“Where is your confidence” he asked.
I giggled — feeling shy and timid and even more embarrassed by this question.
“Why are you always so scared?” He adds with his strong Argentinian accent as he bows down towards me to make a more apparent eye contact.
I didn’t respond. All I could say in my low voice was “What do you mean?”
He laughs and says “I’m just kidding”.
Deep down, we both knew he wasn’t.
I would leave his research lab feeling more defeated and full of doubt. I didn’t know where my confidence was, to be honest. I hated feeling that way. I was full of doubt. I was always worried about asking the wrong — or rather dumb questions and making a fool out of myself.
He was my university professor and later my short-term employer. He always admired my hard work and was known for his candid nature. He always tried to help me and would also try to understand why I always looked so unsure all the time.
It was tiring and depressing to be feeling that way all the time.
As I grew older, I started realizing that, to some extent, this may have been rooted in my childhood experiences and behavior of being a people pleaser. I was a kid who always needed to hear “Good job!” “That was great!” “You make us so proud!” Always waiting for validation for my behavior and work. And the moment I don’t receive one I’d be bloated with doubts and worry about the mediocrity of my work.
I wasn’t the smartest kid in my class, but I definitely was one of the hard-working ones. Though, I think my hardwork was overrated as it was accompanied by hours of lack of focus and meaningless scrolling and web browsing. I worked hard but not smart. I struggled with productivity.
I used to spend hours in the library trying to get some studying done. I would go to the library on the weekends, but not always super productive. Some days, I’ve would feel like I only studied 3 pages in 2 hours (for real!). It felt like my self-doubt, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence impacted my productivity and focus. Years later it all started making sense.
Research shows that there is a direct correlation between low self-esteem and productivity. It has also been shown that athletes with low self-esteem also performed poorly than players with high self-worth and confidence. People with high self-esteem are happier and put more effort, are up for more challenges, and do better compared to their counterparts.
While I had good and bad days, I managed to do well in school and graduated with honors in graduate studies. This still didn’t help boost my confidence or my self-worth. I was always under the impression that the person next to me was better than me, and I don’t know it all. I don’t deserve it all just cause I didn’t.
Self-realization
As I entered the workforce, I started meeting many folks from different backgrounds and experiences. Each person brought something unique to the table, and I started realizing that I was too hard on myself.
With the expansion of social media, I started following content creators who helped with self development. I started fixing my way of communicating with people and, more importantly, my way of communicating with myself. I learned that my self talks were becoming my self-fulfilling prophecies — my realities.
I started believing what I say.
This is when I started positive self-affirmations. I couldn’t stick to the plan of doing those daily. As they somehow re-affirmed that I lacked something hence I needed to remind myself of my self-worth. Most days, they worked.
After years of constant conscious realization and recognition of this challenge, I wanted to change things for myself.
No one has it all figured out
I continued consuming content, listening to audible books and closely observing people who seemed to have it all figured out — the leaders and executives around me. I watched how they spoke, the way they articulated their points. I watched them take credit and also give credit for things they knew and didn’t know. I watched them and studied them in my own quiet ways.
Through this exercise, I came to a realization that changed things for me. It may sound silly, but
I started seeing everyone as humans — perfect yet imperfect creatures dealing with their own challenges
and keeping up with life. Despite the stature, job title, education level, race, age, sexual orientation, and color, everyone is a human being first working through the journey of life.
I’m not perfect, but neither are they. I don’t know everything, but neither do they. Yes, some are experts in one area, but they are learners in other aspects. Everyone is living life through their own lens of experiences, strengths and
challenges. The point is, no one has it all figured out! Not even the ones who seemed to have it all under control. I have talked to many leaders, and they take life as it comes in their own ways, but they are not free of life’s twists and turns.
It was quite a realization and acceptance. The goal is not to undermine others to feel great about myself. It was about uncovering the monster that, in my mind, was hovering over my abilities to see myself as someone worthy and capable of doing things.
Changes I Made
I started correcting my way of speaking, and I started being conscious of the thoughts that came to my mind. It was not trivial since I have always had this challenge. Self-worth is acceptance, and I feel great knowing that I have taken the path to a better version of me.
A few pointers that helped me
- Listening to myself — Self-talk is very important. The moment I hear myself bashing my abilities, I’d pause, take a breathe and recognize the emotion and reassure myself — I got this!
- Looking back — I start thinking of my accomplishments. I think of anything new that initially scared me and how I dealt with the fear and the task. What steps did I take and how I felt after I completed it. If I had learned something new in the past, then what stops me from being successful here, too?
- If others can, what is stopping me? This is where the concept of giving yourself some credit and having faith in yourself comes to play. With the right mindset, it is all possible — sounds cliché, but it’s a fact and a game changer.
- Body language — How you project yourself speaks volume. It’s also a great way to trick your mind and let your brain send the signals to your body and (soul) that you actually do have it all under control — even you feel like you dont! It helped me a lot.
- Exercise — This one is super important. Exercise is a way of taking care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, you demonstrate self-love. And you feel great and worthy!
Journey to self-confidence and self-worth is a lifelong process, I have come a long way, but I am not there yet. I am not giving up on me, and I hope you won’t either because life is lived once and we ought to do things that keep us happy on our terms!
Embrace You — with all your perfections and imperfections, as life becomes a blessing when we shift our perspective.
Thank you for reading!
