Dear Santa Claus . . .
We’ve really gotta talk about your carbon footprint
Things were good between us twenty years ago. I was a kid, and I enjoyed leaving out milk and cookies. I even left out some carrots for the reindeer. Now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.
Let’s Talk About That Sleigh
Look, I get it — Christmas Eve must be a slog. I can barely keep my shit together on any flight over an hour and a half. I can’t imagine having to endure 122 million miles of travel around the world solo, with only reindeer farts and the roar of jet engines to keep you company. Rudolph must also be such a diva. I saw his feature film — talk about tacky. Let’s be honest; we both know his red nose is just your aviation light. Nine reindeer flying through the sky? Magical. Bloody reindeer parts raining down on unsuspecting pedestrians because a plane crashed into the sleigh? Decidedly not magical. As it turns out, though, Rudolph’s shiny nose is the least of your problems.
Between making toys, raising and feeding persnickety reindeer, and traveling all over the world, you’re emitting 69.7 million metric tonnes of greenhouse gasses every holiday season. Yikes. I know your thing is spreading joy and cheer, but full disclosure . . . making it harder for the rest of us to live on this tiny blue planet isn’t the way to do it.
Oh, and by the way . . .
Coal Was SO Two Centuries Ago
Where did the tradition of leaving coal in naughty kids’ stockings even come from? I get that you’re a fireplace/hearth and home-based figure and that during the Industrial Revolution, coal would’ve been more readily accessible to the average person. But honestly, Nick, it’s been a while since then. Continuing to rely on an outdated fuel source makes you come across as tone-deaf and shows an acute lack of self-awareness.
I know you think you’re helping, but you’re not. Did you know that according to the WHO, 93% of the world’s children under the age of 15 face health risks from air pollution? (Spoiler: air pollution is caused by burning fossil fuels like coal.) So please, stop enabling bad behavior.
Haven’t you ever heard of the phrase “adapt or die”? I mean, you’re not still traveling around with Père Fouettard or Knecht Ruprecht, right? Change can be scary, but I doubt there’s anything scarier than a young person deciding you’re uncool. I’ve also got the parents on my side on this one. Moms Clean Air Force is a group, over a million strong, of parents dedicated to protecting their kids against air pollution.
Be a Better Businessman
I’ve heard that time works differently in the North Pole, so maybe you’re not up to speed with all the changes that’ve been happening lately. Renewables are super cheap now. More than half of all renewables that came online in 2020 were cheaper than the cheapest new fossil fuel. Not to mention, solar power is the cheapest electricity in history. Times are changing. While I’m sure it’s true you subject yourself to Christmas every year “for the kids,” the North Pole is still a business. Switching to renewables makes the most business sense. I know everyone thinks that your sleigh is pulled by magic, but what is magic other than science and technology that we don’t yet understand? Do better.
All I Want for Christmas
This Christmas, I’m asking for you to make a public announcement that you’re divesting yourself from fossil fuels. It could be a press release or a TikTok video. I don’t care which. If you do this for me, I’ll make sure I leave out the really expensive cookies — maybe Milk Bar or some Bahlsen Butter Leaves, definitely no Mrs. Fields. ;)
If you enjoyed this piece, you might enjoy some of my other work like “How to Save the Glaciers in 7 Easy Steps,” or “The Meal Delivery Service That Will Save the Polar Bears.”
