Interrupting

Serena interrupts. Me, other adults who are speaking… All the time. Well, OK, not all the time. But a lot. It’s gotten worse. I mean, it was bad, and then it got better, and now it’s worse again. A couple weeks ago she had a cold and couldn’t hear well. It took me a few days to realize the cold might be interfering with her hearing (and when I did realize it, I became convinced she had an ear infection, which she apparently does not), so we were just basically expressing frustration with all the interrupting.

It seems to be driving my husband particularly crazy, this time. She interrupts him at dinner, and he says, “Serena!” in his sternest voice. She looks upset but gets more desperate to express what she’s saying, not less. So then it escalates. After a few rounds of this: (“Did you know — ?” “Serena!” “But Daddy, I’m just saying — “ “Serena! You have to stop!” “But Daddy!” “Serena! Stop! Now!”), I sometimes interject, “I think we’re reinforcing. Maybe we should just ignore.” This usually elicits a non-friendly look from my husband, who probably feels I am blaming him for the continuation of the behavior. Which I am not. Because I know I probably do it just as much as he does. It’s just that it’s harder to notice when you’re doing it yourself.

Plus, it’s pretty annoying to just keep talking while someone else is interrupting you. Then you end up with two streams of conversation, and it’s just irritating.

But she knows. She knows to listen before she speaks, and if someone is speaking, to wait. She can do it. Her brain can do it. I’ve seen her do it. So why does she… not?

OK, well, to be honest, it’s not just the stern reprimands that could be reinforcing. Sometimes… Well, sometimes it’s easier just to answer her, you know? Like, for example, if I’m beginning a long story about something that happened in a faculty meeting (though, to be honest, I rarely bore my family with such things). But anyway, I’m launching into what I know is going to be a long story, and she interrupts. “Mommy, can I have some more carrots?” Now, what are my choices here? I could:

a. Ignore her and keep telling my story (best case scenario: she waits patiently for a long time, for her carrots; worst case scenario: she escalates (just keeps asking, louder and louder)).

b. Ask her kindly to stop interrupting (“Serena, please don’t interrupt.”) But possibly reinforcing.

c. Adopt my husband’s “Stop.” approach. (also possibly reinforcing, plus not really my style, generally).

d. Insert a quick “yes” (with a glance in her direction) into my story. Definitely reinforcing.

But I mean, it’s reinforcing to both of us! I just want to go on with my story! And yet…

Ben was nowhere near this persistent. I think he interrupted like once, and we explained, “when someone else is talking, you need to wait,” and that was it. Never interrupted again.

OK, yes, I’m exaggerating. Even he did not always have frontal lobes that could do that. But these little behavioral issues were of much shorter duration. Or so it now seems to me. I often say he gave me a distorted view of what kids were like. Serena, while still on the “well-behaved” part of the spectrum, is a little more typical in some ways, and I stare at her in wonder: You just picked up your pasta with your fingers?! Didn’t I tell you three weeks ago Tuesday that we do don’t that??

I blame evolution. If your first born weren’t relatively easy, you wouldn’t have another. Or… something… (I recognize that some of you are now thinking, “Um… that was not my experience…”

In the meantime, I guess I have to stop reinforcing both of us and not answer her when she interrupts, even if it is by far and away the quickest and easiest and most efficient and most pleasant and most-automatic-when-I’m-tired option. Arggghhhh.