MENTAL HEALTH
4 Ways to Cultivate More Self-Compassion
That will drastically improve your wellbeing
Does it ever happen to you to get angry at yourself, lose your temper and become harsh with yourself? It’s ok, it happens to all of us. Especially during those days when we feel low on energy, stressed, or overwhelmed. But beating ourselves up when we feel low is not much help, is it now?
That’s why a wonderful thing we can do to build ourselves up is to learn how to cultivate more self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is a positive attitude we can have towards ourselves, and it’s also an empirically measurable construct. Associate Professor Dr. Kristin Neff introduced the concept of self-compassion to the positive psychology literature. According to her, self-compassion is comprised of three constructs: Self-kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness.
Let’s break these 3 constructs down:
1. Self-kindness
“Self-compassionate individuals are those who recognize that imperfection and failure are inevitable, and thus tend to be more gentle with themselves when confronted with distressing or unpleasant experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of self-imposed ideals.”
— Neff, 2015
Self-kindness refers to being less criticizing of ourselves and showing ourselves the love and unconditional support we would like to receive from others during challenging times.
According to Barnard & Curry, 2011, we should treat our self-worth as unconditional even when we fall short of our own expectations. Many of us have been conditioned since childhood to see ourselves as worthy only when we succeed at something whilst seeing failures as not being good enough.
Changing our perspective on perceiving failures as lessons is crucial in not linking our self-worth to achievements only. The more resistance we have towards the unexpected, unplanned, and unsuccessful things, the more prone we are to self-judgment, criticism, anxiety, and even depression.
Thus, the more kindness we show to ourselves when the unexpected happens, the more likely we are to increase our self-esteem and self-worth.
2. Common Humanity
“Another part of common humanity is realizing that we’re not alone in being imperfect or feeling hurt; rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves, we appreciate that others feel the same at times.”
— Gilbert & Irons, 2005
According to Maslow, ‘being part of something bigger’ is a pervasive concept in positive psychology literature, and it’s long been argued that the need for connections is part of human nature. It gives us a sense of belonging to a community rather than feeling isolated, misunderstood, and alone.
It makes us realize that we are not alone and that nobody is perfect nor do they have a perfect life, going through their own trials and tribulations.
A great way to do so is firstly by not isolating ourselves out of fear of being imperfect. We must keep in mind that others also feel inadequate at times and that shortcomings are part of the natural human condition. We all have hardships and insecurities we have to navigate through and by being more open and sharing our vulnerabilities we can create more authentic and meaningful bonds with others.
3. Mindfulness
“Mindfulness is seen as the opposite of avoidance or over-identification in self-compassion theory — it entails acknowledging and labeling our own thoughts as opposed to reacting to them.”
— Kabat-Zinn, 2003; Neff, 2010
Just like the quote above states, mindfulness offers us the chance of becoming aware of our thoughts without blowing them out of proportion through rumination. According to PositivePsychology.com, we position ourselves in between over-identification at one extreme, and completely avoiding painful emotions and experiences at the other.
Rumination doesn’t lead anywhere. It is merely wasted energy that leads to anxiety, panic attacks, and in some cases, physical illness. Keeping our feelings in a healthy balance, on the other hand, can definitely help us gain a broader perspective whilst not losing sight of the bigger picture. Adopting an attitude of curiosity and openness, of acceptance and non-judgment towards our emotions can make us learn new things about ourselves.
“If you throw only one component in a blender, great! You’ve got some nice compassion juice. But when you combine all three, that’s when you’ve made one excellent compassionate smoothie. Practice all three and you’ll be a self-compassion Jedi in no time.”
— Vanessa Van Edwards
It basically means that we practice self-forgiveness, learn to accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves more kindness and support. We can start this practice by taking small steps in restructuring our neuronal pathways and going from an autopilot in regards to our habitual responses to hurt to a more mindful approach.
Here are 5 ways to increase self-compassion:
1. Dim the voice of your inner critic
According to the Science of People website, being too critical towards oneself can negatively impact the relationships we form with others.
Self-criticism at age 12 predicted less involvement in high school activities.
At age 31, people who criticized themselves a lot had more personal and social problems, including anxiety disorders.
How to do it
Be kinder to yourself. Whenever you catch yourself being mean and talking down to yourself, take a moment to pause.
Ask yourself, if this were a friend going through this, would you still talk to him/her like this? Or would you try to encourage them more? You have been harsh with yourself your whole life and that hasn’t been great, has it? Try changing the approach. See what happens then.
2. Do something nice for another without any expectations
“And remember, the gift of giving has the power to set people free.”
— Vanessa Van Edwards
According to a study done by researchers at the University of Chicago, in which they gave 5 dollars to participants to spend either on themselves or on another, they found that those who chose to spend the money solely on them felt happy at first, but the feeling declined after a while.
People who spent money on other people felt joy and satisfaction every single time they gave.
How to do it
Of course, I am not saying you should spend all your money on others whilst neglecting yourself. What I am highlighting is that doing something for another, whether is buying them a gift, sharing your meal, or simply showing interest in their health or problems can make you feel rewarded as well.
Being more service-oriented can definitely increase self-compassion.
3. Read a fiction book
“Reading books can make you more compassionate. Something as simple as cozying up with a hot coffee and popping open a magnificent book can lead to positive permanent effects on your brain.”
— Vanessa Van Edwards
In an experiment by Emory University in which they assigned the participants to read Pompei, after scanning their brain activity they found that reading fiction leads to longer-term changes in connectivity in our brain.
They saw heightened activity in areas of the brain that helps process language and movement; when we read fiction, we empathize with how characters feel and move. We are emotionally emersed in another realm.
How to do it
Pick any fiction book you might enjoy and start noticing how you feel after a while.
Or watch an emotionally charged movie. The effects should be quite similar. I bet you have already experienced that.
4. Practice Metta meditation
I can’t stress enough what a great role meditation plays not only in regulating our nervous system but also in cultivating more positive feelings such as love, compassion, tolerance, gratitude, appreciation.
Metta meditation is a type of Buddhist meditation. In Pali — a language that’s closely related to Sanskrit and spoken in northern India — “metta” means positive energy and kindness toward others. Metta meditation is also known as loving-kindness meditation.
These benefits of Metta meditation were observed in a small 2014 study, participants who practiced metta meditation became less critical toward themselves than those who didn’t use this practice.
Another 2013 study found that routine Metta meditation had the ability to increase self-compassion and mindfulness in people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and that it can also significantly reduce anxiety symptoms.
How to do it
Sit in a quiet place in a comfortable position. Pay attention to your breathing. Choose a kind, positive phrase. Silently recite the phrase, directing it toward yourself.
You can say, “May I be happy. May I be safe. May I find peace.” Slowly repeat the phrase. Acknowledge its meaning and how it makes you feel. If you get distracted, avoid judging yourself, just return to the phrase and keep repeating it.
Now, think about your friends and family or a difficult person in your life. You can think about a specific person or a group of people. Recite the phrase extending it towards them, “May you be happy. May you be safe. May you find peace.” Again, recognize the meaning and how you feel. Embody that feeling.
Takeaways
- Self-compassion is the ability to be understanding, warm, forgiving, and easy on yourself during times of struggle or self-doubt.
- Self-compassion is comprised of three constructs: Self-kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness.
- The 5 ways in which we can cultivate more self-compassion in our lives are:
1. Do something nice for others without expectations
2. Dim the voice of our inner critic
3. Read more fiction books
4. Practice Metta Meditation
I would love to know what self-compassion means to you and how do you practice it in your daily life.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate you!
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