CLIMATE FUTURE NEWS| SATIRE
Proud Boys Reach Carbon Target Two Years Ahead of Goal
Announce 75 Percent Emissions Reduction Achieved, On Track for Net Zero by 2050
MIAMI — 23 Oct. 2038 –Influential political splinter group The Proud Boys announced today that it had met its aggressive 75% decarbonization milestone two years ahead of plan.
“We love freedom and we love winning,” said Dustin Whittier, The Proud Boys Chief of Sustainability. “No one is going to tell us what to do, but we are happy to — proud to — make voluntary cutbacks. The lame stream media said we would fail, and I bet they’ll fail to report that we not only succeeded but also did so well ahead of schedule.”
The achievement should not, however, surprise people, according to political commentator and professor of politics at Georgetown University, Ellio Caracas. “The alt-right will often take stances that fly in the face of what they see as the ineffective mainstream right wing, and sometimes those stances wrap around to touch the goals of the left. However, the justification for their positions will stay 180 degrees opposed.”
In 2028, The Proud Boys announced their goals of a 75% emissions reduction by 2040 and net zero by 2050 three years after moving the group’s headquarters from the basement of the organization’s then-chairman Enrique Tarrio to a LEED Platinum rated building in Miami.
“After the lobby of our headquarters flooded during a king tide and then again two months later when Hurricane Shania hit,” Whitter said, “it became clear that we could protect our country and our organization by taking decarbonization seriously. We refused to align with the RNC’s platform; it’s not like the oil companies were donating to us.”
Leading by example
The organization’s leadership led by example, knowing that banning polluting practices could lead to a rift in their base. The first moves were small: using 100% post-consumer recycled paper for any leaflets, installing motion sensors in headquarter’s bathrooms and forgoing foreign-made kerosene-burning tiki-torches in favor of solar-powered LED lights with built-in rechargeable batteries.
In response to the American Petroleum Institute President cancelling his appearance at the infamous 2027 “Righter than Right” rally after learning who the organizers were, leaders arrived at the Mall in Washington, D.C. in a fleet of red, white and blue-painted electric pickups. Their batteries powered stage sound and light systems, jumbotrons and induction grills, while members set their own diesel generators on fire to a chant of “fossil fuel cucks can’t silence us.”
Finally, following the ban of key members from several major airlines after fights had broken out on flights, their leadership promoted “Drivin’ Proud” motorcades to all events within 500 miles of members homes.
The Secretary of Climate would not comment on the announcement, however unnamed sources close to her said “she’s happy to be owned by them, along with all other libs who doubted they could rally their base.”
Whittier said the organization’s 2050 goal is within sight. “We are encouraging members to help us go after Scope 3 emissions,” Whittier said. “Today we’re announcing discounts on the Freedom Home Power Pack which lets all members disconnect from the grid in protest or when there are power outages and they can access our negotiated pricing on EV trucks and campers with our Freedom Fleet card. We may be Proud Boys, but most of us are also proud men who want to protect our families.”
