LIFE UNDER THE PATRIARCHY
Uterine Slavery
All completely legal
“Knock, knock, knock.” The door to the suburban home swung open.
GROVE: Mr. Brown?
BROWN: Yes?
GROVE: Mr. Frederick D. Brown? This is your house?
BROWN: Yes. What’s this about?
GROVE: I’m Federal Marshal Nathan Bedford Grove, and I’m here on official business. You can see I have with me Marshal Davis and Marshal Calhoun. We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive.
BROWN: A fugitive?
GROVE: Yes. We’re looking to apprehend the uterus of one Harriet T. Mann. Yesterday, Ms. Mann boarded a plane in Alabama bound for this city. She was pregnant when she boarded that plane, and it is my job to keep her that way.
BROWN: I think you’d better leave.
GROVE: I can’t do that, Sir. I have a pair of warrants here. The first is for the fugitive uterus, and the second is for a search of this house.
BROWN: Let me see those! Hmmm… This thing says, “It is the duty of all marshals and deputy marshals to obey and execute all warrants…Hmmm… shall grant certificates to such claimants, upon satisfactory proof being made, with authority to take and remove such fugitives from any harbor, under the restrictions herein contained, to the State or Territory from which such uteri may have escaped or fled.”
GROVE: That is correct, Sir.
BROWN: Get out of here you piece of…
GROVE: Don’t close that door! I have the legal authority and right to take Ms. Mann’s uterus back to Alabama where the human she carries will be born.
BROWN: How can you possibly think you have the right…
GROVE: By the Fugitive Uterus Act of 2025. Additionally, you need to know the following: “Any person who shall aid, abet, or assist such uteri; or shall harbor or conceal such fugitive, so as to prevent the discovery and arrest of such person carrying said uterus, after notice or knowledge of the fact that such person was a fugitive carries a pregnant uterus as aforesaid, shall, for said offenses, be subject to a fine not exceeding one hundred thousand dollars, and imprisonment not exceeding sixty months.” Y‘all need to get out of our way. We’re coming in.
BROWN: This is ridiculous! AND, you miscreants are wasting your time. You won’t find a uterus here.
GROVE: You’d better hope that we do, Mr. Brown. Otherwise, you’ll quite likely be arrested as a conductor on the Underground Airline. You’re treading on thin northern ice, Mr. Brown.
BROWN: Why you degenerate, despicable, deplorable…
GROVE: Clearly, Mr. Brown, you don’t understand. The South has risen again!
BROWN: Well God help us! If this is rising, let us all descend.
