This Is Me
This is crazy, bright, obsessive, emotional, messed up me.
I am not one thought, nor one feeling. I am all over the place, loop-de-loop, going around in circles, back and forth me. Going here and going there, doing this and doing that, enjoying everything and anything I can.
But I am also quiet, reserved and fragile. I have family, friends, a boyfriend, co-workers… but I am alone. Not alone in my house, nor alone when at work, but alone in my mind. Those thoughts and feelings — they watch and follow me, whispering and yelling at me, begging and demanding of me.
Are they me?
But every now and then, they are silent, and I can think freely for a while. What time is it? What day? When did I stop paying attention? Trying to understand, I wade through the fog of my memories.
That’s right, at work, talking to meaningless people about meaningless things. Walking to my car in the dark. Driving home at 60, 70, 80 — does it matter anymore?
Where am I now? In my room, reading a book about subjects I don’t care for, times I never saw. Staring blankly at the ceiling. Watching the hours slip away 3, 4, 5 — does it matter anymore?
I find myself jumping from moment to moment, and suddenly dying my hair is how I mark where I am. Bright colours begin to emerge again, laying dormant from my years of servitude to the systems I did not agree with. Brilliant pinks, purples, blues and greens — why not, aren’t I now free?
But so many hours promised to so many things. To work, to uni, to family, to friends, to my boyfriend, to myself? I don’t feel very free.
But this is just a moment, for now I feel stretched and worn down. But what about tomorrow, or three years from now? Will I feel validated in my existence? Will it just have been another moment, another memory? Happy, sad, confused, angry — all fleeting when things don’t quite seem to stay still.
I tell myself enjoy the now! You remember how much you miss the simplistic nature of school? Or the times you had messing around in the park? Or when you went camping in the summer that year? But what about how you wish you had just done better. Well now you can take your own advice — just keep your head down, get it done, and enjoy what you’ve got!
But then the shadows creep in, those oh-so-annoying adult responsibilities, the family problems you wish you didn’t have to think about, the tiredness and illness taking over once more.
A trip to the doctors, then the hospital, then nothing. No answers, no resolution, no help. Back to square one, I’m sure they’ll say. I take the tablets, swallowing a few times thanks to my always dry throat. I’ll take some pain killers, then some more just in case.
A few days go by and I feel no change — not mentally, not physically. Time to start again. I take a deep breath and I wince as I walk. No help with this, nor with that.
My mother looks at me in concern sometimes, and I want to tell her I’m fine, really! But the words don’t leave my mouth, I cannot lie to her.
And so, it goes on and I keep up this pretence of being alright — and sometimes I find, the more I do, the easier it is to pretend it’s true.
But every so often, I’ll sit in my bed, just watching the time. I’ll think to myself, I should have gotten up, been ready and leaving by now — but I cannot move. The comfort of those warm sheets and the solitude of my bedroom hold me in place.
Without hesitation, I take my phone in hand, and in one email I have lied to many people. I put the phone back down and turn away. I don’t want anyone’s pity or well wishes, I have what I want right there in that moment. Confirmation that no one will bother me for at least one day.
But through all the bad, I must remind myself, of the things I love and what good I can do. I may not cure cancer, or free those in chains; but I can put a smile on my niece’s face and can take my mother to our favourite place. I get to kiss my new nephew’s cute face, I can spend time with my friends, and get to see things I thought I never would.
So, with that in mind I will pick up my pen, and I will write what I find. In the hope that in time, I can tell others, they are also not on their own.
