WHAT WE’RE READING
What David Brooks’ New Book Can Teach You About Human Connection
Lessons for building strong relationships that support the world
David Brooks is one of the most well-known American writers and commentators of public life. His new book How to Know a Person offers a perspective on human connection that’s tailored to our times.
In the past decades, relationships have become difficult. Exceptional political division is coupled by declining social skills and loneliness, especially in the younger generations. At the same time, we live in a culture that tells us we have to get ahead and compete with each other.
David Brooks shows how none of this helps us thrive. He brings us back to the recognition of the basic human needs:
“People are social animals. People need recognition from others if they are to thrive. People long for someone to look into their eyes with loving acceptance. (…) What matters most is not the strength of individual’s willpower, but how skillful she is in her social interactions.”
Obviously, you can’t learn relationship skills from a book. You need to practice them. Having said that, Brooks’ new book offers insights that will help you practice the skills of human connection and break unhelpful communication patterns.
Here are five pieces of wisdom that stood out to me.
The shape of the world today demands to step up our communication
“In America, Europe, India, and many other places, we’re trying to build mass multicultural democracies, societies that contain people from diverse races and ethnicities, with different ideologies and backgrounds. To survive, pluralistic societies require citizens who can look across difference and show the kind of understanding that is a prerequisite of trust — who can say, at the very least, “I’m beginning to see you.” (…)
Our social skills are currently inadequate to the pluralistic societies we are living in.” (p. 11–12)
The subtitle of Brooks’ book reads “The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.” In the world which is simultaneously interconnected and full of divides, how deep we can see others determines whether we succeed or fail.
Social diversity need to be matched by our communication skills. People have a deep desire to be seen and respected as exactly who they are. Brooks proposes that many of the issues we face today — from political polarization to gun violence to poor education — result from people not feeling seen.
As an example, he quotes a young man who was arrested just as he was about to commence a mass shooting. When later interviewed about his motives, he said: “I wanted attention. If somebody would have come up to me and said, ‘You don’t have to do this, you don’t have to have this strange strength, we accept you,’ I would have broken down and given up.”
There are reasons to believe that a lot of antisocial behaviors stem from the experience of being perpetually unseen and disrespected.
Our present realities depend on past experiences
“A person is a point of view. Every person you meet is a creative artist who takes the events of life and, over time, creates a very personal way of seeing the world. Like any artist, each person takes the experiences of a lifetime and integrates them into a complex representation of the world.”
In one of the first chapters, Brooks poses an interesting question. What is a person? A person is a way of seeing the world. It’s how one’s past experiences come together to create a unique way of seeing and interpreting life.
This is a good starting point to getting to know a person. Instead of putting labels such as “lazy,” “smart,” “hardworking,” or “funny” on others, Brooks encourages a more complex way of seeing.
In cognitive science, this view is called constructionism. It’s the recognition that we all don’t just passively take in what’s going on around us. The human mind constructs its own reality, making sense of what’s going on through the lens of past experiences.
We all see the world differently based on how our lives have been so far. When you want to get to know someone, that’s an important thing to remember. You’re not just trying to learn facts about them. You’re trying to get the way in which they create their reality.
To truly hear the other person, you must account for the power dynamics and privilege
“These days, if you want to know someone well, you have to see the person in front of you as a distinct and never-to-be-repeated individual. But you’ve also got to see that person as a member of their groups. And you’ve also got to see their social location — the way some people are insiders and other people are outsiders, how some sit on the top of society and some are marginalized to the fringes. The trick is to be able to see each person on these three levels all at once.”
In a society as unequal and diverse as the American one, there’s no way to know a person without accounting for their position in the social hierarchy. When someone feels systemically marginalized and unseen, this naturally impacts what they focus on in a conversation.
Brooks gives an example of one hard conversation he had where this showed up. In 2022, he was placed on a panel about “culture wars” where his conversation partner was a Black female academic. Brooks understood “culture wars” as a broad collection of topics — including LGBTQ issues, abortion rights, religion, sex, and race education. But for his discussion partner, “culture wars” was a cue to a conversation about the accurate teaching of Black history at schools.
No wonder she had that frame in her mind. Her experience of the world and place in social hierarchy shaped her understanding of the topic.
Brooks suggests it is the responsibility of the person who holds more privilege to adopt the point of view of the less advantaged one. First reason for this is to show respect. Second is, as he put it: “the person who is lower in any power structure than you are has a greater awareness of the situation than you do.”
You can’t truly grow without other people supporting you
“Introspection isn’t the best way to repair your models; communication is. People trying to grapple with their adult legacies of their childhood wounds need friends who will prod them to see their situation accurately. They need friends who can provide the outside view of them, the one they can’t see from within.”
How we navigate reality happens largely through models developed in childhood. For most people, at least some of these models stem from coping mechanisms that helped them deal with less than perfect parenting they received.
These models can show up as all kinds of defenses — from withdrawing when someone gets too close to you, to learned helplessness, to bending backwards for approval and belonging. The bottom line is, the patterns of behavior that may have been a saving grace as a kid don’t benefit you as an adult.
A big part of personal growth is being able to “reprogram” the models that don’t serve you. Self-improvement industry often tries to encourage you to do it alone. Phrases like “rewire your mind” or “get rid of limiting beliefs” suggest that you should handle these tasks on your own.
In reality, changing your limiting beliefs and patterns without the help of others is extremely hard.
Introspection is a surprisingly ineffective way to develop self-awareness. Your mind is prone to confirmation bias — i.e. finding proof for what it already knows. That’s why other people’s perspective is crucial. A good, honest friend who knows you well can notice things about you that you just can’t see.
That’s one more reason quality relationships are so important for a good life. Without them, we either don’t grow — or, our growth becomes very limited.
Morality isn’t about abstract values. It’s about how you show up daily in your relationships
“Morality is mostly about how you pay attention to others. Moral behavior happens continuously throughout the day, even during the seemingly uneventful and everyday moments.”
Throughout the book, Brooks brings up the question of morality. He takes it out of the context of epic heroes and abstract virtues — and into the reality of day-to-day interactions.
He draws heavily on the work of Iris Murdoch, an Irish-British philosopher and novelist. For Murdoch, the essence of morality was the ability to see others accurately as they are, rather than as our minds imagine them to be. It’s about ceasing to use labels or put people in boxes — and gift them with “just and loving attention” instead.
This perspective on morality is empowering because it relies on everyday choices rather than grand gestures. Each time you forgo self-serving behaviors and prejudice and make space for genuine connection, you’re a decent human being. This is the undercurrent of what David Brooks is trying to say with his book overall:
Make space in your life to see the person in front of you. Don’t try to change them. Just see them clearly, and with kindness.
This is how you grow in your life — as well as bring healing to the world.
If you want to grow while becoming an agent of change in the world, join CivLead! There’s a few ways you can become part of the movement:
