Not All Self-Care Was Created Equal
These three self-care strategies depend on what resources you have available
With the amount of books, podcasts, articles, and videos on self-care, we sure all know what it means by now.
Or do we?
In the beginning of this year, I was co-facilitating a CivLead leadership program for students. When we asked what self-care meant to them, the answers surprised me.
Some people replied “journaling” or “meditation.” But a lot more said that watching shows and clips on TikTok were their regular self-care.
My first reaction was “But that’s not self-care at all!” But then, I thought again.
If people were saying watching Netflix is self-care to them — who am I to say it wasn’t? After those conversations, Thomas Pollak (the founder of CivLead) and I started thinking more deeply about what self-care means.
We arrived at this three-way model that looks at self-care broadly. It accounts not just for different self-care activities — but also, different circumstances in which it’s applied.
In this article, I’ll walk you through it. By the end, you’ll have a better sense of what self-care strategy to use in what situations — and why.
Shall we get started?
Self-Care Is For Everyone — And, It Looks Different For Everyone
Self-care isn’t just for you.
When you take care of your mental, physical, and emotional health, it benefits everyone you come in contact with.
Think of a parent who’s not slept the night and had a stressful day at work, trying to comfort a child. Then, think how that same parent’s behavior might be different if they were well-rested and had had a chance to process their feelings with a friend.
When your needs are met, your nervous system is more likely to be regulated. This usually means you have a calmer, more grounded demeanor — and hence, more positive impact on those around you.
It’s important to recognize this when thinking about self-care. A definition I’d like to propose is this:
Self-care includes all self-directed activities that help you meet your emotional, mental, and physical needs — without compromising the needs of others.
Notice that intention is as important as the activity itself. Self-care is always rooted in kindness and compassion. It doesn’t include actions that help you meet your needs at the expense of someone else’s.
Self-care is not a remedy for everything. As a society, we face a lot of systemic problems that can’t be solved by individuals “taking care of themselves.” For example, the rising rates of depression caused by increased competition, inequality, and loneliness shouldn’t just be the individual’s responsibility.
Our social support systems need to tackle the causes — rather than merely asking citizens to deal with the symptoms through self-care.
In our model, we want to acknowledge the circumstantial differences between different people. The time and money you have available play the biggest part in what’s realistic in terms of self-care.
A single, middle-class professional will have different means to take care of themselves than a single mother of two with a part-time job. That’s obvious — and, I’m not even accounting for other social differentials like race, gender, or age. We need to remember that self-care is for everyone and it will look different for everyone.
With that, your best bet is still to take as good care of yourself as you can. At CivLead, we identified three distinct self-care strategies that people resort to in different circumstances.
Knowing them will help you be more deliberate and effective with your self-care.
Three Self-Care Strategies That Serve Different Needs
Self-care should help you meet your physical, mental and emotional needs. We all have different needs at different times — and therefore, the way our self-care looks changes.
But just knowing your needs isn’t enough for effective self-care. Another thing you need to assess is the resources available to you at any given moment.
By “resources,” I mean internal and external assets and qualities you can rely upon to support you. Some examples of internal resources include: knowledge of mindfulness techniques, ability to self-regulate, good mood, an inspiring story you know. Some external resources would be: a cozy home, supportive friends, money, music, your partner.
How the resources you have (or, think you have) will influence your self-care is best illustrated with an example.
When I’m having a particularly anxious day, my need is to experience peace of mind. My resources on that day will dictate the strategy I choose to meet that need.
- If I’m on my own in the house and feel physically tired, I might go to sleep.
- If I bump into a friend on the street and have free time, I might ask if they’d be willing to chat with me over a coffee.
- If I happen to be in a meditation class, strongly supported by the teacher and group, I might use my anxiety to get to deeper insights about myself.
Notice how the same need for peace of mind can be met with different strategies. The choice of strategy is, more often than not, determined by the context and resources available.
Depending on that, there are three main self-care strategies we resort to. I observed them when talking to various people, as well as in my own experience of self-care. They are also similar to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), considered a strong evidence-based framework for helping people with a range of mental health issues. DBT centers on techniques that empower individuals to respond to their emotional needs in distress. Even though it’s a therapeutic approach, the same rationale can support thinking about self-care.
Here’s a graph presenting the three self-care strategies we distinguish at CivLead. Notice that we presented them as overlapping circles to signal that there’s common ground between all of them. What falls under “distraction” one day may feel like “self-soothing” a week later — or, vice versa.
Self-Care Strategy 1: Distraction
This strategy is consistent with the DBT distress tolerance skill. According to PsychCentral, “distress tolerance skills involve doing things that can help you stay away from intense pain so you can deal with it once you’re prepared.” Distraction helps us stay away from pain and discomfort until we’re resourced enough to face it.
Self-Care Strategy 2: Self-soothing
Self-soothing — or, emotional regulation in DBT — is a strategy you might use when you feel more resourced. It means acknowledging the pain (or another expression of unmet needs) and tending to it in a way that alleviates suffering.
Self-soothing is different from distraction in that it involves tuning into your felt-states — rather than driving attention away from them.
Self-Care Strategy 3: Personal growth
The last self-care strategy is growth-oriented. Its primary goal isn’t to “have it easier” in the moment. Rather, it’s about learning or practicing something that will support you in the future — sometimes at the expense of the present-moment comfort.
The personal growth strategy includes a DBT skill called “interpersonal effectiveness.” However, it’s even broader than that, as it incorporates not just how you show up with others — but also, how you show up for yourself.
All these strategies have their time and place. None is inferior or superior to others.
Distraction and self-soothing are primarily focused on the benefits perceived in the present moment. Self-soothing also has long-lasting benefits when practiced regularly and skillfully.
The personal growth strategy looks beyond here and now — and prioritizes long-term goals over present-moment comfort.
Now let’s dive a little deeper into each one of these.
How to Decide Which Strategy To Use
Before I describe each strategy in more detail, it’s time for a disclaimer.
Not all self-care activities will fall neatly into these categories. Any conceptual model can only hold so much human complexity. That’s why, rater than rigid categories, we presented them as overlapping circles.
The reference to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy also doesn’t mean that the self-care strategies are identical with DBT skills. Rather, this is to show a similar frame of thinking about how one can help oneself in a self-directed way.
While not being 100% definite, we believe that these strategies provide a useful way of thinking about self-care. First, they help you understand that your choices often depend on the resources you have. Second, they support making more conscious decisions about what type of self-care you’re engaging in.
With all that said, we always encourage you to do what works for you. When it comes to your self-care, you’re the expert. My hope is that this model will provide additional perspective and inspiration, rather than become a rigid way to categorize self-care.
1. Distraction: A way to give yourself comfort when there’s no time or energy for anything else
The first self-care strategy is a bit like an emergency response. When there’s no time or resources to treat the cause — you can tend to symptoms to experience some comfort.
Why does distraction exist? I think it’s because it’s really hard to be preoccupied with problems and challenges all the time. Unfortunately for our wellbeing, our brains have evolved to keep detecting — and even, coming up with — problems.
Having your nervous system in alert mode for prolonged periods of time isn’t healthy. The trouble is, sometimes we’re too tired, scared, or overwhelmed to grasp this rationally. Anyone who ever experienced anxiety or panic attacks knows this. It’s not enough to know you “should” calm down in order to calm down.
In the moments of overwhelm, distraction can be a form of self-care. I believe this is what the students we interviewed hinted at. Some of them worked more than one job alongside their studies, which — I imagine — made Netflix and TikTok their go-to self-care strategy.
They might not have had the headspace or energy (aka resources) for other activities. That’s why they bet on experiencing some in-the-moment relief.
Distraction can be helpful when dealing with intense surges of emotions. Matthew Tull, PhD, a psychology professor specializing in post-traumatic stress disorder, says that “Distraction appears to be helpful in regulating emotions not only with anxiety-related disorders, such as with PTSD, but with depression and even acute and chronic pain.” A study overview by Ashley Allen and Mark Leary also suggests that distraction can be more effective in situations in which people don’t have agency to change — for example, elderly people dealing with age-related problems.
Psychologists emphasize that distraction is different from avoidance. When you’re distracting yourself, you choose to step away from the situation temporarily, with the intention to return to it in the future. That’s different from avoidance — which usually implies denying the issue altogether.
2. Self-soothing: Comforting yourself to regulate your nervous system and transform feelings
Self-soothing (or, self-regulation in DBT), is the self-care strategy that enables you to consciously tend to the discomfort in your mind, body, and emotions. Hilary I. Lebow from PsychCentral describes self-soothing as “activities that can help you feel safe in your body, regulate your emotions, and cope with unhelpful thoughts or feelings. In essence, self-soothing is learning how to comfort yourself.”
The essential resource to be able to do that is positive regard for yourself. I call it a resource because I know that, for a lot of people, this isn’t an obvious component of their psyche. You need to be in a good enough mental place to hold the intention for yourself to feel better — and, take positive action towards it. The opposite of positive self-regard is self-loathing.
Self-soothing contains a paradox. On the one hand, it requires you to accept your feelings as they are. This is what “tending to your feelings” means — embracing yourself with kindness and compassion just as you are rather than assuming you need to be “fixed.”
Carl Rogers put it well when he said: “The curious paradox of life is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
To change how you feel, however, you usually need to do something, too. In DBT, this is framed as “taking opposite action” to what the emotions are dictating.
Difficult emotions often activate automatic behaviors that aren’t helpful to experience relief. For example: if you’re agitated, the instinct might be to engage in an argument, get busy, or do something else that stimulates you even more. Instead, you can take a different route: remind yourself to breathe deeply, relax your muscles, open up your chest, or go for a walk. This is what “taking opposite action” looks like.
Here, we’re also back to how resourced you’re feeling in the moment. It can be about finding internal resources to self-soothe (e.g. practicing mindfulness). Or maybe, it’s the external resources you’re seeking — e.g. meeting with a friend who can hold space for you as you have a rant.
The particular activities you choose for self-soothing may depend on whether you are an internal or external processor. What’s the difference? Therapist Melissa Shaw wrote that, “internal processors organize their thoughts inside their heads. External processors organize their thoughts and ideas outside of their heads.”
Self-soothing can happen in both ways. The main idea is that you’re the one choosing an activity that will lead to emotional regulation.
3. Personal growth: Seeing self-care as an opportunity for learning and lasting change
The third self-care strategy, personal growth, is oriented towards long-term positive changes in your life. Its biggest benefits extend beyond the present moment. This strategy prioritizes future growth over comfort here and now.
In DBT, the corresponding skill is called “interpersonal effectiveness.” It’s the ability to show up in a way that helps you get your needs met, set boundaries, and treat yourself with self-respect. While DBT focuses mainly on how we show up with other people, at CivLead, we also emphasize the change that happens in how we show up with ourselves.
A good example is having a difficult but important conversation with your partner or friend. Even though what you have to say (or, what you’ll hear) might not be pleasant, you know it will benefit you and your relationship in the long run. This is a way of caring for your future self. This is how personal growth happens.
The more you practice personal growth as self-care, the more your relationship with yourself improves.
This practice may mean that, in the present, you’re willingly putting yourself through discomfort. Starting a difficult conversation, writing a personal manifesto, or volunteering to run a meeting — all these may feel challenging in the moment. However, the more you do them, the more your comfort zone expands. Things that feel scary now can become your second nature over time.
To practice this strategy well, it’s really important to consider your resources. When you voluntarily sign up for discomfort, you need to be well-regulated first. If you challenge yourself without first feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally grounded, you may be engaging in self-punishment or self-sabotage — rather than self-care.
The Intention is What Matters Most
Now, you may be wondering — what are some sample activities for each of the strategies?
In this article, I refrained from giving too many examples on purpose. We’re all so different, have different motivations and life circumstances. Hence, what falls into one strategy for one person can fall into another for someone else.
Heck — even for you this can change from one day to the next. Let’s take meditation as an example.
Let’s say that, on most days, meditation is self-soothing for you. You appreciate it as a chance to pause, breathe deeply, and regulate your nervous system. It allows you to unplug from a busy life and experience self-compassion.
But there will be days when you have no time, feel tired, or don’t want to meditate for another reason. You may still choose to meditate then, but it may be out of a different motivation. You’ll do it because you want to stay consistent and make it easier for your future self to keep the habit.
That’s when meditation can feel more like “personal growth” strategy. You’re doing it to benefit your future self, and not because it feels good in the moment.
The bottom line is: don’t get too hung up on which activity fits into which strategy. It’s not the most important thing to neatly categorize self-care.
What’s important is to stay connected to your intention behind self-care. It’s to develop more awareness around it. That’s how you’ll know when you’re choosing to distract yourself from discomfort, meeting that discomfort to self-soothe, or orienting yourself towards future growth.
From there, your self-care will naturally start falling into place.
If you want to grow as a person while becoming an agent of change, join CivLead! There are a few ways you can get involved:
