MENTAL HEALTH
How to Deal With Naysayers
A 7 step guide to help you tackle the naysayers and smooth out the pursuits of your goals.
“The term naysayers is how I refer to the people and social forces who tap into negative thinking and undermine your belief in your own ability to create holistic wealth.”
～ Keisha Blair
According to the Mariam Webster dictionary, “a naysayer is one who denies, refuses, opposes, or is skeptical or cynical about something.”
A naysayer is a person who dismisses your new ideas, new projects, life changes. Someone who doubts you and questions your abilities and willpower until you start doubting yourself.
A naysayer is also known as a dream killer who cuts your wings as you are trying to do get out of your comfort zone and dare do something different by pursuing your dreams.
I have dealt with these kinds of people throughout my life. From family members disapproving of my decision to become a psychologist, to romantic partners who were ridiculing my vision boards, to complete strangers who just felt like they had to hand their unsolicited opinions to me on a silver platter- and not in a constructive way that would have helped me improve or change anything.
As an overly sensitive person, I used to be quite hurt by all the lack of belief in my vision and ideals. I took them all personally and allowed my self-esteem to take a toll. Not knowing how to deal with these kinds of people in a healthy way made me lose precious time and waste mental resources overthinking all their feedback instead of focusing on maintaining my vision.
Looking back, I realize those were lessons that helped me grow and once I started my healing journey, I became more well-equipped and mentally prepared to deal with naysayers.
In my psychotherapy work so far I have come across people who internalized a naysayer’s voice about their abilities or dreams so deeply, it still haunts them to this day infringing on their self-esteem and their decision of taking action towards their goals.
A harsh critique in their childhood by a parent or teacher can be carried throughout our lives as a core belief. Whenever we want to go towards our goals, our inner critique makes an appearance and tries to detour us from our path.
So, before looking outwardly at the naysayers in our lives, a good first step is to become aware of our inner naysayer and see where it stems from and for how long it has been inhabiting our subconscious.
You can then move on to deal with the external naysayers.
Here’s a 5 step guide on how to tackle the naysayers in your life:
1. Protect your dreams and goals
“Don’t ever let someone tell you, you can’t do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you got to protect it.”
～Steven Conrad
According to several studies, telling people your goals actually makes them less likely to happen. The reason for this boils down to something called a ‘social reality’— simply having your goal acknowledged makes it a part of your identity and results in a rush of feel-good/reward hormones.
Unfortunately, this satisfaction then tricks your brain into thinking that the job is already done — and you then feel less motivated to actually go out and really achieve the goal.
Another reason not to tell people your goals is that they can then end up being judgemental about your actions, which may affect your decision-making process.
How to do it
Don’t tell everyone about your goals just yet. Especially when they are still in the ‘gestational phase’.
Let the idea get first firmly contoured in your mind. Nurture it, cherish it and protect it. Be selective and share it only with those people close to you who you know have a habit of cheering you on.
After you start putting that idea into practice, things will start unfolding and even though naysayers will most certainly make an appearance, at least you have a solid ground to stand on.
2. Do some research on the naysayer’s background
“Never surrender your hopes and dreams to the fateful limitations others have placed on their own lives. The vision of your true destiny does not reside within the blinkered outlook of the naysayers. Judge not by their words, but accept advice based on the evidence of actual results.”
～Anthon St. Maarten
Most people have a habit of chiming in and giving their unrequested advice at the most inappropriate times.
But the thing is, most of them also have no idea what they are talking about. It could be their fears rising up, or their frustration of once having a dream they didn’t have the courage to pursue.
How to do it
You have to be discerning when allowing people to offer you their ‘expertise’ or input. If let's say, for instance, you want to open a business as a coach and the other person giving feedback is also a coach then listen twice to what they have to say. You could learn something useful out of it.
But if the person has nothing to do with the field of coaching and simply being spiteful you might surpass their achievements so far, then you might reconsider whether their feedback is worth it.
3. Be discerning of ‘constructive criticism’ vs ‘unconstructive criticism’
“Choose criticism wisely, it might help you improve some elements of what you do.”
～Unarine Ramaru
Even when criticism is constructively intended, if you are a sensitive person or going through a vulnerable time, you might respond with feelings of anger, sadness, or guilt. That can happen especially when the criticism is delivered in a way that tends to arouse defensiveness such as sending it in the form of a “You-message.”
According to Psychology Today, this is because when people receive messages that start with “You,” such as “You didn’t do this,” “You never do that,” it is natural for them to feel attacked and take a defensive or even a retaliative position.
Constructive criticism is a helpful way of giving feedback that provides specific, actionable suggestions.
It is easy to spot because it takes aspects you can improve, provides praise and actionable feedback.
Nonconstructive or ‘harmful criticism’ leaves you confused, hurt and also doesn’t provide any actionable feedback.
You have no idea what you can do, you are simply left with a bitter taste in your mouth.
How to do it
For instance, let’s say you recently took painting as a hobby and you show one of your paintings to two different people.
One of them says:
What’s this? It’s a waste of time starting from scratch. It’s not like you’re going to be the next Picasso. You should be doing something better with your time.
Vs:
You are getting better at this! Perhaps investing in better brushes could improve your technique even more! But overall, great job, keep painting!
The first one represents unconstructive criticism whilst the second one is on the constructive side.
When it comes to pursuing your dreams, always take into consideration the second type of feedback. That’s the one that is actually going to inspire you to become better at whatever it is you have in mind.
4. Channel the anger they stir up in you
“Anger expressed in a healthy and positive way means that we channel emotional anger towards resolution not attack.”
～Byron R. Pulsifer
Whenever you deal with a naysayer, you tend to become angry. It’s human nature. Especially if you are at the beginning of your new journey. The good news is that you can find a way to channel that anger into something else.
You can release all that charged energy and pour it into an external activity.
How to do it
Psychologist Simon Laham says this is why anger is a critical part of overcoming adversity. When you’re upset because nothing is going right and you feel like the world is against you, anger is the fuel that drives you to prove everyone wrong.
For instance, perhaps someone tells you you cannot become a freelancer because that’s just not going to bring you money. As that statement starts stirring all kinds of emotions inside you, you can channel it into doing the research for your freelance idea, setting up your new website.
Please keep in mind, you are not here to prove anyone anything, whether right or wrong. This is just a method of reframing that can help release that build-up energy inside of you into something productive for your growth.
Anger Boosts Creativity. Next time you’re angry, invest your energy in working on a difficult task. Studies show that when you’re angry, you experience heightened energy levels and your thought process becomes more flexible, allowing you to come up with more and more original ideas than you can in your neutral state.
So, you can use this opportunity to start writing or painting, or any other activity of your liking. Transferring all that anger energy into a creative endeavor can feel very liberating and therapeutic.
5. Don’t take it personally
“You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree, the poison goes through you, and you are trapped in the dream of hell. What causes you to be trapped is what we call personal importance. Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me.’”
～Don Miguel Ruiz
We too often give the other person all the power. If the other person is being overtly insulting in their remarks to you, take a moment to think whether this is actually about you or as it happens you are merely an outlet.
Don’t take anything personally. That’s the second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic, “The Four Agreements.”When you truly understand this and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.
How to do it
Going after your dreams can be a major trigger for people who haven’t fulfilled theirs. Let’s say your dream is to move to another country to work but the naysayers tell you you’re not going to adapt to the new culture or city.
You have to pause and ask yourself: is this really about my ability to get accustomed to a new country? Or it could be about them and their fear of having moved abroad?
Or this might be a matter of displacement. They might have had a bad day at work, they could be going through a breakup, or they could be ill. They may be so blind to their feeling and how it is affecting them, their emotion is being channeled into their conversation with you.
If you approach them from a calm and neutral place, they might open up and tell you what is all about. Thus, you take your power back and can look at them through the lens of compassion.
6. Cut the dream killers loose and surround yourself with dream builders
“Let go of the naysayers who only serve to bog you down with negative messages, and find positive people who are excited about your future prospects. Some people were only meant to be a part of one aspect of your journey. If you can’t take them with you into the next phase of your life, then that’s okay; they have served their purpose.”
～Keisha Blair
It is difficult to cut naysayers loose especially if they are family members. What you could do in this situation is to minimize your interactions with them.
And you can reach out to people who believe in you and your dreams.
How to do it
We live now in the Internet era and it is easy to find communities you resonate with. Look at Medium for instance. You can find so many people to cheer you in this community, people with whom you share interests and dreams.
According to Sean D. Young in TechCrunch: “Although social media and online communities might have been developed for people to connect and share information, recent research shows that these technologies are really helpful in changing behaviors.”
If you are surrounded by people (even if only virtually) who share similar passions, goals, life visions it will motivate you to do the same.
7. Build up your self-esteem
“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”
～Anonymous
The higher your self-esteem, the less attention you are going to give to mean and toxic people. Because you will then realize that by giving them power over you, you will actually end up betraying yourself and your vision.
According to the positive psychologist, Courtney E. Ackerman, a good indication of healthy self-esteem is your ability to handle criticism without taking it personally, with the knowledge that you are learning and growing. And furthermore, that your worth is not dependent on the opinions of others.
How to do it
When you hold yourself in high regard- and by that, I mean a healthy realistic perspective of your abilities and beliefs; the opinions of those who don’t share your vision is going to be less impactful on your self-esteem and decision-making.
I wrote an article called 6 Astounding Ways to Raise and Nurture Your Self-Esteem; you can find it here.
Takeaways
➡ Dealing with naysayers in a healthy manner is crucial for your mental health and well-being.
➡ Make sure you first identify the naysayer residing inside of you.
➡ Use the 7 step guide on how to tackle the naysayers in your life:
➊ Protect your dreams and goals.
➋ Do some research on the naysayer’s background.
➌ Be discerning of ‘constructive criticism’ vs ‘unconstructive criticism’.
➍ Channel the anger they stir up in you.
➎ Don’t take it personally.
➏ Cut the dream killers loose and surround yourself with dream builders.
➐ Build up your self-esteem.
➡ Develop a can-do spirit!
“Develop a can-do-spirit and be sure you are not suppressed by the naysayers whose daily actions are meant to discourage you from achieving what you believe.”
～Israelmore Ayivor
Don’t allow people around you to deter you from your goals!
I would love to know how you deal with the naysayers in your life.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate you!
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