CONSISTENCE IS FUTILE
Trump Woos Illegal Aliens
They’re no longer “poisoning the blood of our country.”¹
In an effort to increase his share of women voters, Donald Trump is courting female illegal aliens. Republicans are dumbfounded. Granted, Trump flip-flops whenever he thinks it’ll help him attract voters. When it comes to abortion, for instance, Trump has said
- “I’m very pro-choice”² (1999);
- “I’m the most pro-life president in American history”³ (2023);
- “My Administration will be great for women and their reproductive rights”⁴ (August 23, 2024); and
- “I’ll be voting no”⁵ on the Florida ballot measure to protect abortion rights (August 30, 2024).
Even so, Trump consistently demonized aliens who entered the United States from down under. Now he was welcoming the ones who arrived from up above.
Trump’s flip-flop was understandable. According to a poll of women voters, he trails Harris by thirteen points.⁶ His female support is in “free fall,”⁷ said an aide to a Republican senator. Indeed, even two Republican women in the Senate, Susan Collins of Maine and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska, have announced they won’t vote for Trump.
To scrounge up more women, Trump has been appealing to low propensity female voters. Those are “individuals who are eligible to vote but have a history of infrequent participation in elections.”⁸ It’s because they “don’t think an election impacts them that much,” said a Republican pollster. “In a tight election, Trump is betting that disaffected, low-propensity voters will help him win.⁹ And no one has less propensity to vote than someone from another planet.”
Trump wasted no time going after alien women. Last week, he won the endorsement of Xenomorph moms.
Xenomorphs are endoparasitoid extraterrestrials whose sole purpose is to propagate their species and kill anyone who gets in their way.¹⁰
Granted, that sounds harsh. But Trump preferred to focus on things Xenomorph and MAGA moms have in common. For instance,
- MAGA moms want to ban the teaching of Critical Race Theory (CRT)¹¹ in K-12 schools. CRT is an academic discipline which examines racism in government, legal, and economic policies. Oh, and it isn’t taught in K-12 schools.
- Xenomorph moms want to ban the teaching of Critical Human Race Theory. CHuRT posits that human actors are paid less than aliens in science fiction TV shows and movies. Xenomorphs contend that people are paid lots more!
Trump agreed with both species of moms. “Regarding CRT,” he said, “teaching this horrible doctrine to our children is a form of child abuse.¹¹ Likewise, teaching CHuRT is a form of Xenomorph larva abuse.”
But though Trump has consistently condemned “woke indoctrination,” he flip-flopped when it came to Xenomorph reproduction. It had to do with how Xenomorphs use human surrogates to bear their babies.
Xenomorph moms lay eggs. Each egg hatches into a parasitoid larvae called a “Facehugger.” It’s so-named because the larvae leaps onto whatever human happens by, affixes itself to their face, thrusts an appendage down their throat, and deposits an embryo in the human’s chest.¹⁰ After gestating a few hours, a baby Xenomorph springs forth from the person’s chest. Admittedly, this is hard on the host. Indeed, that’s why the baby is called a “Chestburster.”
Trump’s position on Facehuggers was consistent with his stance on IVF. “I have been a leader on in vitro fertilization,”¹² he said. “I also think ‘In Your Face Fertilization’ is a great way to go.”
But Trump did an about-face on the subject of surrogates. He has asserted — falsely — that Democrats “support [a baby’s] execution after birth.”¹³ Trump has described that as “unacceptable.” But to ingratiate himself to Xenomorphs, he said it’s wrong to abort a baby after birth, it’s okay to abort the surrogate. That was enough for the Xenomorphs to endorse Trump.
Buoyed by his success at attracting one group of alien women, Trump went after another: Borg babes.
The Borg¹⁴ are cybernetic humanoids. They’re well known, thanks to the Star Trek TV and movie franchise, for attacking the United Federation of Planets during the twenty-fourth century.
When it comes to low propensity voters, they don’t come lower than the Borg. The Borg don’t vote; they just “assimilate” voters. Specifically, the Borg inject people with microscopic robotic devices called nanoprobes.¹⁵ Those alter the human’s biology to turn them into Borg.
Next, the humans are implanted with cybernetic devices which link them to the Borg’s hive mind.¹⁶ Finally, the hive turns the person into a drone by erasing their identity, canceling their free will, and dictating their thoughts and actions.
That would make most people reluctant to be around the Borg. Not Donald J. Trump. To him, Borg drones and MAGA minions were practically the same. “Come to think of it,” said Trump, “my kids are like Borg drones. They’re mindless, soul-less slugs. If only I could inject ‘em with my manoprobes which made them just like me.”
Trump made his pitch for the votes of Borg women at their Intergalactic Borg Soirée (IBS) in Orlando, Florida. He began by bragging about a policy to appeal to the Borg. “I love the Ten Commandments in public schools,”¹⁷ he said. “Vote for me, and I’ll post the Borg Commandments in classrooms, too.”
- “Your life as it has been is over.”
- “You will be assimilated.”
- “Resistance is futile.”¹⁸
“My Evangelical supporters will go along with it,” he assured the Borg.“They’ve been trying to assimilate kids for years.”
Next, Trump addressed Borg concerns about child care. He made his position crystal clear.
- “It’s a very important issue. Child care is child care. It’s — couldn’t — you know, it’s something. I have to say with child care — I want to stay with child care. This is about Make America Great Again. We have to do it because right now we’re a failing nation. So we’ll take care of it. Thank you. Very good question.”¹⁹
The Borg took that to mean Trump supported their approach to daycare. Which included plugging in the human kids they cared for.
But then, only fifteen minutes into his speech, Trump began to flip-flop.
He acknowledged he supports state laws to “prohibit students from using cell phones during class time.”²⁰ “But I’ll make exceptions for Borg children,” he said. “What’s the harm if a kid has a few electronic devices in them?”
Trump turned to the subject of gender identity pronouns. During a recent interview with Laura Ingraham, a Fox News personality, he said “I don’t want pronouns.²¹ That’s part of the liberal agenda. Let me assure you: I don’t have a genda.”
But Trump backpedaled in his speech to the Borg. Though their drones have sex organs, he’d been told, the hive regarded them as sexless. So Trump switched gears and said gender identity pronouns were fine. “You can call yourselves they/them,” he said. “You can even call me they/them. Or he/she or him/her. Just so long as you vote for me. I don’t want to be a was/were.”
Trump has condemned public schools for performing transition surgeries on children. [Fact check: it’s never happened.] “Can you imagine you’re a parent and your son leaves the house and you say, ‘Jimmy, I love you so much, go have a good day in school,’ and your son comes back with a brutal operation?”²²
But when Trump spoke to the Borg, he did an about-face. “Schools should forcibly transition certain students. Especially fans of Taylor Swift. I hate Taylor Swift!²⁹ I wish the Borg would assimilate her Swifties.” [Fact check: when Taylor Swift assimilates someone, they can’t be assimilated by someone else.]
Trump ended his speech with his most astonishing flip-flop. A week earlier, he’d gained the endorsement of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. by endorsing RFK’s favorite conspiracy theory: vaccines contain “fully programmable” nanoprobes²³ which make people transmit the coronavirus to each other over 5G cellular phone networks.²⁴ “I agree with Bobby,” said Trump. “Nanoprobes are the most terrible, horrible, no-good probes there are.”
Now, speaking to the Borg, Trump did a one-eighty and said he loved nanoprobes. “Borg nanoprobes are phenomenal,” he gushed. “They’re the best probes ever. People will love getting injected with them so much, they’ll ask you to assimilate them twice just to get an extra neck-full of nanoprobes.”
Unlike his other flip-flops, Trump walked that one back within days. It was following a rally in Alabama where he declared his support for vaccines and being assimilated. “I believe totally in your freedoms. But I recommend you take the vaccines²⁵ and get injected with nanoprobes.” To Trump’s surprise, the crowd booed. Clearly, he’d stepped in nanopoop.
Fortunately, he came up with a compromise which satisfied MAGA fanatics, pleased RFK Jr., and bagged another block of female voters.
They were members of the Order of the Gash²⁶ [yes gang, that’s really its name]. They’re Cenobite demons who seek “the ultimate experiences in carnal sensation.”²⁷
Trump didn’t endorse the Gash’s goal to gain its endorsement. He just used the ploy which had won an endorsement from Kennedy. Trump promised that, if he regained the presidency, he’d nominate RFK Jr. to be his Secretary of Health and Human Services.²⁸ That would allow Kennedy to transform his vaccine conspiracy theories into public policy.
Likewise, Trump promised the Gash he’d appoint their leader, Pinhead, to be the director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That allowed Trump to thread an exceptionally small needle. He could tell rational voters he encouraged people to get vaccinated. Yet he could assure conspiracy theorists he discouraged vaccinations: if Pinhead’s face didn’t make people fear needles, nothing would.
[1]: “Trump says immigrants are ‘poisoning the blood of our country.’ Biden campaign likens comments to Hitler.”, Wisconsin Examiner, https://wisconsinexaminer.com/2024/01/29/trump-knows-exactly-what-poisoning-the-blood-or-our-country-meant/
[2]: “Comparing Trump’s Stance on Abortion Over Time”, U.S. News, https://www.usnews.com/news/national-news/articles/quotes-comparing-trumps-stance-on-abortion-over-time
[3]: “Trump declares himself the ‘most pro-life’ president in American history”, Independent, https://www.the-independent.com/tv/news/donald-trump-abortion-speech-president-b2363772.html
[4]: Donald J. Trump account, Truth Social, https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113012083325505976
[5]: “Trump to vote against Florida abortion measure after backlash”, BBC, https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cy547v72nd4o
[6]: “Gender in the 2024 election”, Ipsos, https://www.ipsos.com/en-us/gender-2024-election
[7]: “Republicans fret over Trump’s free fall among women”, The Hill, https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4860681-trump-support-among-women-voters/
[8]: “Low Propensity Voters”, Political Dictionary, https://politicaldictionary.com/words/low-propensity-voters/
[9]: “Why Trump’s Unity Picks Are Not Very Unifying”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/04/us/politics/trump-rfk-jr-gabbard-musk.html
[10]: “Xenomorph XX121”, Xenopedia, https://avp.fandom.com/wiki/Xenomorph_XX121_(Alien)
[11]: “Critical race theory, and Trump’s war on it, explained”, Vox, https://www.vox.com/2020/9/24/21451220/critical-race-theory-diversity-training-trump
[12]: “Trump sells himself as a ‘leader’ on IVF”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2024/09/12/trump-ivf-gop-roe-abortion-00178760
[13]: “Donald Trump is wrong on Democrats’ abortion stance. They don’t support the ‘execution’ of babies”, Poynter, https://www.poynter.org/fact-checking/2024/trump-abortion-stance-states-exeptions-national-limit/
[14]: “Borg”, Memory Alpha, https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Borg
[15]: “Nanoprobe”, Memory Alpha, https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Nanoprobe
[16]: “Group Mind, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Group_mind_(science_fiction)
[17]: realDonaldTrump account, Truth Social, https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/112652932740211401
[18]: “Assimilation”, Memory Alpha, https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Assimilation
[19]: “Trump’s rambling answer to a child care question, deconstructed”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2024/09/06/politics/child-care-trump-what-matters/index.html
[20]: “Florida Gov. DeSantis signs bill to ban students from using phones and TikTok in schools”, Orlando Weekly, https://www.orlandoweekly.com/news/florida-gov-desantis-signs-bill-to-ban-students-from-using-phones-and-tiktok-in-schools-34164256
[21]: “‘I don’t want pronouns’: Trump asked if he’s gender-fluid in Fox interview”, Salon, https://www.salon.com/2024/08/01/i-dont-want-pronouns-asked-if-hes-gender-fluid-in-fox-interview/
[22]: “Trump repeats false claims that children are undergoing transgender surgery during the school day”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-politics-and-policy/trump-false-claims-schools-transgender-surgeries-rcna170217
[23]: “No, COVID vaccines don’t contain nanotechnology that can be programmed via 5G wireless networks”, AP News, https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-covid-mrna-vaccine-nanotech-390958734912
[24]: “Coronavirus: Scientists brand 5G claims ‘complete rubbish’”, BBC, https://www.bbc.com/news/52168096
[25]: “Trump booed at Alabama rally after telling supporters to get vaccinated”, NBC News https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-booed-alabama-rally-after-telling-supporters-get-vaccinated-n1277404
[26]: “Order of the Gash”, Headhunter’s Horror House Wiki, https://headhuntershorrorhouse.fandom.com/wiki/Order_of_the_Gash
[27]: “Cenobites”, Headhunter’s Horror House Wiki, https://headhuntershorrorhouse.fandom.com/wiki/Cenobites
[28]: “Alarm grows over possible RFK Jr. role at HHS if Trump wins”, The Hill, https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4864717-robert-kennedy-hhs-role-donald-trump/
[29]: “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!”, realDonaldTrump account, X, https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113142103182027626