PAPA NEEDS A NEW ROBE
SCOTUS: GoFundUs
The Republican justices have ruled that bribes are just tips. Now they want six-figure gratuities.
The Republicans on the U. S. Supreme Court have given petitioners a way to literally “tip” the scales of justice. They’ve ruled that a bribe is just a gratuity for services rendered. On a side note, they’ve announced that, henceforth, tip jars will be situated next to their seats at the bench. That way, if a petitioner likes a ruling, they can drop in a Benjamin.
The case which brought this about was Snyder v. The United States.¹ The facts were these. In 2013, the mayor of Portage, Indiana, rigged the city’s purchasing process to buy garbage trucks from a company owned by a couple of campaign donors. The city paid the donors $1.1 million. The donors gave the mayor a $13,000 kickback disguised as “consulting services.”² A jury found the mayor guilty of bribery, he appealed, and the case wound up before the Supreme Court.
The Republicans overturned the mayor’s conviction. Writing for the majority, Justice Brett Kavanaugh declared that the related law was silly. The $13,000 wasn’t a bribe. It was “an innocuous or benign gratuity.”¹ “Be realistic,” he wrote. “When guys give a friend a $13,000 ’thank you’ for handing them a million-dollar contract, that’s just a friendly fist bump between bros.”
Thus, according to Kavanaugh’s logic:
- It’s not a bribe if a city manager awards a garbage collection contract to a company, and the owner expresses her thanks by giving him a $100 Dunkin’ Donuts gift card.¹
- It’s not a bribe if a county commissioner votes to fund a school athletic facility, and a sports equipment supplier sends her a “thank you” note containing a $200 Nike gift card.¹
- It wasn’t a bribe when 1) Justice Neil Gorsuch sold a forty-acre chunk of land in Colorado to an old buddy for $1.8 million. 2) The buddy brought a case against the Environmental Protection Agency before the Court. 3) Gorsuch didn’t recuse himself because of the conflict of interest and ruled in his friend’s favor.³ Kavanaugh wouldn’t consider that unethical. It’d just be Neil’s way of saying gracias, nice doing business with you.
- It wasn’t a bribe when Justice Clarence Thomas and his wife, Ginni, were treated to all-expense vacations at exclusive resorts by a Republican megadonor.⁴ Nor that Clarence and Ginni cruised around New Zealand and Indonesia aboard his 162-foot superyacht. Thomas never recused himself from hearing cases his buddy brought before the Court and repeatedly ruled in his chum’s favor.⁵ But Kavanaugh would figure that’s ok. Clarence just squared things with the guy for not filling his yacht’s gas tank after borrowing it.
Federal prosecutors were appalled by the Court’s ruling. From then on, it’d be well-nigh impossible to convict politicians of bribery. Payoffs, kickbacks, boodle, and baksheesh could be explained away as mere tokens of appreciation. Thus, Kavanaugh’s opinion wasn’t a game-changer. It flipped over the table.
The Republican Supremes, on the other hand, took advantage of the ruling to expand the range of gifts they could receive from friends. Up until then, they’d accepted only trifles which couldn’t be perceived as able to influence their decisions. Things like:
- Hickory Farms® summer sausage and cheese assortments;
- Harry & David® pear and apple baskets; and
- Omaha Steaks® franks and brats boxes.
From now on, the Republicans felt free to troll for big-dollar gratuities. To do it, they’d use the greatest solicitation site since hookers invented the street corner: the GoFundMe crowdfunding platform.⁶
Each justice set up their own GoFundMe page. The page presented the justice’s wish list. Only Republican fat cats could make donations. But to avoid the appearance of impropriety, the justices posted a disclaimer at the top of their pages. “Donations are just gratuities”, it said. “They won’t buy a donor any favors. There’s no quid. No pro. And most certainly no quo.”⁷
Justice Kavanaugh Overturns Precedents In Over-The-Top Threads
Justice Kavanaugh was the first to set up a GoFundMe page. He was tempted to ask for what used to be his favorite gift: “Contempt of Court” fart cushions. He’d sneak one onto another justice’s seat, so they’d let out a butt blast when they sat down to hear a case.
Instead, he requested something to replace the dull, black frock he normally wore when hearing a case: the complete line of Christian Dior judge’s robes. It included a:
- Royal blue floor-length taffeta and organza jacquard formal;
- Blood-red mid-length regalia floral;
- White sequined fit ’n flare mini robe;
- For casual court cases, a white and navy blue toile de jouy shirtrobe;
- For cases heard during the cocktail hour, a lavender crepe ruffle robe; and
- That sophisticated little number every justice should have in their chambers, the Little Black Robe — with pearls, of course.
Justice Gorsuch Helps Gals Be All They Can Be
Justice Neil Gorsuch used his GoFundMe page to get out of the doghouse with women. During his Senate Confirmation hearing in 2017, he was asked if Roe v. Wade, the case that assured women the right to “an abortion until a fetus becomes viable”,⁸ “was decided correctly.”⁹ Gorsuch replied that Roe “is a precedent of the Supreme Court. Precedents are why the rule of law in this country works so well. Once a case is settled, what was once a hotly contested issue is no longer a hotly contested issue. We move forward.”⁹
The first chance he got, however, Gorsuch went backward: he overturned Roe.¹⁰ “But I didn’t lie during my confirmation hearing,” said Gorsuch. “I just neglected to tell the truth under oath.”
To repair his image with women, Gorsuch posted a request on his GoFundMe page for someone to underwrite a woman’s scholarship event with him as the master of ceremonies. That sounded laudable. What Neil had in mind, however, was a wet T-shirt contest with a first prize of fifty bucks.
Justice Alito Is Takin’ It To The Streets
Justice Samuel Alito fancied himself America’s foremost authority on constitutional law. Consequently, his law clerks figured he’d use his GoFundMe page to re-stock his law library. Nope. Sam wanted a Batmobile.
It’s because Justice Alito is the Court’s chief culture warrior. He considers it his mission “to return our country to a place of godliness.”¹¹ He can do only so much during his day job on the bench. So he wants to dress up as a Christian caped crusader and cruise around at night in a Batmobile, stamping out the civil rights of godless liberals.
His wife, Martha-Ann, suggested he start with feminazis, Pride flag fliers, and election denier-deniers.¹¹
But Justice Alito wants to take down a greater threat to our country: left-wing yard signs. Just last week, he rented a ’66 Batmobile, then made a midnight drive through his Fort Hunt, Virginia neighborhood, stealing signs as he went. He snagged dozens displaying godless Commie slogans like:
- “Don’t Forget To Vote”;
- “Grab ’Em By The Ballot”;
- “Vote for Megatron. Optimus is past his Prime”;¹² and
- “Don’t Elect Erectile Dysfunction In 2024”.
Chief Justice Roberts Busts Out Of His Heartbreak Hotel
The clerks for John Roberts thought he’d use his GoFundMe page to replace his faded taupe flannel suit with a duller shade of gray. That’s because Roberts is a colorless conservative. He sits front and center on the bench yet he blends in with the paneling. He’s the Court’s Chief Justice yet his colleagues talk down to him like he was a law clerk.
But here’s something which previously stayed between Roberts and his dachshund: he longs to get gussied up, take the stage, and rock the house. So he did something totally unexpected. Roberts requested funds to buy a white sequined American Eagle jumpsuit with red-lined kick pleats and a blue-lined cape, then put on an arena show where he could unleash his inner Elvis. He already has a song list in mind. First up: Roberts’s own version of “Return To Sender.”
🎵Your brief appealed your conviction
It asked me to acquit
I didn’t like your diction
So here’s what I did with it:
I told my law clerk ‘Return to sender…’🎵
Justice Barrett Gets In Touch With Herself
Justice Amy Coney Barrett didn’t use her GoFundMe page to solicit six-figure tips for services rendered. She didn’t ask anyone to finance a vanity project. Instead, she wanted an opportunity for personal growth.
It was because people were saying mean things about her. No, not what Republican women said behind her back when she joined the Supreme Court. That she’s too skinny to be a Supreme. She’s not a cool kid like Sammy Alito or Clary Thomas. She looks like she’s wearing her frumpy aunt’s shabby black muu muu. And she stuffs her Supreme black bra with socks to make herself look boobilicious on the bench. (Which, by the way, is what Barrett said about the liberal female justices when they joined the Supreme Court.)
No, Amy’s feelings were hurt because, after she voted to overturn Roe v. Wade, people accused her of being a goody-two-shoes Christian fundamentalist who’s been brainwashed into thinking men know what’s best for a woman’s uterus.
“That’s not true,” said Justice Barrett. “For starters, I’m not a Christian fundamentalist. I’m just your average member of a secretive Christian parachurch¹³ called People of Praise.¹⁴ We’re non-denominational. Anyone can walk through our doors, so long as they swear a lifelong loyalty oath and donate at least five percent of their annual earnings to the group.¹⁵ Of course, if we find out you’re gay, the child of a same-sex couple, or fornicating outside the bounds of marriage, we’ll chase you right back out.¹⁶ Granted, only men can hold leadership positions. But the boys let me become a handmaid,¹⁶ so I could mentor other women to be submissive to them. I’m glad to be a member of People of Praise. Because yes, I was raised Catholic. But when it comes to gays and fornication, the Catholic Church was too liberal for me.”
“The thing is,” continued Barrett, “people think my oath of obedience to a Christian covenant community¹⁷ conflicts with my Supreme Court oath to be an impartial judge.¹⁸ They’re wrong. It’s just a coincidence that I’m the only woman on the Court who voted to overturn Roe, which allowed states to prevent women from obtaining medical care even for even conditions which are life-threatening. I may let states outlaw contraceptives, too.¹⁹ And I ruled that, like the men who run my church, President Trump can’t be held responsible for anything he does wrong.”²⁰
Even so, Justice Barrett knew she’d lived a cloistered life. And it might do her good to try new things and explore new passions. So she posted a request for an all-expense-paid week at an orgasm camp.²¹
Her first choice was Camp Climax For Girls.
According to the brochure, it’s your typical summer camp. The first thing on the schedule, for instance, is “Orientation.” Only at Camp Climax, that means exploring your sexual orientation.
After that, campers do the usual summer camp stuff. They attend workshops in the morning.
- “Arousing your partner: they have a foot fetish, so firm up your cuticles.”
- “Sexual incompatibility: your partner has a tight space, but you’re claustrophobic.”
- “Romantic advice: if you’re a spectrophiliac, don’t date a ghostbuster.”²²
There are arts and crafts in the afternoon.
- Ropework. Campers learn to braid bondage ropes and tie knots, so they can hold their partner in place while seeing how far they’ll go.
- Woodworking. Campers whittle a dildo. Or as they say at Camp Climax, “make a selfie stick.”
Time is always set aside for play. Campers can:
- Take bareback pony rides to achieve a horsegasm;
- Twirl around in a hula hoop with yoni eggs in their hoo-ha;
- Do a twisted version of Twister® which lets players work out their kinks;
- Pair up for rounds of “Sex Position” charades; and
- Play vibrator tag. It’s like flashlight tag, only campers go through way more batteries.
Justice Barrett especially liked the traditional evening event. That’s when campers Kegel ‘round the campfire, make s’mores, tell scary strap-on stories, and sing songs like “The Hokey Pokey.”
(Sung in the key of G-spot).
🎵You put your dildo in, you take your dildo out.
You put your dildo in and you shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.
That’s what it’s all about!🎵
Justice Thomas Wants A New Ride
As for Justice Clarence Thomas, he used his GoFundMe page to ask for a car loan. His recreational vehicle is getting old; he wants to replace it. Granted, he could have gone to a bank. But there were disadvantages to taking that route.
- A bank would require Thomas to repay the loan. A Republican megadonor won’t. Case in point: Anthony Welters, a healthcare tycoon, loaned Thomas $267,000 to buy a Prevost Le Mirage XL Martin luxury motor coach. Then Welters forgave the loan.²³ (A coincidence hardly worth mentioning: Welters had brought cases before the Supreme Court.)
- A bank might not give Thomas an RV loan in the first place. A Republican fat cat will. Welters, for instance, loaned Thomas $267,000, even though Thomas had a $496,000 mortgage and a $50,000 line of credit, but his Supreme Court salary was just $167,900.²⁴
- Even if Thomas’s financial situation has improved, a bank won’t cover the cost of the RV he has in mind. Yes, his Prevost Martin motorcoach has been good enough so far. It has leather-upholstered seats, a plush sofa, a fully-equipped kitchenette, a bedroom, a bathroom and shower, a clothes washer and dryer, and central air conditioning and heating. It’s a “condo on wheels.”²⁴ But now Thomas wants an RV that’s roomier — and yes, a bit more expensive.
[1]: “Snyder v. United States”, Supreme Court of the United States, https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/23pdf/23-108_8n5a.pdf
[2]: “The Court Can’t Think Straight When It Comes to Corruption”, The Atlantic, https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/06/supreme-court-corruption-snyder-v-united-states/678809/
[3]: “Justice Neil Gorsuch’s property sale to prominent lawyer raises more ethical questions”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2023/04/25/politics/gorsuch-property-sale-lawyer-ethics/index.html
[4]: “Clarence Thomas and the Billionaire”, ProPublica, https://www.propublica.org/article/clarence-thomas-scotus-undisclosed-luxury-travel-gifts-crow
[5]: “Harlan Crow Has a Stake in 4 SCOTUS Cases — and Thomas Hasn’t Recused”, truthout, https://truthout.org/articles/report-harlan-crow-has-a-stake-in-4-scotus-cases-and-thomas-hasnt-recused/
[6]: GoFundMe, https://www.gofundme.com/
[7]: “Quid pro quo”, Cornell Law School, https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/quid_pro_quo
[8]: “Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113 (1973)”, Justia, https://supreme.justia.com/cases/federal/us/410/113/
[9]: “What Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Barrett Said About Roe at Confirmation Hearings”, FactCheck, https://www.factcheck.org/2022/05/what-gorsuch-kavanaugh-and-barrett-said-about-roe-at-confirmation-hearings/
[10]: “Dobbs, State Health Officer Of The Mississippi Department Of Health, et al. v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization et al.”, Supreme Court of the United States, https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/21pdf/19-1392_6j37.pdf
[11]: “Martha-Ann Alito Can’t Wait to Let Her Freak Flag Fly”, The Nation, https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/martha-ann-alito-catholic-flag/
[12]: “Megatron”, Transformers Prime Wiki, https://transformers-prime.fandom.com/wiki/Megatron
[13]: “The Parachurch in Light of the Church”, For The Church, https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/the-parachurch-in-light-of-the-church/
[14]: People of Praise Christian Community, https://peopleofpraise.org/
[15]: “How Charismatic Catholic Groups Like Amy Coney Barrett’s People of Praise Inspired ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’”, Newsweek, https://www.newsweek.com/amy-coney-barrett-people-praise-group-inspired-handmaids-tale-1533293
[16]: “Legal claims shed light on founder of faith group tied to Amy Coney Barrett”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/jun/06/people-of-praise-accused-child-abuse-amy-coney-barrett
[17]: “Why Amy Coney Barrett’s Religious Beliefs Aren’t Off Limits”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2020/09/24/supreme-courtreligious-beliefs-420863#
[18]: “Oaths of Office”, Supreme Court of the United States, https://www.supremecourt.gov/about/oath/oathsofoffice.aspx
[19]: “Unacceptable”, Alliance For Justice, https://afj.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Barrett-Becket-Fund-Letter.pdf
[20]: “Trump v. United States”, Supreme Court of the United States, https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/23pdf/23-939_e2pg.pdf
[21]: “Orgasm Workshops Are a Thing, and These Are the Best Ones to Try”, Matador Network, https://matadornetwork.com/read/best-orgasm-workshops/
[22]: “An Expert Explains “Spectrophilia,” aka Ghost Sex”, Cosmopolitan, https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a29416065/ghost-sex-what-is-spectrophilia/
[23]: “Most of Justice Thomas’ $267,000 loan for an RV seems to have been forgiven”, AP News, https://apnews.com/article/supreme-court-clarence-thomas-motorcoach-loan-ethics-afed2073e0d7cf4a994256ce35d5063f#
[24]: “Clarence Thomas’s $267,230 R.V. and the Friend Who Financed It”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2023/08/05/us/clarence-thomas-rv-anthony-welters.html
