Reminiscing on what romance used to be like + looking for our “The Dark Knight” (Modern Romance Ch1 Review)
This book, Modern Romance, has been sitting on my bookshelf for at least a year (like most of my books, lol). As a 30 year old single guy — let me rephrase that — 30-year-old-who-has-never-been-in-a-relationship guy, I hope it’ll be an intriguing or potentially enlightening read.
Romance in modern times + our changing perspective of time
The first sentence hit the “modernity” of romance point for me, with the phrase: “not hearing back on a text”. That is definitely a modern curve to the messaging aspect: it introduced potential immediacy to the act and now, the potential read-receipts aspect of it.
I remember in high school, it was dropping notes in the locker of the girl I was interested in. So different. First, it’s waiting for them to actually go to their locker. Then, it’s “did she find it?” Then, she has to talk to her friends about it and decide if/what she’s going to write back. Then, most likely, it was wait till the next day & either find something in my own locker or get a note/message passed on by her friend. Haha, so quaint.
There wasn’t as much of an awkwardness to the passage of time, cause waiting was somewhat expected because of the barriers to such an exchange. This was fairly recent, but I actually did have the patience to pen-pal using snail mail with a friend as late as college. This was cross-country, so at the very quickest, the turnaround would be like 4 days? Though, generally, it was more like once every month or two, HAHA. I could not imagine that today. Wow…I think our last correspondence was as late as like 2008/9?
But now, if you wait more than like 12 or 24 hours, sooooo much time has passed that it might actually get harder to respond period. The amount of time that it takes to create that awkwardness has so dramatically shortened in modern times. Plus, you’ve gotten like 5 or 100 notifications in that time period and your attention has been diverted.
So, yes, this book is about the romance we’ve dealt with in the past decade or so at best? I mean, dating apps still had a large stigma attached to them even just like 2 or 3 years ago.
Back in the day, we used to…
Aziz also goes into how the dating → marriage pipeline has changed dramatically since the 60’s and 70’s. We used to get married much earlier and with people who lived much closer. Now, particularly if you live in a city, we get married much later (30 for urbanites, so I’m at the inflection point rn) and meet people from all over.
We’ve also changed from looking for a companion to looking for a soul mate. Plus, now we have so much choice. And with so much choice, it’s easy to say that we should wait for someone better. I remember giving that particular piece of advice just a few weeks ago, “She’s good, but I’m sure that there’s someone better out there.”
So, in modern times, we’re in somewhat of a quandary. Yes, we have the chance to find more fulfillment in our marriages, but that also means that that partner is that much harder to find & that there’s also a much higher capacity for disappointment.
the Movie analogy
It’s kind of like watching a movie that was really hyped up. You go in with high expectations and there’s a decent chance that those expectations aren’t going to be met. But what if you had watched that same movie without hearing the hype. Have you ever caught yourself trying to explain to your friend (who highly recommended and loved the movie), with all these reasons that you’re not quite convinced of, about why it was so good← for me, that was “La La Land”, heh.
The opposite effect for me was “About Time”. Most romantic comedy movies really disappoint me, so I went in with little to no expectations beyond “I’m in the mood for something mind-numbing”. But: *mind-blown*! Now, go watch it with high expectations, which will be met!
It’s a quandary that I’m personally in, as someone who’s never been in a relationship. Cause for me, it’s that hyped up movie. I’m sure that it’s not going to be that good, so I keep trying to tamp down expectations. But that’s also kind of hard in our society because of how much of an aim (and hence exterior/public fulfillment) relationships are for most of us.
That’s why a part of me just wants to get into a relationship, to set up some more realistic expectations. But having waited so long already, I really do want it to be a “The Dark Knight” experience: super high expectations → in reality, even better!
I think this is going to be an interesting introspective into what romance is like in modern times. So Aziz, you’ve convinced me that romance has changed — now what? With the title of the next chapter, seems that he’ll take us on an interesting practical: titled “The Initial Ask”. A moment always so fraught with tension. Thanks for investigating, Aziz. Look forward to more of the insights you’ve gained!
