Social Media is for Idiots
And we’re all drinking the Kool-Aid.
I’m not about to wax poetic about the many injustices surrounding social media. The censorship, the fake news, the fact that Donald Trump still has a Twitter account which he uses to routinely offend everyone he doesn’t like but Rose McGowan’s account was suspended for speaking out against her attacker, Harvey Weinstein. I can talk about it ‘til the cows come home but I’m not deep enough to keep the article interesting to the bitter end, and the only people who read these articles of mine are my three loyal housemates and my Grandma, so I don’t think I’m going to do anyone any favours by boring you all to death with facts and statistics.
Instead, let’s discuss the six types of people you find on social media. Because that’s funnier.
The Sympathy Posters: Now this is your typical ‘one share equals one prayer’ for a dying child who doesn’t really exist and uplifting videos of abandoned dogs being rescued and rehabilitated. Unfortunately the other side of this coin are the torrent of explicit news articles and videos of animals who have been abused (I’m looking at you Granny) which can be a little jarring when you’re just on the prowl for a good old fashioned Facebook fight.
The Attention-Seekers: We all know them.
“You ok Hun?” “PM me babe”
It’s not just the vague statuses and the lack of actual drama (if I’m not included in that PM then what even is the point?), it’s the cryptic song lyrics (a little 2012 but we’ve all done it) and the pouty Instagram selfies with the sad and ‘profound’ captions. They’re not all bad though, these are the same people who have the most deliciously salacious cat fights online. It’s like being in Jeremy Kyle’s audience except you’re in the comfort of your own home whilst you watch people argue over who the father of the sixteen year olds’ baby is in the comments of the sonogram picture. “Anyone doing lifts tonight?” and “doing lifts all night” gets me the most though. Is it some sort of secret agreement young drivers make that when they pass their tests they become taxis for hire? Are people genuinely that bored that they’re prepared to sit at home all night and wait for someone to comment asking for a lift because they can’t be bothered to get a taxi? Who even likes driving that much? Who can afford to spend that much money on petrol? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Mums: Questionably some of the worst people on social media. Sure you can always rely on your mum to comment nice things on your new profile picture but the fact that middle-aged wine mums have turned Minions into mildly sexual jokes about being middle-aged wine mums is a crime punishable only by a swift block. Let’s be real though, if your mum isn’t sat on her phone with a flip leather case, using all 10 fingers to type and sending you quick recipes she finds on Facebook; is she really your mum?
The Mundanes: Painfully common and painfully dull, the Mundanes are the people who feel the need to chronicle all of the most boring aspects of their lives- “having a roast tonight xx”, “at home with bae”. I know the argument can be made for everything we put on social media; no one cares that you went to Nandos for lunch and very few people actually care that you had a day out but if you spin it interestingly enough people will care enough to like it or even comment. But I can absolutely guarantee you that no one cares that you “put the bins out LOL”.
The Britain Firsts: The Farage Fandom. Coming from a small town where most of the population are either foreign or believe that foreigners are taking away our jobs, trust me when I say I have experience with this. During the Brexit referendum my news-feed was littered with wannabe Donald Trumps hanging their “make Britain great again” banners. They’d never call themselves racists, they’re just patriots, obviously. You always have one person in particular who is so casually racist, you’ll have to physically stop yourself from becoming one of those people who argue with blatant trolls online. A nice little block will often do the trick — now if only you could do that in real life.
The Relatives: Your relatives can go one of two ways; they’re either the kind of family who tag you in things constantly but also shower all of your posts, pictures and life events with love and kind words. Or, they’re my family and you get wrecked on a daily basis (see above picture for confirmation).
So there you have it folks. The six types of people you find on social media. In response to my title; is social media for idiots? I think not.
Is it full of idiots? No comment.
With thanks to Leah Hockley.
