HIS CRACK IS SHOWING

Trump Offers Americans A Way To Get Cheap Eggs

Said Trump, “I just resurrected Easter.”

“I know how to get things done. I wasn’t laid yesterday.” The Guardian. Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

I’m President Donald J. Trump, and I’m pleased to announce that I just saved Easter by making eggs affordable again. That’s by giving you, the American people, the ability to supply yourself with eggs. I did it with two executive orders.

1. Every homeowner may have a backyard chicken coop. That’s even in cities, towns, and villages that prohibit residential poultry.¹
2. Homeowners don’t have to limit themselves to egg-layers recognized by the American Poultry Association.² Effective today, they can raise ginormous chickens obtained from science fiction movies.

This is the greatest thing since chickens learned to lay scrambled eggs! You don’t need to buy your huevos at the grocery; you can get ’em from your backyard. You don’t have to pay high prices for them; your chickens’ll lay ’em for free.

Best of all, you don’t have to settle for a “jumbo”³ egg made by a piddly-ass henpecker. You can have mega-eggs laid by a monster motherclucker.

• A Speckled Sussex-saurus.
• A Rumpless Tyranno-Leghorn.
• A White Silkie Bronto-Bantam.
• A Black Jersey Pachy-Pullet.
• A Rhode Island Red Velociraptor.

A homeowner checks out a fresh-laid egg in her backyard chicken coop. Mothra Vs. Godzilla (1964). Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

I realize this is overdue. During my presidential campaign, I said, “Eggs are up 46 percent. When I win, I will immediately bring prices down.”⁴

I didn’t. When I was inaugurated, the average grocery store price of a dozen Grade A eggs was $4.95.⁵ As of April 10th, it’s $6.23.⁵ On my watch, the price of eggs has skyrocketed by eighty percent.

I wonder why the Dow and Nasdaq graphs don’t look like this. Chart by the American Farm Bureau Federation. Data supplied by the Agricultural Marketing Service and the National Agricultural Statistics Service, U. S. Department of Agriculture.

Unfortunately, you people won’t shut up about it. That’s even after I posted a message on Truth Social which told you to shut the cluck up.⁶

But now I’ve solved the problem with these executive orders.

Some people won’t believe it. They think my executive orders are nutty.

Like the one to “make America’s showers great again.”⁷ It eliminates the federal guideline that shower heads should allow water to flow at the rate of 2.5 gallons per minute. That makes shower heads “weak and worthless.”⁷ “I like a nice shower to take care of my beautiful hair. You have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes until it gets wet.”⁸

Well, my orders to raise science fiction chickens are a stroke of genius.

I realize some Americans don’t know how to raise cluckers in their backyards. So I’ve included my personal suggestions for how to do it. I’ll sum them up here.

First, build a coop in your backyard. Make it sturdy so the chickens can’t peck it apart.

This happens when you use cheap materials. The Giant Claw (1957). Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

Be careful when you open the door to the coop to feed and water the chickens. It’s hard to catch ‘em when they escape and shove ’em back in.

Try offering them something to peck at. Mysterious Island (1961). Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

It’s even harder to catch the layers and peckers if they hit the roof.

Keep a ladder handy in the garage. The Giant Claw (1957). Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

It’s ok to free-range them in your yard. Just put up a chainlink fence first. If they wander into your neighbor’s yard, they may tear up their lawn.

If your chickens do any damage, be nice and pay for the repairs. Grappa The Triphibian Monster (1967). Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

You can take them for a walk in your neighborhood. Just check first to see if they need to be on a leash.

Remember to carry a poopy bag. Sleeper (1973). Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

But don’t let them stroll downtown on their own, even though passersby will think they’re cute.

Why did the chickens cross the street? Because they effing felt like it. Art by John Brosio. Photo by Andrew Patrick Ralston on Flickr.

Regardless of where your chickens roam, never allow them to run with scissors.

If they have them, think twice before trying to take them away. “The 25 Worst Power Rangers Monsters”, Ranker. Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

Chickens are very sensitive about their appearance.

A face only a motherclucker could love. The Giant Claw (1957). Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

If you make fun of them, they tend to take it badly.

At this point, you should consider apologizing. The Vulture (1967). Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

Especially if garden tools are lying around.

If it gets this far, give the chicken some space. The Killer Chicken by mp32as on Deviant Art.

Finally, you and the kids will want to color your eggs for Easter. Ensure they’re unfertilized. You don’t want something weird to pop out while you’re dyeing them.

You may not want to use this one to make egg salad. Ovomorph egg, Xenopedia, screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

[1]: Example of a prohibited animals ordinance. “610.01 Prohibited animals,” Traverse City, Michigan, Municode, https://library.municode.com/mi/traverse_city/codes/code_of_ordinances?nodeId=PTSIXGEOFCO_CH610AN_610.01PRAN

[2]: “Accepted Breeds and Varieties”, American Poultry Association, https://amerpoultryassn.com/accepted-breeds-varieties/

[3]: “Egg Quality & Sizing”, Department of Animal & Food Sciences, University of Kentucky, https://afs.ca.uky.edu/files/2-egg_quality_and_sizing.pdf

[4]: “Press Conference: Donald Trump Speaks to Reporters in Bedminster, New Jersey — August 15, 2024”, Roll Call, https://rollcall.com/factbase/trump/transcript/donald-trump-press-conference-bedminster-new-jersey-august-15-2024/

[5]: “US egg prices increase to record high, dashing hopes of cheap eggs by Easter”, AP News, https://apnews.com/article/egg-prices-bird-flu-cpi-b0ded420e9f7c0a707277c9c63396a76

[6]: “Shut Up About Egg Prices — Trump Is Saving Consumers Millions”, @realDonaldTrump account, Truth Social, https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/114127531136521705

[7]: “Fact Sheet: President Donald J. Trump Makes America’s Showers Great Again”, The White House, https://www.whitehouse.gov/fact-sheets/2025/04/fact-sheet-president-donald-j-trump-makes-americas-showers-great-again/

[8]: “Restoring shower freedom: Trump signs order to undo water pressure standards“, Axios, https://www.axios.com/2025/04/10/trump-shower-heads-water-pressure-order-obama-biden