There is Nothing Worse Than A Child In Pain
Except when you can do nothing to help
When our daughter told us she and her husband were going to get a divorce and he was moving out, she was composed and dry-eyed. We knew it made her sad, but she maintained at least the façade of calmness.
She had been through this before about ten years earlier and, even with her moving in with us then, we didn’t see histrionics of any kind from her. I think we expected that, with her enormous strength, she’d manage well again. I thought ten years ago that I only had to be there to lend a hand with the boys and that all would be well. I felt the same way this time.
So, it was a surprise when, the weekend that her husband left the house, she called me in hysterics, sobbing and unable to catch her breath. She was driving, I was in bed half-asleep, neither of us in any real state to work this through.
There is almost nothing worse than knowing your child is in pain. Whether physical or emotional, watching and hearing your child cry is nearly as painful to the parent as it is to the child. And it doesn’t matter how old your child is. It may even be harder when she’s an adult. As a child, I could kiss her boo-boo and try to make her all better. As an adult, the “cure” is harder.
COVID-19 hasn’t made anyone’s emotions easier to deal with. Routines are no longer routine. Nothing feels the same as it did pre-coronavirus. And to the bargain, our daughter’s father-in-law, who she was close with, was dying, with only a few weeks to live. Crap upon crap upon crap. It’s no wonder that her emotions were raw.
As a mom, I’m supposed to help her. I felt like I was failing.
Throughout the years, from the time she was in first grade and several times after, I have felt inadequate to the task of making her feel better. In fact, several times I went into therapy because I felt a failure as a mother.
We’ve sent her to therapy but isn’t it my job to stop my child from hurting, to give her the tools to find her own strength, and to be the strength she needs when she’s not up to the job?
My baby should not cry. Once again, I didn’t feel like I was helping.
Recently, I have really been having difficulty finding the right words. I don’t think it’s the early stages of dementia, but the feeling I have as I search for words is total frustration. And, when I can’t get the right word out it leaves me defeated.
I need words. I work, I write, I teach a class, and most importantly, I have a child who needs my support. I grope inside my head for the appropriate thing to say. The words are not on the tip of my tongue, and they aren’t close to the surface of my brain where I can get them out.
And, when my daughter called and needed my assistance, I felt like I couldn’t support her. The night that she called sobbing, I gave the phone to my husband because I was feeling helpless.
I knew she knew that I love her. I knew she knew that I was in anguish over her pain. I knew she knew that I think she is the strongest and best mother I have ever met. But I had such a hard time saying anything else. I had no advice.
All I found myself able to say was “You have such terrific strength and love. You and the boys will get through this and Daddy and I will help you in any way you need.”
And maybe, hopefully, that was enough.
