Go Away

By Vaani Rawat, 2nd Year, Mathematics and Computing

she sat there, a girl of eleven

as her father declared to a cheerfully festive room

“wouldn’t her oh so disproportionate body make for a beautiful vintage trolley”

and as she witnessed the room break into an unbridled fit of laughter

she expectantly glanced at her mother

her mother who she loved and idolized with all her heart

hoping she’d stand up

stand up and

say that her daughter’s body wasn’t a mere punchline for gaining social points

say that it was alright for an eleven-year-old to have a tummy and full rosy cheeks

say that her daughter didn’t have to put up with the societal notions of a perfect body

and finally,

say that she certainly didn’t need someone imposing these notions before she was even educated about her own body

but instead, she noticed something else

she saw the creases on her mother’s cheeks part, ever so slightly

following which came a thunderous jocular howl

she ran into her room, as her eyes filled up tears of rage and self-contempt

she wiped her tears, shushed her cries and got herself on the weighing machine

10kgs, she thought

10kgs and all her problems will be solved

so she did whatever it took out of her

she fed her tiffin to the strays,

she gulped all her lunch down in a bite

purging it all out the second she was alone

she threw her dinner out the window

and oh, did you know drinking a glass of water increased 0.3kgs of weight?

she stopped drinking water

everyday,

everyday until

she lost the 10kgs she so badly wanted to lose

her father seemed to love her more, parading her new body around like a personal achievement

she had to be happy now, right? she had all the love and appreciation she always dreamed of having

she just finally had to be happy, right?

so she looked in the mirror, to see her new body that everyone seemed to love her more for

but she didn’t see it

and she couldn’t see it

the mirror reflected back the old, fat ball of self-loathe that she first saw on the very first day

and no matter what she did

no matter how much weight she lost, or how many different mirrors she tried to see herself in

she couldn’t make the ball go away

the ball was there to stay

and it had decidedly refused to ever go away