Featured

YOU NEED KNEEPADS, TOO

“What Must A Republican Senator Be Able To Do?”

Senator Lindsey Graham: “Ya gotta be able to drop your pants, bend over, and grab your ankles.”

Lindsey Graham speaking to students on Career Day. “Oh, and when you visit Mar-a-Lago, bring lube.” Image by Deep AI. Prompt by Catherne La Grange.

The following is a recent Career Day presentation by the Honorable Lindsey Graham, United States Senator from South Carolina, at Risen Christ Christian Academy in Myrtle Beach.

Good morning kids. I’m Senator Lindsey Graham, and I’m here to answer the question I hear most often on Career Days: “How do I become a Republican senator? Most senators start out as lawyers.¹ Should I do that?” No. If you want to become a Republican senator, don’t start out as a lawyer and work your way up. Start out as a prostitute and work your way down.

I realize that sounds absurd. But the fact is, being a prostitute and a Republican senator are quite similar. Prostitutes provide “johns” with sex for money. Senators provide fat cats, lobbyists, and fellow politicians with favors for money and power. Prostitutes do things which are humiliating. So do senators.

There are just two differences between prostitutes and Republican senators.

1. Prostitutes service multiple johns. Republican senators service just one: Donald John Trump.
2. A prostitute tells a john what she’s willing to do and what it’ll cost. Trump doesn’t work that way. Trump could tell a senator to prance around his golf course in a tutu and shag his balls. Unlike a prostitute, the senator can’t haggle over the price. And he can’t say no.

Oh wait, I just remembered: that’s not a hypothetical. Trump made one of my colleagues do that last week.

Ted Cruz prancing on the fairway at Mar-a-Lago: Said Ted, “At least Trump didn’t make me go commando this time.” Photo by Sccart on Flickr.

Perhaps you still can’t see how senators are like prostitutes. Well kids, look at how I and my fellow Republicans have debased ourselves to confirm Trump’s nominees.

There’s Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Trump’s choice to be the Secretary for Health and Human Services (HHS).

HHS has ~80,000 employees² and a budget of $1.7 trillion dollars.³ So you might expect a nominee to be a major-league administrator. That’s not Bobby. “He’s not a manager,”⁴ admitted a spokesperson for his political action committee. “Bobby made his bones suing companies over environmental issues. The only thing he’s good at is suing folks.”⁴

You might also think that, in the words of one observer, the “minimum qualification for being the head of HHS,” which includes the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Food and Drug Administration, and the National Institutes of Health, “is fidelity to science and scientific evidence.”⁵ Again, that’s not Bobby. He thinks:

• The coronavirus disease was deliberately created “to attack Caucasians and Black people,” and leave “Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese” alone;⁶
• Man-made chemicals in the environment make children gay or transgender, feminize boys, and make girls masculine; and⁷
• Vaccines cause autism.⁸

Yeah, those are nutcase conspiracy theories.

Nonetheless, every Republican senator save one confirmed Kennedy. That includes the four physicians among us: John Barrasso, Bill Cassidy, Roger Marshall, and Rand Paul. “What can I say,” said Senator Cassidy. “Trump threatened to do us doggy-style under the Capitol dome. I realize that makes us Trump’s bitches. But other senators have done worse. Yesterday a bunch of the boys showed their support for RFK Jr. by sashaying across the Senate floor in naughty-nurse costumes.”

Senators leave the Capitol after voting to confirm RFK Jr. Left to right, senators Markwayne Mullin, Tom Cotton, Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Ron Johnson, Chuck Grassley, Rick Scott, and Mike Lee. “PC gone mad: Hospital refuses £2,500 from charity drag parade nurses”, Express, screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

Another opportunity to put on the ol’ kneepads and service Trump was to confirm Pete Hegseth, his nominee for Secretary of the Department of Defense (DoD).

DoD is a far bigger management challenge than HHS: ~2,858,000 employees (2,079,000 military, 778,000 civilian);⁹ and a fiscal year 2025 budget of $849.8 billion.¹⁰ Pete has run only two organizations. Both were far smaller and easier to manage. Yet Pete managed to run them both into the ground.

• Pete led Vets For Freedom from 2007 to 2009. VFF is a Republican-aligned non-profit advocating for “victory in America’s ongoing War on Terrorism and support of candidates with positions consistent with this goal.“¹¹ Under Pete’s leadership, VFF’s annual revenues dropped from $8.7 million to $265,000. When he left, it had less than $1,000 in the bank and was $400,000 in debt.¹²
• Pete ran Concerned Veterans for America from 2011 to 2016. CVA is a self-described veterans’ rights group. Like VFF, it uses its “nonprofit status to [serve] the corporate and political interests” of right-wing megadonors and politicians, including the Koch brothers¹³ and Trump.¹⁴ Thanks to Pete, CVA ran deficits during most of his tenure, “including a $428,000 shortfall in 2014. By the time [he] left, CVA was carrying significant debt, including a $75,000 credit card balance.”¹²

Despite Pete’s record of managerial malpractice, every Republican senator voted to let him run DoD. That included seven senators who campaigned on their “business experience and acumen.”¹⁵

• Rick Scott, whose estimated net worth is $327 million.¹⁶
• Pete Ricketts, $161 million.¹⁶
• MarkWayne Mullin, $63 million.¹⁶
• John Hoeven, $59 million.¹⁶
• William Hagerty, $55 million.¹⁶
• James Risch, $55 million.¹⁶
• Ron Johnson, $54 million.¹⁶

“We had no choice,” said Senator Mullin. “Trump threatened to rip us a new one in the rotunda. Yeah, that makes us his bitchboys. But other guys have done worse. Last weekend, Trump put on a party for Hegseth at Mar-a-Lago. He wanted the Village People to sing ‘Macho Man,’¹⁷ but they weren’t available. So he made us senators get up there and do it.”

“I’ve got to be a macho!” Left to right, senators Rand Paul and Josh Hawley, special guest Elon Musk, and senators Ron Johnson and Tommy Tuberville. Photo by Kaos Operatic on Flickr.

Sadly children, the outcome has been the same for every one of Trump’s nominees. Trump proposes someone who is wholly unqualified, utterly bonkers, or both. Do we reject them? No. We pretend to do the ol’ “Advice and consent” thing in accordance with the Constitution.¹⁸ Then, when the time comes to vote, we stand up in the Senate Chamber, drop our drawers, bend over, and grab our ankles. It’s disgraceful but true: we’re no better than a Holiday Inn harlot.

That happened when we considered Dr. Mehmet Öz, Trump’s choice to run the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS). Oz is a board-certified quack. We voted to confirm him anyway.

We’d like to think Senator Tommy Tuberville convinced us to support Oz.

• “Never mind,” said Tommy, “that Oz says ‘You can reduce your physiologic age by six years’ if ‘you have more than 200 orgasms a year’.”¹⁹
• “Never mind he’s urged people to always examine their poop for ‘important cues about their diet and overall health’.”²⁰
• “Never mind that Columbia University yanked Oz’s ‘professor emeritus’ title because he’s ‘repeatedly shown disdain for science and for evidence-based medicine,’ and ‘manifested an egregious lack of integrity by promoting quack treatments and cures in the interest of personal financial gain’.”²¹

“What’s important is this,” said Tommy: “Oz is a really nice guy.”²²

In fact, Tommy didn’t convince us to vote for Oz. Trump did by ordering Tommy and five other senators to strip down to their skivvies in the Senate Chamber, bend over, and let Oz give each of us a finger wave.²³

“Can’t we just turn our heads and cough?” Top row left to right, senators Steve Daines, Josh Hawley, Tommy Tuberville. Bottom left to right, senators Bill Hagerty, Chuck Grassley, Bill Cassidy. Photo by Kaos Operatic on Flickr.

We didn’t acquit ourselves any better when we vetted Linda McMahon, Trump’s choice to be the Secretary of Education. Linda has a bit of educational experience. She:

• Has a bachelor’s degree in Education from East Carolina University; and
• Spent a year on the Connecticut Board of Education. (She might have stayed longer, only it got out that she’d lied about having a degree in Education.)²⁴

Nonetheless, Linda isn’t the ideal person to run the Department of Education. It’s because her work experience doesn’t line up with DoE’s mission.

The department’s goal is to help kids thrive by encouraging their academic, social, and emotional development.

Linda’s goals were somewhat different when she was the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE),²⁵ a company she co-founded in 1980, and where she worked for twenty-nine years. WWE produces extraordinarily violent content.

• TV shows like Smackdown, Vengeance Day, Fatal 4-Way, and Hell In A Cell.²⁶
• Movies such as Fighting With My Family, Vendetta, and kid’s fare like The Jetsons & WWE: Robo-WrestleMania!²⁷
• Video games with titles like No Mercy, Shut Your Mouth, and Here Comes The Pain.²⁸

In so doing, Linda has been accused of being a “force for doing ill to kids in our country.”²⁷ That WWE produces “violent and sexual imagery that is inappropriate for children.”²⁸ And under her leadership, the company had ”a culture of rampant sexual harassment, intimidation and assault.”³⁰

Trump, however, says “Linda’s stuff is family-friendly.”

“That’s good enough for us,” said the members of the Senate committee³¹ considering Linda’s nomination.

Yeah, Trump made a convincing argument. But here’s what actually convinced my fellow Republican senators to vote for Linda: Trump made Josh Hawley flounce around the Senate floor all day as a dirty schoolgirl.

Senator Josh Hawley: “At least Trump didn’t grab me by the pussy this time.” Funidelia, screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

One last example, kids. And this one shows that I myself am no better than a T Street tart. It’s Trump’s nominee to be the Director of National Intelligence (DNI), Tulsi Gabbard.

The DNI “serves as head of the U.S. Intelligence Community, overseeing and directing the implementation of the National Intelligence Program and acting as the principal advisor to the President, the National Security Council, and the Homeland Security Council for intelligence matters related to national security.”³²

Tulsi’s somewhat familiar with national security issues. She spent eight years in Congress on the Homeland Security, Armed Services, and Foreign Affairs committees.³³ She’s served in military police and civil affairs billets in the Hawaii National Guard and Army Reserve, and is currently a lieutenant colonel.³⁴

I respect Tulsi’s service to the United States. Trouble is, sometimes she serves its enemy.

Tulsi Gabbard is a “prolific peddler of Russian propaganda,”³⁵ according to a member of the intelligence community. She makes “statements that come out of the Kremlin’s notebook,”³⁵ said another. For instance, Tulsi has:

• Supported Putin’s bogus justification for invading Ukraine — that it hosted American-funded laboratories which were making biological weapons for use against Russia;³⁵
• Asserted the U.S. and NATO started the war because they’re hostile towards Putin;³⁶ and
• Condemned economic sanctions on Russia, saying they were imposed because “the U.S. has always wanted Russia to be a poor country.”³⁶

Why does Tulsi say these things? I go along with a former CIA officer who said it’s due to “naïveté, collusion, or a politically opportunistic sycophancy to echo whatever she believes Trump wants to hear.”³⁶

But don’t take my word for it that Tulsi goes overboard to make nice with Putin. Ask the Russians.

• Russian news and information agency RIA Novosti⁴⁰ has described Tulsi as a “superwoman.”⁴¹
• On the TV show Vecher,³⁷ broadcast on the state-owned channel Russia-1, host Vladimir Solovyov has described Gabbard as “our girlfriend Tulsi.”³⁸ When guest Vitaly Tretyakov asked “Is she some sort of Russian agent?”, Solovyov wisecracked “yes.”³⁸
• Yevgeny Popov, co-host of 60 Minut,³⁷ agrees. “She’s part of Trump’s radical dream team,” he gushed. “All of them personally despise Zelensky. [True,] they aren’t friends of Russia — except for Tulsi Gabbard.”³⁹

I pride myself on taking national security seriously, kids. I’ve served on the House and Senate Armed Services, International Relations, Homeland Security, Intelligence, and Foreign Relations committees.⁴² I’m a retired Air Force bird-colonel.⁴³

So when faced with Tulsi Gabbard’s stupefying lack of national security expertise and reprehensible support for a despicable regime, I did the only thing an upstanding Republican senator could do: I voted to make Tulsi our country’s Director of National Intelligence.

Why? I could give you my public statement: “Every president deserves their team. Tulsi has the trust of President Trump, and I’m sure she will serve him well.”⁴⁴

But that’s a load of crap.

Our country deserves a good team. Tulsi should have our nation’s trust. She should serve the United States well. That’s why the Constitution allows a president to “nominate Officers of the United States,” but they can actually serve only “with the Advice and Consent of the Senate.”¹⁷ Unfortunately, children, we Republican senators haven’t been vetting nominees; we’ve just turned tricks. That’s no surprise. We’ve tacitly endorsed Trump’s decision to give Elon Musk read, write, and delete access to the federal government. Likewise, we’re allowing Trump to fold, spindle, and mutilate the Constitution.

Oh, but I didn’t answer your question, kids: why did I vote to make Tulsi Gabbard the DNI? The answer is simple. I went to Mar-a-Lago to talk things over with her. When I got there, Trump showed me exactly where I stood with Tulsi.

Me and Tulsi at Mar-a-Lago. I don’t mind that she mounted me. But why’d she dig her spurs into my ass so often? “27 Dos and Don’ts for Folsom Street Fair”, Advocate, screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

[1]: “Membership of the 118th Congress: A Profile”, Congressional Research Service, https://crsreports.congress.gov/product/pdf/R/R47470

[2]: “HHS Agencies & Roles”, U. S. Department of Health and Human Services, https://www.hhs.gov/careers/working-hhs/agencies

[3]: “HHS FY 2025 Budget in Brief”, U. S. Department of Health and Human Services, https://www.hhs.gov/about/budget/fy2025/index.html

[4]: “‘He’s not a manager’: Former RFK Jr. staffers on how he’d run HHS”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2024/11/28/rfk-hhs-management-doubts-00191852

[5]: “Public Health Experts Alarmed at Trump’s Pick of RFK Jr. to Lead HHS”, TIME, https://time.com/7177027/rfk-jr-hhs-secretary-trump-public-health/

[6]: “Jewish groups denounce RFK Jr.’s false remarks that Covid-19 was ‘ethnically targeted’ to spare Jews and Chinese people”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/15/politics/rfk-jr-covid-jewish-groups/index.html

[7]: “Robert F. Kennedy Jr. repeatedly suggested that chemicals in water are impacting sexuality of children”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/13/politics/robert-kennedy-jr-chemicals-water-children-frogs/index.html

[8]: “Robert F. Kennedy Jr: Fauci ‘caused a lot of injury’”, Fox News, https://www.foxnews.com/video/6330950198112

[9]: “How many people are in the US military? A demographic overview”, USAFacts, https://usafacts.org/articles/how-many-people-are-in-the-us-military-a-demographic-overview/

[10]: “Department of Defense Releases the President’s Fiscal Year 2025 Defense Budget”, U.S. Department of Defense, https://www.defense.gov/News/Releases/Release/Article/3703410/department-of-defense-releases-the-presidents-fiscal-year-2025-defense-budget/

[11]: “Vets For Freedom (VFF)”, Library of Congress, https://www.loc.gov/item/lcwaN0007554/

[12]: “Blumenthal Criticizes Pete Hegseth’s Management Of Two Nonprofits During Senate Hearing”, CT News Junkie, https://ctnewsjunkie.com/2025/01/15/blumenthal-criticizes-pete-hegseths-management-of-two-nonprofits-during-senate-hearing/

[13]: “How the Koch brothers built the most powerful rightwing group you’ve never heard of”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/sep/26/koch-brothers-americans-for-prosperity-rightwing-political-group

[14]: “Concerned Veterans for America (CVA)”, Desmog, https://www.desmog.com/concerned-veterans-america/

[15]: “Who Are the Richest U.S. Senators?”, Investopedia, https://www.investopedia.com/articles/investing/041516/who-are-americas-7richest-senators.asp

[16]: An example is “Hovde touts business acumen, policies to Milwaukee Press Club”, The Center Square, https://www.thecentersquare.com/wisconsin/article_8b78fb5e-85a3-11ef-a6e1-7375e100a741.html

[17]: “Macho Man”, Genius, https://genius.com/Village-people-macho-man-lyrics

[18]: “ArtII.S2.C2.3.3 Process of Appointment for Principal Officers”, Constitution Annotated, https://constitution.congress.gov/browse/essay/artII-S2-C2-3-3/ALDE_00013094/

[19]: “The Dr. Oz Health Quiz”, Oprah.com, https://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/the-dr-oz-health-quiz/11

[20]: “Dr. Oz’s Five Wackiest Medical Beliefs”, Forbes, https://www.forbes.com/sites/jeffbercovici/2013/01/28/dr-ozs-five-wackiest-medical-beliefs/

[21]: “Columbia University Finally Scrubs Relationship With Dr. Oz”, MedpageToday, https://www.medpagetoday.com/special-reports/exclusives/98539

[22]: “Trump taps Dr. Oz to serve as Medicare, Medicaid administrator”, Roll Call, https://rollcall.com/2024/11/19/trump-taps-dr-oz-to-serve-as-medicare-medicaid-administrator/

[23]: “German study gives finger to Digital Rectal Exam”, Active Surveillance Patients International, https://aspatients.org/surveillor/breaking-news-german-study-gives-finger-to-digital-rectal-exam/

[24]: “Trump’s education secretary nominee once said she had an education degree. She doesn’t”, USA Today, https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/education/2024/11/20/linda-mcmahon-education-secretary-degree-discrepancy/76451271007/

[25]: World Wrestling Entertainment, https://www.wwe.com/

[26]: “Shows”, World Wrestling Entertainment, https://www.wwe.com/shows

[27]: “WWE Studios Movies”, IMDb, https://www.imdb.com/list/ls095135159/

[28]: “The Top 10 WWE Games of All Time”, IGN, https://www.ign.com/articles/the-top-10-wwe-games-of-all-time

[29]: “Her Wrestling Empire Was Said to Harm Children. Trump Chose Her for Education.”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/28/us/linda-mcmahon-education-wrestling-wwe.html

[30]: “In Connecticut, Linda McMahon had education roles before turn to national politics”, Connecticut Public Radio, https://www.ctpublic.org/news/investigative/2025-01-07/linda-mcmahon-education-experience-connecticut-history

[31]: U. S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions, Senate.gov, https://www.help.senate.gov/

[32]: Office of the Director of National Intelligence, https://www.dni.gov/index.php/who-we-are

[33]: Tulsi Gabbard, Govinfo.gov, https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/GPO-CDOC-108hdoc226/pdf/GPO-CDOC-108hdoc226-3-5.pdf

[34]: “The trailblazing political and Army career of Tulsi Gabbard”, yahoo!news, https://www.yahoo.com/news/trailblazing-political-army-career-tulsi-191604107.html

[35]: “Tulsi Gabbard’s history with Russia is even more concerning than you think”, Independent, https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/tulsi-gabbard-russian-connection-dni-trump-syria-b2692244.html

[36]: “Tulsi Gabbard’s views on Russia shaped in part by Kremlin propaganda outlet, ex-aides say”, ABC News, https://abcnews.go.com/US/gabbards-views-russia-shaped-part-kremlin-propaganda-outlet/story?id=116430097

[37]: “Analysis: Guide to Russian political talk shows”, BBC Monitoring, https://monitoring.bbc.co.uk/product/c1dpfrkx

[38]: “Russian State TV Panel Call Tulsi Gabbard ‘Our Girlfriend’”, Newsweek, https://www.newsweek.com/tulsi-gabbard-solovyov-russia-ukraine-fox-tucker-carlson-1693637

[39]: “Russian TV host gleefully claims Trump’s Cabinet will ‘dismantle’ America, report says”, MSNBC, https://www.msnbc.com/the-reidout/reidout-blog/russia-trump-cabinet-picks-kash-patel-tulsi-gabbard-rcna182927

[40]: “RIA Novosti launches the new English language newswire”, РИА Новости, https://ria.ru/20050922/41465825.html

[41]: “Gabbard’s sympathetic views toward Russia cause alarm as Trump’s pick to lead intelligence services”, AP, https://apnews.com/article/gabbard-trump-putin-intelligence-russia-syria-a798adaf9cd531a5d0c9329f7597f0f6

[42]: Lindsey Graham, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lindsey_Graham

[43]: U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, Senate.gov, https://www.lgraham.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/biography

[44]: U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, Senate.gov, https://www.lgraham.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/2025/2/graham-statement-on-gabbard-confirmation