Ten Things I Wish I Could Tell Myself 6 Years Ago
Written by David Hundeyin
23 is a confusing age.
It’s when you’re right on the boundary between “young graduate finding their feet” and “grown-ass adult that needs to sort their life out.” 23 was an incredibly confusing time for me. Between 2013 and 2014, I moved countries (continents actually), went through 3 full time jobs, was dumped out of a doomed relationship, got into another one and amidst all of this, did my NYSC program.
Here’s a list of ten things I wish I could go back in time to tell 23 year-old Dave.
- Chill out bro, 23 is actually quite young
Seriously, chill out. So you’re coming out of undiagnosed clinical depression (yes, that’s what that was), and you got laid off at KPMG, and your girlfriend dumped you to get engaged to another guy within a month. So what? If your life was a day, it’s still just 9AM, so quit stressing. There is nothing wrong with you. You’ll have six whole years to build a new reality for yourself, and everything will be OK in the end.
2. Let her go
You know who I’m talking about. Stop thinking about her. Stop reading your backed-up BBM and WhatsApp conversations going back to 2010. Stop stalking her Facebook and Instagram. Stop agonizing over what went wrong and how you could have done better. Stop daydreaming and fantasizing about the “good” times. She is never going to wake up and decide to come back into your arms and make everything alright again. That chapter is closed. Forever. Delete everything that reminds you of her, even block her if you need to and then step outside. There’s literally an entire world of other human beings out here.
3. Be careful with the whole ‘Moving to Nigeria’ thing
I know England has put you through a lot, and you really just want to go off to be somewhere alone with your thoughts. I know the whole’ Nigerian’ identity thing is cool now and between Wizkid and the Super Eagles winning AFCON (under a Nigerian coach as well), plus 7%annual GDP growth the homeland is looking like the Promised Land right now. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go, but beware of Nigeria’s false dawns. You might get there and discover that the people do not see the same picture you are seeing from Bradford. Don’t assume what you want from life is what they want. They might decide to vote for Abacha’s exhumed, reanimated corpse as president. Or Muhammadu Buhari (yes, that guy), and you know what will happen next. Be careful!
4. Don’t get comfortable
When your folks saw you for the first time in three years, they made all kinds of promises and fussed over you in all kinds of ways. Don’t believe the hype oga. They’re selling you dreams. Just do your NYSC, find a job and start building your career. If you spend even six months at home without doing something productive, they will start dropping hints about your expensive education and your lack of motivation or ambition. That hustle and heart you developed in Bradford? Keep it with you at all times. You’re going to need it!
5. DON’T FALL IN LOVE IN NYSC CAMP!
If I can’t tell you anything else, it should be this. Camp love is a lie. Human beings know how to adapt and present themselves in certain ways where it suits them. That spine-chilling sensation you are feeling while she is sitting on your lap? Better go to the camp clinic and ask to see a doctor — you might have malaria fever! Malaria fever is better and easier to treat than years of protracted heartache and stress. Trust me on this one. When you get to camp, wear your earphones, talk your ‘London-Brap’ talk with your fellow UK grads and make yourself as inaccessible as possible. You won’t regret it.
6. If you have sex with someone, that doesn’t entitle them to anything from you
In reality, people are selfish and manipulative. They use what they have to get what they want. If that means sleeping with you and acting like you took something irreplaceable from them, they will put on that act. If that means lying to you about being in love with you, they’ll do that. If that means trying to make you get them pregnant, they’ll do that too.
Oh, and the whole “You are my first” thing?
7. Always give yourself wriggle room
Don’t start dating someone at 23 with a full idea of your wedding venue and kids’ names already floating around in your head. Allow for a cooling off period and always give yourself some physical and emotional space so you can examine the person in question dispassionately after a while. Don’t make lifetime commitments and promises when you’re still on a sex and passion high. That stuff wears off after a bit, and when it’s gone is the best time to assess your partner. A good relationship is one where two people who are just fine on their own voluntarily decide to be even better together. If she is traveling across the state to cheat with some other guy and you end up begging her to stay when you find out, that is not love — that is codependency. You’re addicted, no pun intended.
8. Have no expectations of anyone but yourself
Humans are complicated creatures. They are capable of the most beautiful tenderness, but also of the most appalling callousness and selfishness. Don’t go depressing yourself by expecting people to act like they have a spine or any sort of moral fortitude. After watching so many zombie apocalypse movies, you should know that the vast majority of humans lose all pretensions to virtue and morality under the slightest stress.
Going through life expecting everybody to be like you is one surefire way to be permanently depressed in life. So that ad agency in Ikeja GRA that mailed you a job offer and then rescinded it because the creative director felt threatened?
Don’t take it to heart. It’s all he has and will ever have.
That helicopter pilot cadet program that you got into, only for the HR lady to give your spot to some chick from her village, who then wasted the spot and flunked out of Titusville?
Take it in stride. That is how humans behave.
Nigerian humans especially.
Expect nothing and you can only receive pleasant surprises. Keep it moving. Your chance will come and you will take it. You’ll be fine.
9. Don’t be a savior, rescuer or white knight!
Don’t play yourself. If you haven’t finished saving yourself, why are you taking on somebody’s responsibility? Paying someone’s family’s annual house rent from your savings? Taking out loans for them in your name, really? Spending your entire paycheck every month on keeping other people happy, what? Really dude, really? How do you think this is going to end when you’re dealing with Nigerians? Let me tell you what to do with your money when you’re 23, carefree, with a decent job and living rent-free in your daddy’s mansion — you take half of it and put it away in a mutual fund somewhere you can forget about it, and you take the other half and spend it on yourself. Go on a cinema marathon. Buy a Lacoste shirt for N70,000 at The Palms because why not? Visit a strip club. Do something for you. Stop wasting time, effort and large sums of money on people who will only disappoint you. You’re never going to have these circumstances again so you better create some memories while it lasts.
And speaking of creating memories…
10. Make the most of your time with your dad
You might not get to see eye-to-eye with him from next year because of his religion, but while you have him, make the most of it. Take him out and pick his brain. Learn some financial and lifetime wisdom and secrets from him. Become his friend in a way that you couldn’t previously because you’re now old enough. Don’t end up weeping bitterly by his graveside 4 years from now, wishing you just had more time. You have him now. Make it count.
