ROLL OVER, SHOW ME YOUR BELLY

What Trump Wants In A Running Mate

Piper the terrier explains in terms even humans can understand.

Piper La Grange. Photo by Catherine La Grange.

My name is Piper La Grange. I’m an eleven year old female Border Terrier. I’m here to answer a question many of you are asking right now: what kind of vice presidential running mate does Donald Trump want? Is it someone who checks the traditional boxes: qualified to assume the presidency; provides the ticket with “ideological and demographic balance”?¹ Does he want an historic running mate — say, a Black candidate like Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina?

Trump doesn’t want those kinds of people. He wants people he can treat like dogs. Not the way dog-people do it, but rather the way cruel-people do it. For instance, Trump won’t anoint his running mate. He’ll piss on him, just like Trump pisses on everyone and everything else he thinks he owns.

It’s no surprise that Trump regards running mates as dogs. He referred to former White House aide Omarosa Newman as a dog.² Gloated that senators Mitt Romney² and Ted Cruz³ “choked like a dog” during their presidential campaigns. Crowed that former NBC correspondent David Gregory,⁴ conservative talk radio host Erick Erickson,⁶ and conservative commentator Glenn Beck⁶ were “fired like a dog.” Denounced New York Times columnist Gail Collins for being “a dog and a liar.”⁵ Accused rapper Mac Miller⁶ of being an “ungrateful dog.” Asserted that actress Kristen Stewart⁶ “cheated on [her romantic partner] like a dog.”

It’s only natural, then, that Trump looks upon the contestants for vice president as dogs.

Kari Lake, for instance. She’s a former television news anchor who lost a run for governor of Arizona in 2022, and is a current candidate for the state’s senator.⁷ Lake campaigned for Trump during the run-up to the Iowa Caucuses. Raised money for him. Declared that “I will crawl over broken glass” for him.⁸ She’s an obvious choice to be Trump’s running mate.

Wrong. Lake is a publicity hound. Trump knows that if they share a show ring, she won’t be content to come, shake paws, then get back in her crate. She’ll want to wag her tail, sit up pretty, and speak. Kari doesn’t get it: Trump’s best in show; she’s just his bitch. So no, Trump won’t choose Kari. He doesn’t want a show dog.

Kari Lake in the ring-kissing line for Trump at Mar-a-Lago. Photo by Roberto Negrin on Flickr.

Governor Kristi Noem of South Dakota is a contender. She checks the right boxes.

• Culture warrior. “Children are being exposed to radical political ideologies like critical race theory,” said Noem, “and we’re not going to let that happen here in South Dakota.”⁹
• “We The People” defender. Noem believes everyone has the right to bear arms. Including her toddler granddaughter, who “already has a shotgun and a rifle.”¹⁰
• Trump bootlicker. Noem claims “the only reason that we have this country is because of the good that [Trump] did when he was in the White House, and how he continues to tell the truth every single day.”¹¹

Trouble is, flattery is one thing; licking Trump’s muzzle is another. At a rally, Noem gave him a replica of Mount Rushmore with Trump’s face carved into the mountain alongside Washington’s, Jefferson’s, Theodore Roosevelt’s, and Lincoln’s.¹² Trump wants a running mate who’s obsequious. But a leg-humper is embarrassing.

Governor Noem greeting Trump on the golf course at Mar-a-Lago. Photo by Kate B on Flickr.

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks she’s the natural choice to be Trump’s vice president. MAGA fanatics love her. One reason: their shared contempt for curs who force people to get the Covid vaccine. “They are ruining our country, these vaccine Nazis!” she yowled, and “I’m not getting the vaccine!”¹³ Nonetheless, Trump won’t choose Greene. He doesn’t care if she got the Covid vaccine. But he thinks Marjorie should have gotten the rabies vaccine.

Official portrait, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. By Anujay Parashar on Flickr.

Fortunately for Trump, there’s a pack of yappers who possess the core competencies for a running mate. They sit up and beg whether he throws them a bone or not. And they come when he calls, with their tails a-waggin’, even if Trump has just kicked them in the ribs.

There’s Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders of Arkansas. When Sanders was Trump’s presidential spokeswoman, she splattered the press daily with steaming-hot Trump pucky.

• Sanders claimed that “an overwhelming majority of the sixty-three million Americans who came out [during the 2015 election] supported Trump.”¹⁴ In fact, he lost the election by over three million votes.
• Sanders justified Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey by saying she’d “heard from countless FBI agents who had lost confidence in [him].” She subsequently “acknowledged to [Federal] investigators that her comments were not founded on anything.”¹⁵
• Sanders claimed “4,000 known or suspected terrorists come into our country illegally at our southern border.” Trump’s State Department had previously declared there was no “credible evidence of terrorists crossing the southern border.”¹⁶

You can see why Donald likes her. Sanders is sort of a Pez® Dispenser: she can pop out Trump turds one after the other.

Sarah Sanders responding to a reporter’s question. Photo by Scott 97006 on Flickr.

Senator J. D. Vance of Ohio is another contestant. Vance is squirmier than a twenty-week-old puppy. Before Trump became the president, Vance growled that he was “a cynical asshole” who could become “America’s Hitler.”¹⁷ After Trump became president, Vance rolled over and showed his belly. Case in point: Trump described immigrants as “vermin” who were “poisoning the blood of our country.” Instead of condemning him, Vance whined that Trump wasn’t “talking about immigrants as Adolf Hitler [talked] about Jews.”¹⁸ Trump knows J.D. has his back. Or more precisely, his butt. During a rally with Vance by his side, Trump said “J.D. is kissing my ass, he wants my support so bad.”¹⁹

Senator Vance with his nose up the south end of a northbound Trump. Photo by Raaayzor on Flickr.

The leader of the pack, according to the oddsmakers,²⁰ is Congresswoman Elise Stefanik.²¹ No wonder. The other contestants can litter a lawn with big brown Trump stumps. Stefanik rolls over them with the giddy abandon of a Yorkie diving in a pile of day-old Doberman dookies. She regurgitated Trump’s claims that he’s the victim of the Deep State, then asserted it’s “not just against Trump, we are seeing it against conservatives [and] Catholics.”²² She spewed Trump’s demand that Biden release the jailed “January 6 hostages,”²³ then claimed they’re also being mistreated.²⁴

Trump knows Stefanik isn’t just another pound puppy. She’s a snarling junkyard dog. It doesn’t matter what Trump poops or pukes. Stefanik will lick it, eat it, and gleefully roll in it.

Congresswoman Stefanik rolling in Trump’s latest social media butt burrito. Photo by Tony Alter on Flickr.

That sums up what Trump wants in a running mate.

As a bonus, I’ll clear up something which to some humans is still hazy. What will Trump do if he’s re-elected President? That’s simple. He’ll turn the United States of America into his personal litter box.

Donald J. Trump. Desertcart shopping website, Fair Use screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

[1]: “Who Donald Trump Should — and Shouldn’t — Pick for Vice President,” Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/01/19/donald-trump-vice-president-pick-00136355

[2]: “Trump calls Omarosa a ‘dog’; another tape aired”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-calls-omarosa-dog-n900491

[3]: “All the terrible things Trump and Ted Cruz said about each other before the president decided he was ‘Beautiful Ted’”, Business Insider, https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-cruz-feud-history-worst-attacks-2016-9#trump-i-think-hes-crazy--honestly-i-think-hes-crazy--ted-does-not-have-the-temperament-to-be-doing-this-hes-choking-like-a-dog-because-hes-losing-so-badly-weve-got-to-put-him-away-tomorrow-folks-35

[4]: X, https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/715013260462960642

[5]: “I’ve Overestimated Donald Trump”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/29/opinion/ive-overestimated-donald-trump.html

[6]: “Trump’s favorite insult is to call someone man’s best friend”, The New Republic, https://newrepublic.com/article/126063/trumps-favorite-insult-call-someone-mans-best-friend

[7]: “Kari Lake raises more than $2M in first quarter as Arizona Senate candidate”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/live-updates/2024/01/08/congress/lake-senate-arizona-fundraising-00134285

[8]: “Kari Lake shrugs off blizzard, VP talk”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/live-updates/2024/01/13/iowa-caucus/lake-not-focused-on-vp-00135480

[9]: “How South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem is positioning herself as a ‘leading spokesperson’ on Republican culture wars — and for a potential 2024 run”, Business Insider, https://www.businessinsider.com/kristi-noem-south-dakota-governor-republican-culture-wars-2024-elections-2022-1

[10]: “South Dakota governor says her two-year-old grandchild has several guns”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/apr/15/south-dakota-governor-kristi-noem-grandchild-guns-nra

[11]: “The Governor Who Wants to Be Trump’s Next Apprentice”, The Atlantic, https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/01/kristi-noem-donald-trump-vice-president-elise-stefanik/677069/

[12]: “The Story Behind Gov. Kristi Noem’s Weird Gift to Donald Trump”, The Daily Beast, https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-story-behind-gov-kristi-noems-weird-mount-rushmore-gift-to-donald-trump

[13]: “‘Vaccine Nazis!’ Marjorie Taylor Greene admits she’s ‘not getting the vaccine’ during on-air meltdown”, Raw Story, https://twitter.com/DavidEdwards/status/1455564070527057923?ref_src=twsrc^tfw|twcamp^tweetembed|twterm^1455564070527057923|twgr^|twcon^s1_&ref_url=https://www.rawstory.com/marjorie-taylor-greene-not-vaccinated/

[14]: “Sanders says Trump calling media ‘enemy of the people’ is not blaming the media”, NBC News, https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/sanders-says-trump-calling-media-enemy-people-not-blaming-media-n925821

[15]: “Sarah Sanders told Mueller team she misled the press about Comey’s firing”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/story/2019/04/18/mueller-report-sarah-sanders-comey-1282275

[16]: “Fox’s Chris Wallace challenges Sarah Sanders on claim terrorists enter at southern border”, The Hill, https://thehill.com/homenews/media/424068-fox-newss-chris-wallace-shuts-down-sarah-sanders-on-claims-about-terrorists-at/

[17]: “Ohio Senate candidate J.D. Vance questioned whether Trump is like Hitler in 2016 message”, The Cincinnati Enquirer, https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2022/04/19/ohio-senate-race-j-d-vance-questioned-trumps-likeness-hitler/7372220001/

[18]: “Vance slams ‘poisoning our blood’ comparisons between Trump comments, Nazis”, The Hill, https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/4368234-vance-slams-poisoning-our-blood-comparisons-between-trump-comments-nazis/

[19]: “Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2022/09/19/politics/donald-trump-jd-vance-ohio-rally/index.html

[20]: “US Presidential Election 2024 Republican VP Nominee Betting Odds”, oddschecker, https://www.oddschecker.com/us/politics/us-politics/us-presidential-election-2024/republican-vp-nominee

[21]: “Who will win the 2024 Republican vice presidential nomination?”, PredictIt, https://www.predictit.org/markets/detail/8069/Who-will-win-the-2024-Republican-vice-presidential-nomination

[22]: “Stefanik: I Have Concerns About the Treatment of January 6 Hostages”, Breitbart, https://www.breitbart.com/clips/2024/01/07/stefanik-i-have-concerns-about-the-treatment-of-january-6-hostages/

[23]: “Trump calls on Biden to release those jailed in connection to Jan. 6”, CBS News, https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-clinton-iowa-comments-january-6-rioters/

[24]: “Elise Stefanik Condemned After Jan. 6 ‘Hostages’ Remark”, Newsweek, https://www.newsweek.com/elise-stefanik-condemned-over-hostages-january-6-remark-1858471