How To Become More Charismatic
A Simple Mind Shift Can Boost Your Social Skills
“Charisma is the fragrance of the soul.” Toba Beta
If you are like me and social skills have not come naturally to you, then you’re reading the right article.
What is charisma?
Charisma is a special charm or appeal that causes people to feel attracted and excited by someone (Webster dictionary). In Greek, the word “charisma” means special gift.
But how special is this gift?
We tend to put charismatic people on a pedestal. We attribute them God-like powers.
I used to think getting along with people must be a supernatural thing that only some of us are born with. Being liked by others must be due to some sort of innate ability. An ability only some of us have been fortunate enough to be blessed with.
In actual fact, it’s proven not to be the case. According to a study titled: Can Charisma Be Taught? Tests of Two Interventions, researchers have concluded that about 65% of people who partook in the training called CLTs (charismatic leadership tactics) received above-average ratings as leaders, in contrast with only 35% of those who have not been trained. What this study tells us is that charisma is a skill. And by the Webster dictionary definition, skill is an ability that comes as a result of training or practice.
So, the good news is that you can learn to become more charismatic.
As a teenager, I used to be quite self-absorbed. I wasn’t too considerate towards other people. Like most of my peers. Around 18, when I started shifting my focus outwards, I became more observant of others. I was envying those who were able to easily interact with other people. What was their secret? How were they doing it? I started reading books on self-improvement, watching videos on the same topic, and, of course, studying it at Uni- since I chose a BA in Psychology. Around that time, I came across this sentence that has stuck with me ever since:
What we see in others is also a reflection of ourselves.
Seeing something desirable in others also means that we possess those qualities inside us. Qualities that are still dormant. But that we can awaken through learning and practice.
It finally dawned on me that I was making people feel a certain way as a consequence of my interactions with them. And that my approach wasn’t the best one. A simple shift in my mindset and I realized people were actually fascinating. Once I was able to break the ice with somebody and they opened up to me, I was in awe of their stories.
So, the number one thing to become more charismatic: see everyone as interesting. So many people these days are trying to impress others. It’s like they are caught in a never-ending competition. Instead of doing that, be the one who finds others interesting. Who is curious about others’ stories and intrigued to find out more.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to become friends with everybody. Clearly, you will have more things in common with some than others. But…how many times have you dismissed someone thinking they were dull? That it was a waste of your time to engage with X or Z. Because at first glance it looked like you two were way too different. But at a second or third conversation, you realized you had been too quick to judge them.
My AHA moment wasn’t until a few years ago when I started my psychotherapy training. That’s when I realized I was doing it all wrong. Apart from the mandatory individual therapy for the training, we also had to partake in group therapy.
We were 23 people in a class, apart from the trainers, who didn’t know each other. And we had to share our deepest fears and traumas. Our desires. Our successes and failures. Even though at the beginning I thought I didn’t have much in common with certain people, soon I understood how wrong I had been. Listening to others' stories, made me aware I could pinpoint parts of me in each and every one of them- a belief, a fear, a hope, a dream, an idea.
Everyone had a back story. And that is what made them special. And interesting.
“Everyone has a story. It might or might not be a love story. It could be a story of dreams, friendship, hope, survival or even death. And every story is worth telling.” Savi Sharma
I noticed it in regards to my parents as well. The older they get, the chattier they become. And I absolutely love listening to stories of their early lives. It’s like a whole new dimension opening up to me, ready to be explored.
How do you feel when someone is focusing all their attention on you? When you interact with another and they make you feel like you are the most interesting person on the planet?
To me, it’s an exhilarating feeling. Someone wants to know me. Someone cares. About me and my stories. Someone finds me interesting.
So, why not make others feel interesting? You never know what exciting story someone is about to share with you. If you give them the chance. If you make them feel acknowledged. Like they truly matter to you.
Here are 5 tips I used to become more charismatic- that actually worked.
1. Be a patient listener
“People also have a lot going on beneath the surface — think of an iceberg. Only the very tip is above the water for us to see. Some people might seem boring on the surface, but their story lurks just beneath the water.” Vanessa van Edwards
I used to lack patience. And I thought the person in front of me probably doesn’t like me enough if, after a few minutes of talking to me, they are still lukewarm. When in reality, I was only making things about myself. I wasn’t putting myself in another person’s shoes. Trying to see things from their perspective. Telling somebody my whole life story from the getgo was not something I would have done either. So then, why was I expecting others to do it?
How to apply it
Even if at first glance, you might dismiss someone thinking you have nothing in common, don’t be in such a hurry. Most people need time to warm up to you. You have to gain their trust. Nobody is going to tell you their life story in the first five minutes. After people start becoming comfortable with you, they will gradually start talking about themselves. Gradually. At their own pace.
2. Take the initiative
“Have you ever noticed how the most intriguing individual in the room seems content to listen sooner than speak?” Richelle E. Goodrich
Two years ago, my plane to Cape Town was delayed. I was in the waiting hall at Ankara Airport, whilst transferring flights. Most of the people had someone to talk to, but I was on my own. I had a 5-hour waiting period so I could have just stayed there, on my chair, aimlessly scrolling on my phone. And checking the watch every other minute. But instead, I scanned the lounge and I noticed a girl who was also by herself. The old me would have never dared to make the first step. But I was admin to strip myself from my old identity. I took a deep breath, I went to her and introduced myself. And not only did I meet an incredible person with an interesting story, but my time flew by in a blink and much more pleasantly.
How to apply it
Don’t wait for other people to engage you. Chances are that whilst you are thinking about the impression you want to make, someone is doing it as well. Instead of overthinking, scan the room. Every room has a person who is more animated and another who is quieter. More often the ever, the quiet people have the most to say. Be bold and approach them. Chances are you’ll have a great time meeting someone new.
3. Ask interesting questions
“I love the early process of asking questions about a story and deciding which questions matter most.” Diane Sawyer
I didn’t think I had clever questions to ask. Or I feared being too intrusive. I was overthinking things. And by the time I was ready to ask the ‘right’ question, the moment had passed. The conversation had moved in another direction. I felt regretful. After some practice though, I started gaining more confidence in my ability to ask questions. I wouldn’t worry as much if they were the perfect ones, but more about where they led the conversation. On what the other person wanted to express.
How to apply it
Don’t stick only to boring small talk. It’s important to take the lead in the conversation. Don’t be intrusive. Test the waters and see how much the other is ready to share. Dig deeper by asking follow-up questions and asking for examples. Find that topic that your interlocutor is interested in. If their eyes sparkle with enthusiasm, their body language relaxes, and the conversation flows, you know you’re on the right track.
4. Be genuinely interested in their story
“Be genuinely interested in everyone you meet and everyone you meet will be genuinely interested in you”
Rasheed Ogunlaru
My mind used to drift off whilst other people were talking. I wasn’t really engaged in their stories. And even though I thought I was doing my best to hide it, I wasn’t fooling anyone. My body language would betray me. Once I shifted my perspective and started seeing everyone as someone interesting, my attitude changed. And I could see people were becoming more open and interested in me, as well.
How to apply it
Don’t start yawning or move around in your chair. Or looking around in the room. Remember, body language is around 55% of communication. Instead, use nodding, eye contact, and leaning forward. Express concern. Paraphrase to make sure you understand what they are talking about. Use short verbal affirmations like “I see,” “I know,” “Sure,” or “I understand”. People can feel when you are just being polite. And they can feel when you are genuine and present. If you make them feel interesting, they are going to feel grateful and willing to listen to your story, in return.
5. Don’t overlook people
“Be the reason someone feels welcomed, seen, heard, valued, loved, and supported." Unknown
When I was younger, I was shy. It really hurt me if I didn’t feel included. But at the same time, my shyness was preventing me from taking any action and speaking up. Thus, I was constantly overlooked by teachers or my peers. When I became a teacher, I was aware some of my students were shy. I decided not to be like my previous teachers. So, I used my own method of interacting with everyone. As soon as I engaged the shy students, they would suddenly become chattier and their mood would improve. They were feeling seen and heard. And most importantly, acknowledged.
How to apply it
If you are in a group setting, or in charge of a meeting, make sure everyone is seen and heard. Don’t ignore anyone. Maybe you have to deal with people who are shy. They might give the impression they are uninterested and they don’t want to engage. So, the best thing is not to make assumptions. Of course, if you do your best, but someone refuses to open up, don’t force it. Maybe they don’t want to participate and that’s ok. Don’t take it personally.
Final thoughts
Adopt this shift in perspective. Start seeing people as interesting.
In a world where everyone likes talking about themselves, finding a great listener like you is invaluable.
Ask interesting questions and be present in the conversation. Lend an ear and you will be perceived as a precious gemstone.
Taking the initiative and talking to someone new can be a little scary. But truly rewarding.
Everyone needs to be seen, heard, and appreciated. Nobody wants to feel overlooked.
Make people feel like they matter. Like their stories matter. Because they DO.
From now on, whenever someone opens up and shares their deepest thoughts, simply shift your mindset. They could have opened up to anyone, but they chose YOU. You are charismatic and people love talking to you. And being around you. Simply because you make them feel interesting.
Thank you for reading!
