryl Hines fears another RFK Jr cheating scandal if he lives alone in Washington DC”, The Mercury News, https://www.mercurynews.com/2025/03/06/cheryl-hines-fears-another-rfk-jr-cheating-scandal-if-he-lives-alone-in-washington-dc/
[17]: “Inside RFK Jr.’s secret sex diaries — including the codes he used for women while grappling with his lust demons”, New York Post, https://nypost.com/2024/09/20/us-news/inside-rfk-jr-s-secret-sex-diaries-including-the-codes-he-used-for-women-while-grappling-with-his-lust-demons/
